Reflections arent always what you see…..sometimes, when your looking you see what you ONLY choose to see. Everything has a form of beauty in it…..look past outward appearances, and find what draws you in. You may be surprised at what you find.
Jewels on a necklace
cut differently, you and I
all attached one way or another on a strand,
in life just touching one another briefly,
as we stroll through our lives journeys individually.
Thought for the day…….
Where does brilliance come from?
The body, or mind?
Heart or soul?
In which direction does it flow?
Lastly, just how bright do you shine to others?
It has been some months now that I have unplugged, and for good reason. It has been a bumpy ride, and I have found myself doing more soul searching. These last few months have left me in more emotional anguish, jobless, and in pain then I care to share. However, it has taught me one thing, that being that we are ALL invaluable. Some of us have never tasted the feelings of self worthlessness, some have. In any case, I have to say that no matter who you are, what background you came from, there IS purpose. What that purpose is, Im not entirely sure. Thats what your own journey decides in life. That will be another day. To be honest, I wasnt sure just how many people I have touched, and often wondered, should I stop blogging or sharing all together?? With that said, I will continue to share my thoughts on life, abuse, and emotional baggage as I have done in the past. I will also gladly continue posting my pictures everytime I blog just to keep you all in high spirits. If you choose not to read my posts Im ok with that…..however, you may find yourself one day thinking back on something that I’ve shared that may have touched you in one way or another…..at least, thats what Im aiming for! Im not looking to become famous, or rich….just to be honest, and share in life journeys what may help someone, somewhere along the line in how to be more loving, positive, and cope more productively instead of just being numb and self destructing or simply on auto pilot going through life feeling no purpose. Im here, always have been…your not alone…never will be. You are loved….and you will always have a friend in me.
I wish for you during this time of seasonal change, the harvesting of a new spirit. Inner sanctum and peace, a place in your soul that you may tap into to get comfortable within your skin, and reclaim you and your life. Health and prosperity, love, and a kindred heart. Live life everyday with no regrets and love entirely, never give up, and dont hold back. Explore your mind, spirit, and soul with all you have….learn to put yourself first.
Until next blogcast…..Be well my lovelies….be well!
Clowns wear a face that”s painted intentionally on them so they
appear to be happy or sad. what kind of mask are you wearing today?
Clowns Cry to. I wonder why that is. They are under paid and underrated I believe. Its truly amazing how they can put on a show, forgetting their own lives, to bring joy and happiness to others that need it. They are laughed at, mocked, and people snort and point at them behind their backs. They are painted comedians. What I find most interesting is that in almost all cases the clown or comedian has come from some form of tragedy. Laughter heals they say. I would like to meet the person responsible for this “so called” saying and ask him/her personally what makes him/her the expert on that. So much pressure is put onto the person that is the abused or the victim. We are expected to go through life pretending that nothing has happened or is wrong. We are forced to set aside our own feelings, never dealing with them, and suck it up and move on.
“The mind is but a mystical dark circus;
we are nothing but a clown playing along to life’s theater.
Our faces delicately brimming with giggles;
painted in bright colors,
As we hide from the world…..
showing them only what they truly want to see.”
— G. Parkhurst
There is much pain, sorrow, and sadness in most of us, as we trot along in life. In most cases people are so oblivious they don”t even see. In fact, is it that they don”t see…or wanna see? Could they handle it? Its a hard luck life,…….. no, a hard luck story. No clown or comedian asks you to feel sorry for them. Just that you take time to understand them. To respect them and all the hurt that comes along with them. Most often times, we are not seen or heard. We dress to impress and put on our happy face, pushing aside those things that haunt us.
” I remain in the dark.
My face misrepresented by this circus of life, tormented by my emotions and memories.
My mind constantly working, never allowing silence or peace.
I fear the silence, it shreds my soul a bit at a time, never leaving me
to stop entertaining the idea that I MUST continue to hide behind a mask.
For behind this mask of characters, nobody can see what truly pains me.
My heart is lost to the enchantment of each mask, intricately made, just for me, that I must put on and wear.
Im caught up in confusion, cleverly disguised as being a normal person.”
— G. Parkhurst
I’ve heard people often remark that they are scared of clowns. Some petrified. Why you ask? Could it be that those very same people are in tune with their surroundings? Im not saying pedophile here….Im saying that possibly they see past the paint and all the make-up. Their intuitions prove that they see that there is so much more beneath the surface. What is it that they are hiding? What really is going on in their souls and minds? Could it be they see the pain, trauma, horror, abuse…or even evilness? Kinda scary to me.
The bottom line is that the next time you find yourself judging someone…look at them a little deeper with more understanding and compassion. Dont expect them to pick up…dust right off..move on…forget and forgive. It should be on our time, not yours. Try to get past the clown and see the person. Try to be understanding and get to know them. Listen to their stories and what they are really trying to tell you without speaking.
