First Steps

Exploring the world through caring thoughts, the freedoms of guilt free emotions, and looking at the world through the eyes of someone elses perspective seeking to enhance and set free your soul by opening your heart and mind


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Mt Adams

 

 

 

 

grandkids, Mt Adams trip 131

 

Reflections arent always what you see…..sometimes, when your looking you see what you ONLY choose to see. Everything has a form of beauty in it…..look past outward appearances, and find what draws you in. You may be surprised at what you find.

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Jewels on a necklace

Jewels on a necklace
cut differently, you and I
all attached one way or another on a strand,
in life just touching one another briefly,
as we stroll through our lives journeys individually.
– G.Parkhurst

Thought for the day…….
Where does brilliance come from?
The body, or mind?
Heart or soul?
In which direction does it flow?
Lastly, just how bright do you shine to others?

 

It has been some months now that I have unplugged, and for good reason. It has been a bumpy ride, and I have found myself doing more soul searching. These last few months have left me in more emotional anguish, jobless, and in pain then I care to share. However, it has taught me one thing, that being that we are ALL invaluable. Some of us have never tasted the feelings of self worthlessness, some have. In any case, I have to say that no matter who you are, what background you came from, there IS purpose. What that purpose is, Im not entirely sure. Thats what your own journey decides in life. That will be another day. To be honest, I wasnt sure just how many people I have touched, and often wondered, should I stop blogging or sharing all together?? With that said, I will continue to share my thoughts on life, abuse, and emotional baggage as I have done in the past. I will also gladly continue posting my pictures everytime I blog just to  keep you all in high spirits. If you choose not to read my posts Im ok with that…..however, you may find yourself one day thinking back on something that I’ve shared that may have touched you in one way or another…..at least, thats what Im aiming for! Im not looking to become famous, or rich….just to be honest, and share in life journeys what may help someone, somewhere along the line in how to be more loving, positive, and cope more productively instead of just being numb and self destructing or simply on auto pilot going through life feeling no purpose. Im here, always have been…your not alone…never will be. You are loved….and you will always have a friend in me.

I wish for you during this time of seasonal change, the harvesting of a new spirit. Inner sanctum and peace, a place in your soul that you may tap into to get comfortable within your skin, and reclaim you and your life. Health and prosperity, love, and a kindred heart. Live life everyday with no regrets and love entirely, never give up, and dont hold back. Explore your mind, spirit, and soul with all you have….learn to put yourself first.

Until next blogcast…..Be well my lovelies….be well!


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Clowns Cry Too

Clowns wear a face that”s painted intentionally on them so they 

appear to be happy or sad. what kind of mask are you wearing today?      

—- Anonymous

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Clowns Cry to.  I wonder why that is.  They are under paid and underrated I believe.  Its truly amazing how they can put on a show, forgetting their own lives, to  bring joy and happiness to others that need it. They are laughed at, mocked, and people snort and point at them behind their backs.  They are painted comedians.  What I find most interesting is that in almost all cases the clown or comedian has come from some form of tragedy.  Laughter heals they say.  I would like to meet the person responsible for this “so called” saying and ask him/her personally what makes him/her the expert on that.  So much pressure is put onto the person that is the abused or the victim.  We are expected to go through life pretending that nothing has happened or is wrong.  We are forced to set aside our own feelings, never dealing with them, and suck it up and move on.

“The mind is but a mystical dark circus;

we are nothing but a clown playing along to life’s theater.

Our faces delicately brimming with giggles;

painted in bright colors,

As we hide from the world…..

showing them only what they truly want to see.” 

— G. Parkhurst

There is much pain, sorrow, and sadness in most of us, as we trot along in life.  In most cases people are so oblivious they don”t even see.  In fact, is it that they don”t see…or wanna see?  Could they handle it?  Its a hard luck life,…….. no, a hard luck story.  No clown or comedian asks you to feel sorry for them. Just that you take time to understand them. To respect them and all the hurt that comes along with them.  Most often times, we are not seen or heard.  We dress to impress and put on our happy face, pushing aside those things that haunt us.

” I remain in the dark.

My face misrepresented by this circus of life, tormented by my emotions and memories.

My mind constantly working, never allowing silence or peace.

I fear the silence, it shreds my soul a bit at a time, never leaving me 

to stop entertaining the idea that I MUST continue to hide behind a mask.

For behind this mask of characters, nobody can see what truly pains me.

My heart is lost to the enchantment of each mask, intricately made, just for me, that I must put on and wear.

Im caught up in confusion, cleverly disguised as being a normal person.”

