First Steps

Exploring the world through caring thoughts, the freedoms of guilt free emotions, and looking at the world through the eyes of someone elses perspective seeking to enhance and set free your soul by opening your heart and mind


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Clowns Cry Too

Clowns wear a face that”s painted intentionally on them so they 

appear to be happy or sad. what kind of mask are you wearing today?      

—- Anonymous

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Clowns Cry to.  I wonder why that is.  They are under paid and underrated I believe.  Its truly amazing how they can put on a show, forgetting their own lives, to  bring joy and happiness to others that need it. They are laughed at, mocked, and people snort and point at them behind their backs.  They are painted comedians.  What I find most interesting is that in almost all cases the clown or comedian has come from some form of tragedy.  Laughter heals they say.  I would like to meet the person responsible for this “so called” saying and ask him/her personally what makes him/her the expert on that.  So much pressure is put onto the person that is the abused or the victim.  We are expected to go through life pretending that nothing has happened or is wrong.  We are forced to set aside our own feelings, never dealing with them, and suck it up and move on.

“The mind is but a mystical dark circus;

we are nothing but a clown playing along to life’s theater.

Our faces delicately brimming with giggles;

painted in bright colors,

As we hide from the world…..

showing them only what they truly want to see.” 

— G. Parkhurst

There is much pain, sorrow, and sadness in most of us, as we trot along in life.  In most cases people are so oblivious they don”t even see.  In fact, is it that they don”t see…or wanna see?  Could they handle it?  Its a hard luck life,…….. no, a hard luck story.  No clown or comedian asks you to feel sorry for them. Just that you take time to understand them. To respect them and all the hurt that comes along with them.  Most often times, we are not seen or heard.  We dress to impress and put on our happy face, pushing aside those things that haunt us.

” I remain in the dark.

My face misrepresented by this circus of life, tormented by my emotions and memories.

My mind constantly working, never allowing silence or peace.

I fear the silence, it shreds my soul a bit at a time, never leaving me 

to stop entertaining the idea that I MUST continue to hide behind a mask.

For behind this mask of characters, nobody can see what truly pains me.

My heart is lost to the enchantment of each mask, intricately made, just for me, that I must put on and wear.

Im caught up in confusion, cleverly disguised as being a normal person.”

— G. Parkhurst

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I’ve heard people often remark that they are scared of clowns. Some petrified. Why you ask? Could it be that those very same people are in tune with their surroundings? Im not saying pedophile here….Im saying that possibly they see past the paint and all the make-up. Their intuitions prove that they see that there is so much more beneath the surface. What is it that they are hiding? What really is going on in their souls and minds? Could it be they see the pain, trauma, horror, abuse…or even evilness? Kinda scary to me.

The bottom line is that the next time you find yourself judging someone…look at them a little deeper with more understanding and compassion. Dont expect them to pick up…dust right off..move on…forget and forgive. It should be on our time, not yours. Try to get past the clown and see the person. Try to be understanding and get to know them. Listen to their stories and what they are really trying to tell you without speaking.

They are my heroes….and I there sister or brother. We are family. We share a commonality. We have a unwritten or unspoken bond,

I respect them and their jobs, they do it so well, and I like them, and so many others out there, who bring joy to others where there is sadness. Its a heavy burden to carry. However, when I put my mask on..its easier to focus my energy on your pain and sadness…then to face my inner demons and fears, i would rather forget about mine, to help you let go of yours! We touch peoples lives every day and forget about our own…casting it to the wayside. SO much so…..that we get lost in ourselves…some struggling to get out…others content in still wearing the masks…it no longer is just a mask…but has become and always will be part of who and what they truly are…….lost forever…what we wanna be…and wanna do…or ever wanna feel.

What mask are you wearing today?

I wish for you today a sense of inner peace and healing. Truly that you know that you are not alone and that no matter what mask you choose…..I love you for who you are, not which one you choose to wear. Dont fear the mask…embrace it and let it surround you and keep you. In it, you feel a sense of safety. Its ok. I wont and dont judge you. When you are ready, I and others like me will be here for you to help you, guide you, encourage you, and we will ALWAYS love and support you! Safe journeys today for your inner spirit…let your mind wander freely today, reflecting on which masks can be thrown out and which ones you still need.

