Reflections arent always what you see…..sometimes, when your looking you see what you ONLY choose to see. Everything has a form of beauty in it…..look past outward appearances, and find what draws you in. You may be surprised at what you find.
Jewels on a necklace
cut differently, you and I
all attached one way or another on a strand,
in life just touching one another briefly,
as we stroll through our lives journeys individually.
Thought for the day…….
Where does brilliance come from?
The body, or mind?
Heart or soul?
In which direction does it flow?
Lastly, just how bright do you shine to others?
It has been some months now that I have unplugged, and for good reason. It has been a bumpy ride, and I have found myself doing more soul searching. These last few months have left me in more emotional anguish, jobless, and in pain then I care to share. However, it has taught me one thing, that being that we are ALL invaluable. Some of us have never tasted the feelings of self worthlessness, some have. In any case, I have to say that no matter who you are, what background you came from, there IS purpose. What that purpose is, Im not entirely sure. Thats what your own journey decides in life. That will be another day. To be honest, I wasnt sure just how many people I have touched, and often wondered, should I stop blogging or sharing all together?? With that said, I will continue to share my thoughts on life, abuse, and emotional baggage as I have done in the past. I will also gladly continue posting my pictures everytime I blog just to keep you all in high spirits. If you choose not to read my posts Im ok with that…..however, you may find yourself one day thinking back on something that I’ve shared that may have touched you in one way or another…..at least, thats what Im aiming for! Im not looking to become famous, or rich….just to be honest, and share in life journeys what may help someone, somewhere along the line in how to be more loving, positive, and cope more productively instead of just being numb and self destructing or simply on auto pilot going through life feeling no purpose. Im here, always have been…your not alone…never will be. You are loved….and you will always have a friend in me.
I wish for you during this time of seasonal change, the harvesting of a new spirit. Inner sanctum and peace, a place in your soul that you may tap into to get comfortable within your skin, and reclaim you and your life. Health and prosperity, love, and a kindred heart. Live life everyday with no regrets and love entirely, never give up, and dont hold back. Explore your mind, spirit, and soul with all you have….learn to put yourself first.
Until next blogcast…..Be well my lovelies….be well!
The Tulips dance in the morning light
after they have slumbered all through the night
to help put to rest those winter blues
and bring happy thoughts for me and you
Embracing their short spectacular life
living for just one thing
to bring forth, a Wondrous Spring!!!
Photography taken by G. Parkhurst
Photos taken Skagit Valley, Wa.
No one can hear you scream
high up on a mountain top
Left alone for the wind to swiftly
carry your worries and thoughts off
It takes your breathe away with
the sounds of birds and the breeze
blowing freely swaying through the trees
The sun kissing your skin
melting into it as it comes so alive with warmth
giving generosity and showering me with its natural powers and charm
Staring straight into the heart and soul
of its timeless beauty
and surrounded by its drawing forces through my minds eye
It sweeps me away, cleansing my inner fears taking with it my inhibitions
making me feel things I have buried so deep
I become enveloped, entranced by its wondrous nature
grounded by its strength
All time is forgotten and lost becoming non- existent
I become one and am reminded just how
peaceful and splendid life can be
for up on a mountain top……
Nobody can hear or see me!
— G. Parkhurst
Photo — G. Parkhurst
Taken Leavenworth March 2014
Galleries of rocks on this dried out old dirt filled road
tires turning as we slow to a crawl
stopping to breathe in the beauty
that surrounds us and envelopes our senses
mountains fade into the shadowed hills
as daylight turns to dusk
shades of lush greens meet the skyline
kissing skies of blue
grand heights of rolling hills and deep valleys watching over them
with loving care
roads are like dirt maps that litter the country’s hillside
forming mazes of past last adventures taken
lakes are seen as tiny dots brimming with hues
of blues reflecting the skies as the
sun glistens sotly dancing together bidding us adieu
rivers flow so mystically in hidden spaces
like lost priceless treasures
running freely and with spirit in untouched places
take the path high or low
for in our adventures
doesnt matter where you go…….just go!