— G. Parkhurst

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I’ve heard people often remark that they are scared of clowns. Some petrified. Why you ask? Could it be that those very same people are in tune with their surroundings? Im not saying pedophile here….Im saying that possibly they see past the paint and all the make-up. Their intuitions prove that they see that there is so much more beneath the surface. What is it that they are hiding? What really is going on in their souls and minds? Could it be they see the pain, trauma, horror, abuse…or even evilness? Kinda scary to me.

The bottom line is that the next time you find yourself judging someone…look at them a little deeper with more understanding and compassion. Dont expect them to pick up…dust right off..move on…forget and forgive. It should be on our time, not yours. Try to get past the clown and see the person. Try to be understanding and get to know them. Listen to their stories and what they are really trying to tell you without speaking.

They are my heroes….and I there sister or brother. We are family. We share a commonality. We have a unwritten or unspoken bond,

I respect them and their jobs, they do it so well, and I like them, and so many others out there, who bring joy to others where there is sadness. Its a heavy burden to carry. However, when I put my mask on..its easier to focus my energy on your pain and sadness…then to face my inner demons and fears, i would rather forget about mine, to help you let go of yours! We touch peoples lives every day and forget about our own…casting it to the wayside. SO much so…..that we get lost in ourselves…some struggling to get out…others content in still wearing the masks…it no longer is just a mask…but has become and always will be part of who and what they truly are…….lost forever…what we wanna be…and wanna do…or ever wanna feel.

What mask are you wearing today?

I wish for you today a sense of inner peace and healing. Truly that you know that you are not alone and that no matter what mask you choose…..I love you for who you are, not which one you choose to wear. Dont fear the mask…embrace it and let it surround you and keep you. In it, you feel a sense of safety. Its ok. I wont and dont judge you. When you are ready, I and others like me will be here for you to help you, guide you, encourage you, and we will ALWAYS love and support you! Safe journeys today for your inner spirit…let your mind wander freely today, reflecting on which masks can be thrown out and which ones you still need.

Until next time my fellow clowns…..live to laugh another day, shed a tear , and always keep smiling!  ❤


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Silence On A Moutaintop

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No one can hear you scream

high up on a mountain top

Left alone for the wind to swiftly

carry your worries and thoughts off

It takes your breathe away with

the sounds of birds and the breeze

blowing freely swaying through the trees

The sun kissing your skin

melting into it as it comes so alive with warmth

giving generosity and showering me with its natural powers and charm

Staring straight into the heart and soul

of its timeless beauty

and surrounded by its drawing forces through my minds eye

It sweeps me away, cleansing my inner fears taking with it my inhibitions

making me feel things I have buried so deep

I become enveloped, entranced by its wondrous nature

grounded by its strength

All time is forgotten and lost becoming non- existent

I become one and am reminded just how

peaceful and splendid life can be

for up on a mountain top……

Nobody can hear or see me!

— G. Parkhurst

Photo — G. Parkhurst

Taken Leavenworth   March 2014


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Demons, GOD, and Cough Surup

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God
gäd/
noun
  1. (in Christianity and other monotheistic religions) the creator and ruler of the universe and source of all moral authority; the supreme being.
    synonyms: the Lord, the Almighty, the Creator, the Maker, the Godhead; More

  2. (in certain other religions) a superhuman being or spirit worshiped as having power over nature or human fortunes; a deity.
    “a moon god”
    synonyms: deitygoddess, divine being, celestial being, divinityimmortalavatar

 exclamation
  1. used for emphasis or to express emotions such as surprise, anger, or distress.
    “God, what did I do to deserve this?”

    We ALL our demons…..mine are part of my family. Unfortunately, we cant pick and choose them. I would pick demons over my family however, any day. At least I know what they are, in what closets they hide themselves, and what to expect from them. Cant say the same about my family…..they are about as fucked up as they come. In my family, its split in my directions, and the “normal” is complete chaos and dysfunction. My family has more secrets then any major government conspiracy I think. Its corrupt, full of lies, and abusers, thieves, and rapists…..that’s just a brief summary. Like I said…to bad that we cant pick our family…..I would have clearly elected to simply NOT have one at all!