Until next time my fellow clowns…..live to laugh another day, shed a tear , and always keep smiling!  ❤

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Empty Heart & Broken Bottles

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emp·ty
ˈem(p)tē/
adjective
  1. containing nothing; not filled or occupied.
    “he took his empty coffee cup back to the counter”

    vacant
    unoccupieduninhabited, untenanted,baredesolatedesertedabandonedMore
“his answer sounded a little empty”
(of words or a gesture) lacking meaning or sincerity.
remove all the contents of (a container).
“we empty the cash register each night at closing time”

unload
unpackvoid;

The modern disease theory of alcoholism states that problem drinking is sometimes caused by a disease of the brain, characterized by altered brain structure and function. The American Medical Association (AMA) had declared that alcoholism was an illness in 1956. In 1991, The AMA further endorsed the dual classification of alcoholism by the International Classification of Diseases under both psychiatric and medical sections.

Alcoholism is a chronic problem. However, if managed properly, damage to the brain can be stopped and to some extent reversed.  In addition to problem drinking, the disease is characterized by symptoms including an impaired control over alcohol, compulsive thoughts about alcohol, and distorted thinking. Alcoholism can also lead indirectly, through excess consumption, to physical dependence on alcohol, and diseases such as cirrhosis of the liver.

The risk of developing alcoholism depends on many factors, such as environment. Those with a family history of alcoholism are more likely to develop it themselves; however, many individuals have developed alcoholism without a family history of the disease.[citation needed] Since the consumption of alcohol is necessary to develop alcoholism, the availability of and attitudes towards alcohol in an individual’s environment affect their likelihood of developing the disease. Current evidence indicates that in both men and women, alcoholism is 50–60% genetically determined, leaving 40-50% for environmental influences. – Wikipedia

Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.

“In 1976, the writer Ivan Illich warned in the book, Limits to Medicine, that ‘the medical establishment has become a major threat to health’. At the time, he was dismissed as a maverick, but a quarter of a century later, even the medical establishment is prepared to admit that he may well be right. (Anthony Browne, April 14, 2002, the Observer)”

History and science have shown us that the existence of the disease of alcoholism is pure speculation. Just saying alcoholism is a disease, doesn’t make it true. Nevertheless, medical professionals and American culture enthusiastically embraced the disease concept and quickly applied it to every possible behavior from alcohol abuse to compulsive lecturing and nail biting. The disease concept was a panacea for many failing medical institutions and pharmaceutical companies, adding billions of dollars to the industry and leading to a prompt evolution of pop-psychology. Research has shown that alcoholism is a choice, not a disease, and stripping alcohol abusers of their choice, by applying the disease concept, is a threat to the health of the individual.

The disease concept oozes into every crevice of our society perpetuating harmful misinformation that hurts the very people it was intended to help. Remarkably, the assumptions of a few were accepted as fact by the medical profession, devoid of any scientific study or supporting evidence. And soon after, the disease concept was accepted by the general public. With this said, visiting the history of the disease concept gives us all a better understanding of how and why all of this happened. – Bladwin Research Institute

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The great danger for family life, in the midst of any society whose idols are pleasure, comfort and independence, lies in the fact that people close their hearts and become selfish.

(one brief account)