— Written on Miners Ridge Summer 2013
Photo- G. Parkhurst
Mt. Rainer @ dusk
If the wings of a bird are clipped it cant fly;
It will never be free to just be, its insides just rot and die.
Never to explore the world and all its glories;
to enjoy the skies, and share its stories.
It may always stay connected to the grounds below;
often trailing its own shadows simply to say “hello”.
Great adventures lie in the vast great beyond;
but this small creature doesn’t feel strong, like it belongs.
It cowers,and it whimpers, chirping its fears;
a language often spoken in different words which no one hears.
It carries with it burdens others simply can not imagine;
harboring its thoughts and emotions, locked secretly away in a far off forest in a rustic old forgotten cabin.
Its wings will heal in splendid grandeur;
it takes much love, time, and lots of candor.
For it must travel to far off places without fear or reservation;
the only thing that matters to this tiny creature is utmost self-preservation!
– G. Parkhurst
” Never let your world become to small.” – Shane Skusek
If the wings of a bird are clipped, it cant fly. This we know. It will never be free to explore the world and to enjoy the skies, or have most the freedoms that other creatures like it do. It will be grounded……connected to the Earth, never knowing what adventures lie out there in the vast great beyond.
What if you could somehow mend that broken wing? What if you took it in, nourished it, harbored it, and gave it purpose again? What if you helped it to become strong, resilient, to grow and encouraged it to overcome all obstacles in the foreseeable future? Is it possible? You bet!
Do you think that once freed that this tiny creature would return unscathed? If it returned at all? What if the wings of the bird weren’t clipped but broken all together? Or, what if that very same bird….never had wings at all…it never knew any different? Would it be unsure on how to fly? Would it even try? Would you give it confidence and teach or train it to overcome its fears?
The bird seems weak, frightened….and unsure. Without you and your knowledge on how to be prepared….it could quite possibly die. DO you show it compassion and speak its language? Showing it mercy and love. You have taken it in, accepted it for being different…and it you. You posses the willingness to try and help another living being. Its difficult no doubt in the beginning, but over time, it becomes second nature to both you and this living thing. What if I were to tell you that for some…..with abusive backgrounds….or trauma, we are that Sparrow? We are that living thing…that creature that’s so afraid. Some may have had their wings broken and some never knew that they could even fly. What if that being…..is you?
The world in its entirety is ever changing. And we with it. A good friend …..my best friend said to me once….”Never let your world become to small Gwen.” He is a smart man. He never sustained any trauma or abuse that I know of. Yet, he is so compassionate about the things that he couldn’t possibly understand. His willingness to learn about my past and to understand it when I talk is impeccable. He never judges me or criticizes. Just listens and asks frequent questions.
Is he right?
I think that this reaches far more then abuse. We teach our children for example that they should be proud of who and what they are. Yet, we ourselves look and want to be more. Is this ok? Im not sure. I know this much. Early on in life, we adapt. We all adapt to change and over time accept it. We give in to it. Im not saying change is always good nor bad. Just that we do it. For example, if you were to take a picture of yourself as child, the again as teenager, college, wedding day, middle age…ect..ect. you would see that you have changed and adapted. Some people I think do it out of feeling forced and others go along with it….some never at all…yet stuck in time. The world is full of possibilities and constantly ever growing. In it…we are with it. We must keep an open mind. Never falling into the close minded thoughts or segregation of Victims, Abuse, and Violence. Rather, carrying with us the desires to explore life, ourselves and to constantly change and grow with it. If you never try how will you know. Its ok to fail as I have stated before in previous blogs. If you never give yourself of someone you know that chance to be something great……you are breaking their wings and keeping them grounded.