    Whatever inner demons you carry with you, its your business. You should never be forced or guilt-ed into claiming, clarifying, or dealing with them from anyone. Or judged by them for that matter!!!! As highly trained as the professionals “may” be, with their glorified awards, and polished placards, doesn’t prove a DAMN thing to me! Sure it looks good on paper, or in a pretty frame, but what it doesn’t say or tell you is…… Do they have the personal experience? Anyone person can be trained or schooled. Not that I’m belittling or putting down those that go after their dreams or ambitions……..just that, it doesn’t  necessarily say anything more to me than….” you were eligible to be taught or trained, and spent XXXXXX amount of $$$$$ and countless hours of learning.”
    What about the realities of “REAL” life??? FIRST HAND???? NOT textbook??? I don’t want anyone that’s NEVER experienced, or shared in the same pains, dramas, or problems, to sit comfortably across from me, and try to tell me ALLLLLLLLLLLL about myself!!!!!! No thank you…..get the Hell outta my face! Who the HELL do you think you are??? You know nothing about me or my life…and have never walked in any of my shoes!!! I just really think that  person that is qualified, should be one that is an advocate and survivor themselves, NOT someone that read about the “HOW TO’S”
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    I struggled with GOD and Religion for most of my youth, and into adulthood, and rightfully so. You say…” Aw, you poor thing, you were lost and confused, what  a tormented soul.” I say….lost and confused…..my soul was my own. Of course, these are my views and beliefs, nobody has the right to judge or criticize me,or anyone else on that note. I feel that I must also add that I grew up in church, also went to a Holiness Private school for sometime, was baptized Holiness, and was in Choir as well. Really, it was just slightly short of Quaker. At least it felt like that. Let me briefly explain. It taught fire & brimstone, hell on earth, and condemnation, long uncut hair, no jewelry (including wedding rings), no make-up, no tv, no premarital sex, obey GOD & husband, no gay rights or beliefs, long sleeves, long skirts or dresses, and no pants….that just the start of it. Really, it was a bunch of crap, with brain washing and a side order of cult!! Now hear me out. If you choose to go on your own as an adult, then thats completely up to you…but at least dont FORCE it on your innocent kids! Later in life, you will find that EVERYTHING you were taught was LIES…and that that the person you thought that was teaching you knew everything…..this is completely wrong. You paid to be part of the congregation and committee and followed and abided by “their” rules and regulations! You will find that over time the book has been rewritten and modified to suite the needs of the masses for that time period. Science has proof that undiscovered books that were left out of the Bilbe exists…..stories were written to draw you in and use scare tactics to control you,so you would follow their rules…and nobody elses. I could go on for ever!!
    Everyone claimed to be a CHRISTIAN, yet, was up in the mix of everyone elses business. They kept their own dark secrets and had “THEIR” own agendas….almost ALWAYS being the first to judge! They taught out of king James. Funny thing….there are so many versions of the BIBLE, and Religions, yet, EVERYONE claims “theirs” is the right one! The Bible has been proven to be nothing more than a man made book, comprised of short stories that have been modified over time to ensure law & order, by controlling the masses, ensuring some forms of regulation and equality. We all need faith…humans need something to believe in, I guess. A  member had a pastor that was sleeping with her and using her. Abuse, corruption, immoral lies and deceit….and yet, the followers held onto their faith. Interesting.
    (COUGH SURUP PLEASE)
    I do have faith….I dont  however,have faith that GOD exists, nor does not…..I do however have faith and  spiritual belief that we are NOT alone in the vast galaxy….and that something more intelligent and powerful out there exists then us…..I can not believe that its GOD…its NEVER been proven. I hold onto my spirituality…and Inner Peace, it IS, and ALWAYS has been what has gotten me through….GOD has remained silent and  invisible.” -GP
    If there was a GOD…where was he/she when I needed him/her? All those times I was alone, and scared. He/she sat by and watched me get used, abused, and tormented and left me alone to feigned for myself. What about this “SO CALLED ALMIGHTY GOD”  for innocents? Church teaches us he is a merciful, loving GOD, that eases our pain, and suffering, by keeping us safe in his/her loving arms…never giving us more the we can handle….BULLSHIT!!!!!! Im calling it for WHAT it IS!!!!!  Im the person to tell you, GOD has abandoned his/her post…and went fishing!! I am in pain and dealing with various diseases on top of my fucked up life of varying abuse!!!! The stories we know are changing …and continue to do so. Most books were written hundreds of years after the claimed accounts, or certain ones even left out all together! WOW….these people had great memories…and how could they have been there to witness it themselves….I call shenanigans! I think that if this “GOD” didnt want the job then it shouldnt have been taken in the first place! The church has been guilty and still is of NOT accepting you unless you follow in line with them and become “LIKE” them. They are the biggest hypocrites. Not everyone wants to be like everyone else.
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    (One brief short account)