The phone rang. it wouldn’t stop! I could hear her voice again.No doubt she was totally inebriated and drunk off her ass! I was nervously biting my fingernails. I didn’t wanna pick up. Why was she calling me again? What did I do this time? What could or would I be blamed for? How come almost every damn time she drank I was the punching bag and tons of shit went wrong? Was I really to blame? I could somehow always see it coming…her wrath…the force that came with it..so cruel in nature. Unlike any beatings I ever sustained. The physical scars and marks always seemed to fade…but not these ones. They cut deeper then any knife. The pain was at times unbearable…and I lived in fear of it. I hated that person. I hated the drunkard mother I had. I was ashamed and embarrassed of her. I was upset that I couldn’t even have a glass of wine in my own home for fear of her behavior and reactions. Besides, most times she came to visit she was already plastered and treated me like shit! The thing was that misery loves company…she always had a negative way of impacting and ruining everyone elses time if “she” wasnt happy. It was like a switch got turned on and off….one minute one person..then BAM!!! Watch out..walk on egg shells and watch your back….total and complete bullshit! But, it was my mother. Somehow there was this imaginary sign for her and all the bad people in my life that said “Im the punching bag so beat me up and push me down!” Some days unknowingly it was all my fault. The reasons were and still are unclear. However, alcoholics have their own agendas and your simply in their fucking way! Your just collateral damage…so dont try and stop them from what it is they desire. Not you or anyone can change that, as much as  you might want to. By now, you might have figured that she was an angry drunk. Yes. I want to point out that it doesnt matter …happy or mad….an alcoholic is an alcoholic!! If you tried to reach her before 10 am and got lucky…you talked to her. If you gambled and took the chance to speak to her after 10 well…chances were that she would forget the conversation the next day….accuse you of lying…a fight would almost always ensue, and you would experience some form of abuse and or pain to along with it. After 10 she was lost, drowning herself and her lifes problems at the end of a Vodka bottle. Given the opportunity and many awareness conversations…she decided that it was easier to admit to being an alcoholic then to avoid it and thought that solved the problem but continued drinking. It shattered relationships and our family. I firmly believe that if she had not been drinking that I possibly would of been helped of saved on many occasions. I would have gladly dealt with her alone and her abusive rages then to have piled on top the other messes! She was a strong woman in most cases. In many situations, the person thats doing the harm is strong indeed but weak when it comes to taking care of them selves. Some how they have fallen so deeply into the sess pool of self destruction and loathing that they go blindly around acting if nobody sees them or knows what the hell they are doing. As if they acknowledge it, it makes it ok. Or if they ignore it altogether that your dumb enough to think that they are perfectly fine. What a crock of crap!!! I had a grandfather, aunts, and my childrens father all that drank. To them there is nothing left. Whatever pians and sorrows they have are much more important and stand out and apart from your needs. It will always be that way, until they decide to fix it.  Its a choice that to be made by them. Not on their behalf. You or I cant fix it no matter the cost.Its a war thats to be waged by them against whatever demons they have. They must heal on their own. Your best bet is to leave it to them. Its not your fight. Being supportive is one thing, but do not jump in and try to take over and rule, criticize, or judge. Its a choice…they made it. The consequences and sequences are theirs and theirs alone,. Alcohol is nasty. Its evil and selfish to the core. It robs you of a life and that persons health…destroys everything in its path and really doesnt care. It has no feeling and no remorse. Again, you are an innocent bystander! Dont feel sorry for those that make these choices. Dont be intimidated by the public that this is an epidemic and you should remain the victim here. Thats not so. Everyone has a choice.

Informative decisions are made everyday by countless people. Murphy’s Law states:  “For every action there is a complete and opposite reaction.”  If you make the wrong choice you pay the consequences. Thats how we learn. A baby for example will only touch a burner once before never doing it again. If it does…it gets burned. The burn is the consequence for the action and decision that it made.  Why must a victim remain the victim from the abuse thats endured from an alcoholic. Its not the person you know. Its a monster inside….no ultimatums can be made…no negotiating. It never works. The choices are up to you on who you allow to hurt you. again, Murphy’s Law. If you choose to allow to be treated as a punching bag…then you will eventually get hit. Dont allow your thinking or those around you to inform you that your job is to stand by and allow that to happen. Save yourself. Leave the tools for that person and heal yourself! Find the resources out there to help educate and learn that you are not alone. Your heart has been battered to many times…by now its a void of emptiness….your numb yourself….dont fall into the slump where you think you have to stay and live life this way. Dont walk on broken bottles …..
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http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/understanding-alcohol-abuse-symptoms

http://www.ask.com/question/what-are-physical-symptoms-of-alcohol-abuse?ad=semD&an=google_s&am=broad&ap=google.com&o=102523

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/alcoholism/basics/symptoms/con-20020866

http://www.activebeat.com/your-health/10-signs-of-alcohol-abuse-when-drinking-becomes-a-problem/

http://www.ncadd.org/index.php/learn-about-alcohol/alcohol-abuse-self-test

Here are some resources to help educate you and the awareness of it.

Added note: As I sit here and reread this aloud to my husband…I get choked up, as if I am reliving this account…the pain is still so very real and feels still new….my mother has passed it will be 2 years this coming Oct. I still have hard days…and will have many more like them. I made my choice…..and it has made me a stronger wiser person. I loved my mother….but in her own words…she never loved me.  Its important for you to know that.

Know that in all things life is possible…and your NOT alone! We are all in this fight together…and if I can be of any help to anyone please dont hesitate to ask. I will be a voice and advocate for those that struggle with abuse on any level….I have been through it all!

May you find inner peace today and harmony. Take a moment and get in tune with your surroundings. Breath in and listen to your inner voice and let it be your guide. May your heart always have strength and courage, may it be filled with hope and joy…and my the light never go out! Much love . ❤