First things first. Be content with you. Without being a victim, you couldn’t make it into Survival. Accept you for who you are. Its amazing and great that you want more out of life…we all do. What Im saying is that you need to make EVERY day count. Im not a religious person….but there is a prayer that rings true for many people from ALL walks of life.
Today’s personal lesson comes from the heart……bare in mind those out there that may be Sparrows….they may be grounded and lost. To afraid to fly for fear of falling. Encourage them to live life, heal, grow, move on….and to fly free from those things that cause them to live in pain.
If you are fortunate enough to never have been in this position….then live life as you were intended…carefree…..and to the fullest. Make each moment count…like its your last! Dont become grounded and fearful….instead be fearless…and remain adventurous and courageous! Let these traits seep out of you and leech into others lives. NEVER LET YOUR WORLD BECOME TO SMALL!!!
Now go fly free my little Sparrow friends…..free to grow, change, live happily, and flourish into the creature you were intended on being!
I wish for you, pure happiness and joy. I wish that you find yourself, and grow inside to spread your wings and fly…..taking on new heights in life and becoming the adventurous kindred spirit….wild and free that your past has prevented you from becoming! I wish for you health, wealth…and personal gain…that you may be successful in your journey and wherever life may take you! You and you alone can embrace the necessary tools to use to your advantage and sing the song that your inner Sparrow sings!
Until next time…..be free…fly well, my little Sparrow! ❤
“PTSD is a whole-body tragedy, an integral human event of enormous proportions with massive repercussions.”
― Susan Pease Banitt
Most people go through life with broken wings. They often dont share for fear of resentment or rejection. They dont show the hurt they feel or burdens they carry with them. Most times, you wont even know it exists. I was taught, not only by my mother but as a survivor, that to show your feelings was a sign of weakness and defeat. weakness was for wimps..and I could not show it. Even to this day, its hard for me to open up, although Im learning more and more daily. I learned early on in my life of abuse, that when I did show it, or want to share, nobody cared, and to those that were the abusers…it made them more angry, and they had no problem pointing it out. You often times feel as though you have no voice, or nobody hears you. You feel alone and isolated. Ashamed and fearful. You are anxious and afraid. Your emotions may even be on a roller coaster, and you dont even understand why. Its possible that you deal with depression and withdrawal…possibly to cope, and are addicted to drugs and or alcohol, maybe even something else, like food, shopping, or gambling, ect. ect. so as not to feel, or think about what your feeling.. You wear a invisible mask so others cant see the real you…your worried if they do you will be outcast. Nobody understands you. Your lost and unreachable. Your heart hurts and you dont know where to turn. Sights, smells, sounds, or a person, place , or thing, may trigger flashes, emotions, and panic attacks. Some days…you hurt. The pain feels so real, but nothing is physically wrong with you. You experience night terrors, and may have had thoughts of suicide or have already tried…maybe you cut yourself to release the emotional pain your feeling as a way to release those inner feelings. You were and maybe still are a victim of abuse. Its quite possible that you are now a survivor but still experience these feelings daily or quite often. Your unsure of why you still have these thoughts or emotions, because some days you feel fine. Others are so hard to get through. Maybe you are snappy towards others and edgy. Its alright. It doesnt mean your weak and you have lost. It means its possible you are experiencing CPTSD or PTSD. Its common in victims and survivors that have sustained traumatic events beyond their control. Your not alone.
“The symptomatology of PTSD.
In PTSD a traumatic event is not remembered and relegated to one’s past in the same way as other life events. Trauma continues to intrude with visual, auditory, and/or other somatic reality on the lives of its victims. Again and again they relieve the life-threatening experiences they suffered, reacting in mind and body as though such events were still occurring. PTSD is a complex psychobiological condition.”