    “He” had been getting more and more aggressive with me. Pushing himself more and more……I knew it was a matter of time before he raped me. I had at this point already been violated and raped by other people …I didnt want it to EVER happen again. NOT by him or ANYONE else. It was because of my safety…my life and being proactive that I left home. My sanity was at risk for being taken…I had lost so much already at this point…..and I had given so much. I was 12 or 13.
    Tonight was so cold. I could see my breath out. The frost was in my nose and it made it sting a bit. My fingers wer red and burning from being so icy cold. The wind blew on my face….numbing it,  and made it unbearable out. I had no coat…..thank goodness I wore warmer clothes today! The ground crunched under my feet with every step. The farther I got away from that house…the better and safer I felt! It was eerie and quiet out tonight. No doubt from the new frost and freezing ….people were at home, safely sleeping all warm and toasty in their beds. It was late October…maybe even November. I had ridden the bus all around town, and tried to get as much sleep as I could, knowing tonight was gonna be a long night. I needed to stay awake to make sure I was as safe as possible. I would sleep tonight at the bus station. It was lit fairly well. Tomorrow I would curl up like a cat as close to the back door of “his” sons grandparents apartment to be safe and out of the frosty air. It started to rain. Man, I hated getting wet. I hurried along. Jesus, it was so bitter and cold. I was hungry, but the cold made me forget I hadnt eaten in a couple days…..I couldnt remember. They never knew I slept there from time to time…even to this day, I dont think they know. I used a sitting bench and some pots, with the rug that was at the door to take the breeze off me, and help keep out some cold. It worked little, but offered some form of comfort to me. I closed my eyes, and let my senses be filled with the sounds around me, and the cold on my skin. I started to cry. I sobbed and it was such  lonely feeling, to feel lost, alone, and unloved. To know, that I wasnt missed. I laid there that night…. hungry, cold, my nose running….and asked this “GOD” why? I asked him if he despised me like my mother and everyone else…if he didnt want me like everyone else. I asked if I had done something to upset him…if I deserved this….and why? How could he leave me….to starve and be alone. That was the last time…I talked to “GOD” until my first grandson was born. Since then….its been hit or miss…and I have turned to a different belief and following.
    No matter the amount of demons you have or the things you have done …GOD should NEVER leave your side! Innocent women and children that need love and protection should be shown mercy. I believe in being proactive. Taking your life into your own hands. Believe in you and your strength will come to you…you will find it!  You have it in you! I refuse to hold onto the “hopes” that something, or someone will come rescue me, because, I rescued myself! The church turns a blind eye to abuse….at least they did when I was growing up. Never admitting to it…and denying any wrong doing. They judged you, yet, taught NOT to do it to others. they preach “HONESTY,LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, UNITY, but all are the first to ridicule and cast stones. I dont know about you, its wrong and goes against my beliefs. How can we in the very same breath, teach one thing to our children yet, ideally stand by and commit those those very same  acts against others and prosecute them so harshly? We ideally stand by and allow the church to break us down,mock, judge, ridicule, and scare us into those beliefs…and that we need them!  We teach to love yourself and accept your self for being an individual, but the church condemns you for this.
    Its a matter of views and beliefs yes, and personal choices or rights. However, how can anyone person point fingers if they themselves  are doing this very thing????? Brain washing you to thinking that you or I are anything less then perfect just the way we are? Something to think about I’d say. Illogical and immoral in my book. To think that its all ones fault is error. Its not. Dont allow the beliefs and morals of any one group or individual, to sway or influence you into thinking that there is anything wrong with you. You dont need to follow others to save your soul. Search within yourself, you may find that you already posses the answers you seek. If not…..Im sure they will come!
    (COUGH SURUP)….makes me sick
    Peace,Love and Harmony to you…as you search for your own inner happiness and seek to find your strength. Dont give in to others ideas about what should be….but invite your own ideas and live by your own standards and code! I wish for you love on your journey…and strength and peace in knowing your not alone out there. Always know, you ARE someone special, and I love you! ❤

Life…..

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Life.....

I was out taking my pictures to bring to my blogs and I happened to capture this. I was completely taken back by it. I stood there frozen. My feet like concrete. I realized he had the answers that most of us seek. If life’s a garden….I wanna walk in it……take time to enjoy the things around you…….forget the past it was yesterday…tomorrow hasn’t come, don’t let it worry you…live in today , in the moment. Breathe deeply……and know that with each passing moment you become stronger, and wiser. We cannot control others…but we have control over our selves and our feelings and thoughts……live according to YOUR plan…NOT someone elses…….learn to forgive yourself….making mistakes….only means your human!
Hope to see you all soon……Peace, Love, Harmony, and Balance to you….may your soul find what it is that you are in search for on your journey in life!