― Babette Rothschild, The Body Remembers: The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment the Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment
(A couple brief accounts)
On a gorgeous sunny day I was in the bathroom grooming myself. I had the door double locked to ensure my privacy and safety. My mother and “him” were outside working in the yard. It was the weekend, and I had to get ready to go to my best friends house! I was so excited! I turned on the shower, got undressed, and opened the small window that let out the steam, and let in the fresh crisp air. Turned on the fan and let the steam fill my nostrils, and the hot water run down and cover my body in warmth. I let it wash over me…and I let go of my inhibitions and fears, letting it drown out the world and rinse it all down the drain. I soaked my head under the faucet and closed my eyes and melted into the goodness that surrounded me. In our house…we were allowed 5 minute showers! No more. if we did they would pound on the door and turn on the cold water to freeze you out, then you got grounded. I took advantage of the fact that the boys were gone and my mother and “him” were outside. They couldnt keep time, so, I took an extra few minutes and enjoyed myself, humming along making my own tune. I washed my hair..letting the suds work themselves in and the lather drifted down my curves into the small of my back. …… I got a uneasy feeling. It settled deep in my belly and I became sick to my stomach. I looked up and to my surprise “he” was standing on a chair or log outside the window watching me. He made noises and grunted…saying inappropriate things to me. I immediately opened my eyes with soap in them to see him standing there hovering in the window. It was very narrow…about 9ft off the ground and you needed to stand on something to see in it. I slammed it shut and rinsed my hair and got out. To this day…I hate having soap in my eyes…brings me back to that helpless time and I have a fear of not seeing. I still have nightmares and night terrors. I hate taking showers unless my hubby is home. Then I get paranoid someones here and gonna hurt me. All because of him.
Another time for example was…..early on in my abuse with “him”. “he” would tell my mother “he” was gonna take me with him to go run errands. i never wanted to go, and begged not to. My mother said she needed free time. He took the truck and forced me to sit next to him. While driving he would force me to touch him and grope him. Some times he would stop at places and force me to give him oral sex. When I drive by those places even now as an adult I have flashbacks and get sick to my stomach. To this day due to the trauma being that I sustained I barely can be intimate with my husband. It has caused irreversible barriers. Im glad I have such an understanding loving husband. Due to that…it has caused intimacy issues behind closed doors. For that I am sorry. I hate that BASTARD!!! “he” took that and stole that from me….and from my husband!!!
These are just 2 brief accounts. I wont go into any horrible details as Im sure you get the picture. There were many more like that…and Im still processing them on a daily basis…It will continue for the rest of my life.
What I wanted to say was that, most people associate PTSD with mainly Military. While PTSD is often times associated with it, I wanted to share that there is a second one most people are not aware of as well. Im not saying one is worse then the other or disclosing that neither is as important as the other. Just that the two are different, and in this case putting yourself in one category is not necessary. You may think that you dont have it for fear of being like a Military person or persons, dont label yourself just yet. Thats not so. Even if you think you do have it, my suggestion is that you go to your Dr and get a referral for help from the appropriate Dr. A PCP is not a qualified professional to deal with such cases and in no way be giving you or prescribing you medicine. Its not in their scope or practice. If they are a good Dr they will admittedly refer you to some one that is accredited to help you in the way that you need! Please remember this!!!! Pharmaceutical Companies and Health Insurance Companies are pushing PCP’s to prescribe antidepressants and other pills with out sending you to the right DR’s. Be wary. A good Psychologist or Psychotherapist will see you a few times to feel you out and adjust to your specific needs at that time. Do some research on your own. If you or anyone you know may fall under this category please do not hesitate to ask questions and get pointed in the right direction. Often times PCP’s arent treating the patient with the right medicines and it may not even be the problem. Again, ask for a referral. A good PCP will do a work up on you to see if there are any other underlying problems and give you a referral to see the right mental health professional! I am in no way telling you to self diagnose, or claiming to be a Dr. I am however, giving you advice if you think that you fall under this criteria. Im a survivor and was a victim. I can only speak and give advice from this first hand perspective, and my accounts or life!
“Whenever you need a listening ear, we’ll be there. Don’t let PTSD get a hold on you. Seek help.”
I included for you some informative information to help you distinguish between the 2. You might take a moment and read it. Its interesting and you will find it to be very helpful.
Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) also known as multiple interrelated post traumatic stress disorder is a psychological injury that results from protracted exposure to prolonged social and/or interpersonal trauma in the context of either captivity or entrapment (a situation lacking a viable escape route for the victim), which results in the lack or loss of control, helplessness, and deformations of identity and sense of self. C-PTSD is distinct from, but similar to, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), somatization disorder, dissociative identity disorder, and borderline personality disorder.
However, C-PTSD was not accepted by the American Psychiatric Association as a mental disorder. It was not included in DSM-IV or in DSM-5, published in 2013.
Though mainstream journals have published papers on C-PTSD, the category is not formally recognized in diagnostic systems such as Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) or International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems (ICD). It may be included in the upcoming ICD 11 However, the former includes “disorder of extreme stress, not otherwise specified” and the latter has this similar code “personality change due to classifications found elsewhere” (31.1), both of whose parameters accommodate C-PTSD.
C-PTSD involves complex and reciprocal interactions between multiple biopsychosocial systems. It was first described in 1992 by Judith Herman in her book Trauma & Recovery and an accompanying article. Forms of trauma associated with C-PTSD involve a history of prolonged subjection to totalitarian control including sexual abuse (especially child sexual abuse), physical abuse, emotional abuse, domestic violence or torture—all repeated traumas in which there is an actual or perceived inability for the victim to escape
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) was included in the DSM-III (1980), mainly due to the relatively large numbers of American combat veterans of the Vietnam War who were seeking treatment for the lingering effects of combat stress. In the 1980s, various researchers and clinicians suggested that PTSD might also accurately describe the sequelae of such traumas as child sexual abuse and domestic abuse. However, it was soon suggested that PTSD failed to account for the cluster of symptoms that were often observed in cases of prolonged abuse, particularly that which was perpetrated against children by caregivers during multiple childhood and adolescent developmental stages. Such patients were often extremely difficult to treat with established methods.
PTSD descriptions fail to capture some of the core characteristics of C-PTSD. These elements include captivity, psychological fragmentation, the loss of a sense of safety, trust, and self-worth, as well as the tendency to be revictimized. Most importantly, there is a loss of a coherent sense of self: it is this loss, and the ensuing symptom profile, that most pointedly differentiates C-PTSD from PTSD.
C-PTSD is also characterized by attachment disorder, particularly the pervasive insecure, or disorganized-type attachment. DSM-IV (1994) dissociative disorders and PTSD do not include insecure attachment in their criteria. As a consequence of this aspect of C-PTSD, when some adults with C-PTSD become parents and confront their own children’s attachment needs, they may have particular difficulty in responding sensitively especially to their infants’ and young children’s routine distress—such as during routine separations, despite these parents’ best intentions and efforts. Although the great majority of survivors do not abuse others, this difficulty in parenting may have adverse repercussions for their children’s social and emotional development if parents with this condition and their children do not receive appropriate treatment.
Thus, a differentiation between the diagnostic category of C-PTSD and that of PTSD has been suggested. C-PTSD better describes the pervasive negative impact of chronic repetitive trauma than does PTSD alone.
“In my mind….C-PTSD is like a mental, emotional, and physical prison. I may be in prison, but at least in there I can find my way around and Im safe. Here on the outside…..I feel lost, alone, scared,and invisible with no voice.”
I know its a scary road out there. Its a scary enough life to just be “normal” with no trauma or illness. To have it, is a very isolating feeling and adds more undo much unneeded stress in your life! Most of us ignore it for as long as we can. However, knowing that there are places, people, and resources out there, you no longer have to live in fear or feel rejected. Your NOT alone. I AM like you…I AM one of you! There are countless others as well! C-PTSD isnt a death sentence, neither is PTSD. Dont let it run you and your life. Its tough, I WILL say that. EVERYDAY brings new challenges. Find someone or somewhere that you can open up, and talk. Learn to be yourself. Find that strength inside you and just try. There WILL be unbearable times when you feel like you dont have it in you. You do. Butterflies go through an amazing transformation. I think those of us that have had such horrible nasty lives are like them. Those of us that have experienced such horrific tragedies deserve to grow into something so beautiful and prosper. We deserve that much. I think after those things we experience we are stuck in this cocoon….we marinate in it. Living in it for comfort. Possibly afraid to come out for fear of whats in store for us, or the unknown. However, when we get the strength, the courage, and someone to help us through, we blossom into this beautiful creature, our wings form, and we begin to open up and fly free. Free of all the things that bind us and keep us into ourselves, shut off from the world. The world never gets to see us, to see us fly or be ourselves…to be free to fly, to show them what we are made of and how strong we are! We are adventurous, and brave. We are survivors! We are Butterflies! BOLD, BEAUTIFUL, and BRAVE! If I could reach through the computer and hold you and squeeze you and say “its ok, Im here” I would. Letters on a screen will have to suffice for now. There are many reasons that a person suffers from these debilitating issues. The list can go on and on. Every one is different. No 2 people can suffer from the same trauma and feel or cope the same. Neither should be judged on how or when they cope either. This is REAL…its life altering and a game changer. It affects millions of people EVERY year.
Trauma survivors who have PTSD may have trouble with their close family relationships or friendships. Their symptoms can cause problems with trust, closeness, communication, and problem solving, which may affect the way the survivor acts with others. In turn, the way a loved one responds to him or her affects the trauma survivor. A circular pattern may develop that could harm relationships. Read more from the National Center for PTSD.
Get educated. Learn more. Help those around you if they come to you. Listen closely. They just may be coming to you. Take it as a compliment, if someone is suffering and thinks of you and trusting you, that says a lot. Be there for them! Dont turn them away and make them feel even more alone. Bad things happen everyday to those that feel like they have no voice. Dont let them feel isolated like nobody loves them and make it worse on them. Show them respect and that you care. You may be surprised on who is experiencing it and who has suffered great trauma most have many stories to tell like me. Open your heart and mind. Show love. Show you care
I wish for you this day, Peace, Balance and inner Harmony. That your mind, body, and spirit be cleansed and free from debris. That your soul can heal in the spiritual garden and grow to move up and on, by letting go of those things that are holding you back that plague you so much. I wish for you that life treats you well, and that you find comfort in those around you that support you in good health, mentally, spiritually, and physically.
Peace & Love ❤ until next time my friends…thank you for reading and your continue support, with out you this wouldnt be possible. You are, and always will be my rock! ❤
Now go out there my pet….and spread your wings………..and fly!!!!!!!!
meaningless, hollow, idle, vain, futile, worthless,useless, nugatory, insubstantial, ineffective,ineffectual More
unload, unpack, void;
The modern disease theory of alcoholism states that problem drinking is sometimes caused by a disease of the brain, characterized by altered brain structure and function. The American Medical Association (AMA) had declared that alcoholism was an illness in 1956. In 1991, The AMA further endorsed the dual classification of alcoholism by the International Classification of Diseases under both psychiatric and medical sections.
Alcoholism is a chronic problem. However, if managed properly, damage to the brain can be stopped and to some extent reversed. In addition to problem drinking, the disease is characterized by symptoms including an impaired control over alcohol, compulsive thoughts about alcohol, and distorted thinking. Alcoholism can also lead indirectly, through excess consumption, to physical dependence on alcohol, and diseases such as cirrhosis of the liver.
The risk of developing alcoholism depends on many factors, such as environment. Those with a family history of alcoholism are more likely to develop it themselves; however, many individuals have developed alcoholism without a family history of the disease. Since the consumption of alcohol is necessary to develop alcoholism, the availability of and attitudes towards alcohol in an individual’s environment affect their likelihood of developing the disease. Current evidence indicates that in both men and women, alcoholism is 50–60% genetically determined, leaving 40-50% for environmental influences. – Wikipedia
“In 1976, the writer Ivan Illich warned in the book, Limits to Medicine, that ‘the medical establishment has become a major threat to health’. At the time, he was dismissed as a maverick, but a quarter of a century later, even the medical establishment is prepared to admit that he may well be right. (Anthony Browne, April 14, 2002, the Observer)”
History and science have shown us that the existence of the disease of alcoholism is pure speculation. Just saying alcoholism is a disease, doesn’t make it true. Nevertheless, medical professionals and American culture enthusiastically embraced the disease concept and quickly applied it to every possible behavior from alcohol abuse to compulsive lecturing and nail biting. The disease concept was a panacea for many failing medical institutions and pharmaceutical companies, adding billions of dollars to the industry and leading to a prompt evolution of pop-psychology. Research has shown that alcoholism is a choice, not a disease, and stripping alcohol abusers of their choice, by applying the disease concept, is a threat to the health of the individual.
The disease concept oozes into every crevice of our society perpetuating harmful misinformation that hurts the very people it was intended to help. Remarkably, the assumptions of a few were accepted as fact by the medical profession, devoid of any scientific study or supporting evidence. And soon after, the disease concept was accepted by the general public. With this said, visiting the history of the disease concept gives us all a better understanding of how and why all of this happened. – Bladwin Research Institute
(one brief account)
The phone rang. it wouldn’t stop! I could hear her voice again.No doubt she was totally inebriated and drunk off her ass! I was nervously biting my fingernails. I didn’t wanna pick up. Why was she calling me again? What did I do this time? What could or would I be blamed for? How come almost every damn time she drank I was the punching bag and tons of shit went wrong? Was I really to blame? I could somehow always see it coming…her wrath…the force that came with it..so cruel in nature. Unlike any beatings I ever sustained. The physical scars and marks always seemed to fade…but not these ones. They cut deeper then any knife. The pain was at times unbearable…and I lived in fear of it. I hated that person. I hated the drunkard mother I had. I was ashamed and embarrassed of her. I was upset that I couldn’t even have a glass of wine in my own home for fear of her behavior and reactions. Besides, most times she came to visit she was already plastered and treated me like shit! The thing was that misery loves company…she always had a negative way of impacting and ruining everyone elses time if “she” wasnt happy. It was like a switch got turned on and off….one minute one person..then BAM!!! Watch out..walk on egg shells and watch your back….total and complete bullshit! But, it was my mother. Somehow there was this imaginary sign for her and all the bad people in my life that said “Im the punching bag so beat me up and push me down!” Some days unknowingly it was all my fault. The reasons were and still are unclear. However, alcoholics have their own agendas and your simply in their fucking way! Your just collateral damage…so dont try and stop them from what it is they desire. Not you or anyone can change that, as much as you might want to. By now, you might have figured that she was an angry drunk. Yes. I want to point out that it doesnt matter …happy or mad….an alcoholic is an alcoholic!! If you tried to reach her before 10 am and got lucky…you talked to her. If you gambled and took the chance to speak to her after 10 well…chances were that she would forget the conversation the next day….accuse you of lying…a fight would almost always ensue, and you would experience some form of abuse and or pain to along with it. After 10 she was lost, drowning herself and her lifes problems at the end of a Vodka bottle. Given the opportunity and many awareness conversations…she decided that it was easier to admit to being an alcoholic then to avoid it and thought that solved the problem but continued drinking. It shattered relationships and our family. I firmly believe that if she had not been drinking that I possibly would of been helped of saved on many occasions. I would have gladly dealt with her alone and her abusive rages then to have piled on top the other messes! She was a strong woman in most cases. In many situations, the person thats doing the harm is strong indeed but weak when it comes to taking care of them selves. Some how they have fallen so deeply into the sess pool of self destruction and loathing that they go blindly around acting if nobody sees them or knows what the hell they are doing. As if they acknowledge it, it makes it ok. Or if they ignore it altogether that your dumb enough to think that they are perfectly fine. What a crock of crap!!! I had a grandfather, aunts, and my childrens father all that drank. To them there is nothing left. Whatever pians and sorrows they have are much more important and stand out and apart from your needs. It will always be that way, until they decide to fix it. Its a choice that to be made by them. Not on their behalf. You or I cant fix it no matter the cost.Its a war thats to be waged by them against whatever demons they have. They must heal on their own. Your best bet is to leave it to them. Its not your fight. Being supportive is one thing, but do not jump in and try to take over and rule, criticize, or judge. Its a choice…they made it. The consequences and sequences are theirs and theirs alone,. Alcohol is nasty. Its evil and selfish to the core. It robs you of a life and that persons health…destroys everything in its path and really doesnt care. It has no feeling and no remorse. Again, you are an innocent bystander! Dont feel sorry for those that make these choices. Dont be intimidated by the public that this is an epidemic and you should remain the victim here. Thats not so. Everyone has a choice.
Informative decisions are made everyday by countless people. Murphy’s Law states: “For every action there is a complete and opposite reaction.” If you make the wrong choice you pay the consequences. Thats how we learn. A baby for example will only touch a burner once before never doing it again. If it does…it gets burned. The burn is the consequence for the action and decision that it made. Why must a victim remain the victim from the abuse thats endured from an alcoholic. Its not the person you know. Its a monster inside….no ultimatums can be made…no negotiating. It never works. The choices are up to you on who you allow to hurt you. again, Murphy’s Law. If you choose to allow to be treated as a punching bag…then you will eventually get hit. Dont allow your thinking or those around you to inform you that your job is to stand by and allow that to happen. Save yourself. Leave the tools for that person and heal yourself! Find the resources out there to help educate and learn that you are not alone. Your heart has been battered to many times…by now its a void of emptiness….your numb yourself….dont fall into the slump where you think you have to stay and live life this way. Dont walk on broken bottles …..
Here are some resources to help educate you and the awareness of it.
Added note: As I sit here and reread this aloud to my husband…I get choked up, as if I am reliving this account…the pain is still so very real and feels still new….my mother has passed it will be 2 years this coming Oct. I still have hard days…and will have many more like them. I made my choice…..and it has made me a stronger wiser person. I loved my mother….but in her own words…she never loved me. Its important for you to know that.
Know that in all things life is possible…and your NOT alone! We are all in this fight together…and if I can be of any help to anyone please dont hesitate to ask. I will be a voice and advocate for those that struggle with abuse on any level….I have been through it all!
May you find inner peace today and harmony. Take a moment and get in tune with your surroundings. Breath in and listen to your inner voice and let it be your guide. May your heart always have strength and courage, may it be filled with hope and joy…and my the light never go out! Much love . ❤
Have you ever stopped to take in your surroundings? I mean REALLY take them in? Listen to the birds out today…..they are bustling about ….. congregating on feeders and chirping away. Arent they so lovely? I rather enjoy taking some quiet time and bird watching. This little guy is a Chickadee…..him and his friends like to visit often and make a nest always nearby. We feed the birds so its nice to listen to them and their songs. Just take a moment….thats all it takes, to take in those special moments that so many take for granted!
thoughts from my mind to yours
Chronicling a delusional gardening experience.
girl, living in the far north, trying to think less and live more.
brainexports and other forms of expressionism
Dedicated to people who stand out of the crowd !!
Natalie. Writer. Photographer. Etc.
New site shawnthewriter.com GO SUBSCRIBE
Im here to expose true talent