They are my heroes….and I there sister or brother. We are family. We share a commonality. We have a unwritten or unspoken bond,
I respect them and their jobs, they do it so well, and I like them, and so many others out there, who bring joy to others where there is sadness. Its a heavy burden to carry. However, when I put my mask on..its easier to focus my energy on your pain and sadness…then to face my inner demons and fears, i would rather forget about mine, to help you let go of yours! We touch peoples lives every day and forget about our own…casting it to the wayside. SO much so…..that we get lost in ourselves…some struggling to get out…others content in still wearing the masks…it no longer is just a mask…but has become and always will be part of who and what they truly are…….lost forever…what we wanna be…and wanna do…or ever wanna feel.
What mask are you wearing today?
I wish for you today a sense of inner peace and healing. Truly that you know that you are not alone and that no matter what mask you choose…..I love you for who you are, not which one you choose to wear. Dont fear the mask…embrace it and let it surround you and keep you. In it, you feel a sense of safety. Its ok. I wont and dont judge you. When you are ready, I and others like me will be here for you to help you, guide you, encourage you, and we will ALWAYS love and support you! Safe journeys today for your inner spirit…let your mind wander freely today, reflecting on which masks can be thrown out and which ones you still need.
Until next time my fellow clowns…..live to laugh another day, shed a tear , and always keep smiling! ❤
iS IT REALLY? iS IT?
Before I begin, I would like to take a brief moment, and explain to my readers how simple I am. I don’t think there’s a need for me to fancy up my page and clutter, or litter it with links and unnecessary information to keep you glued to my blog or page. It is what it is. Its not pretty, and definitely NOT for someone who is looking for all the shimmering lights and colors. Its plain, direct, and to the point. There’s no need when I talk about abuse to make it masterful. Because its NOT!! Its not pretty. Its nasty, horrible, evil, and dark. I left it as real as possible. If it doesn’t attract people on that note, then I guess Im not attracting the right people. I touch base on the REAL things the reality of it all. Not the glamour or falsehoods that other pages or bloggers try to glorify….are they even real victims or survivors?? Its not for me to judge and Im not putting anyone down. What Im saying is, I try to bring the harsh realities of abuse and life to you. I share my poems, pictures, and my life’s stories as they were, NOT how the reader thinks they should be intended on. I do ask that you share. I do ask, that if you, or anyone you know needs help or encouragement, that you share my story or blog. You never know in life the impact it may provide for someone. I want to keep this as real and effective as possible. Im Not making this a game, or be competitive like others. Its not a contest to see who can get as many followers as possible. Its hard cold facts, straight out of the writers mouth, shared on paper put to you. like or leave it, love it or not, this is me…my story….and its through my eyes. Dont tell someone about their pain, when you have no idea of the cause. I would however, like to thank the readers and the few followers that I do have. It’s because of YOU that I write. Its because of YOU that I share…and YOUR kind words and encouragement have inspired me to stay strong and keep doing what Im doing. YOU mean so much to me…its refreshing to know that I have touched YOU….the same way that YOU have reached in and touched my very soul. Thank YOU, from the bottom of my heart!
On to my story!
(one brief short)
I came home from school one day. It was a bright beautiful day out. The trees were in full bloom and Summer was no doubt was around the corner, and I was looking forward to it. Less time to be stuck here in this “HELLHOLE” rotting like a corpse on the inside. I could leave and go to my best friends….she lived in another town…about 20 minutes away..and I was safe there. Safe to be me, to live life with no worries, and be the kid I was meant to be. I was loved there, and protected. God Damn…why couldn’t we pick our own families??
I wore a skirt that my friend had given me. It came to right above the knee. I was a early bloomer. Boobs the size of a D cup and just started Jr High School. Slender frame 5′ 7″ and long dirty blonde hair. Full lips and blue eyes. I never really thought I was good looking. Boys teased me about my lips and so did my family. They mocked me and pointed at my boobs. I hated them and my boobs. I would have given anything back to NOT go through that in my life. However, it made me who I am today . Right?
I had flats on. My favorite pair. They were white, and the soles were gone on them. They stunk. I loved them though, “she” knew but didn’t buy me a new pair. Bunions started to grow, but I didn’t care. I was ugly and I wanted to stay that way, so “he” didn’t notice me. It made me less visable to him and less attractive I thought, the better. To this day…I have low self-esteem…and poor self- image. I had on a t-shirt, it was plain and my hair was down, the sun was shining on my face and I felt good. I walked over a mile to and from school. I enjoyed it though. It gave me time to drift off and daydream of far off places and dream my pretend family.
I came through the backyard and closed the fence behind me. My mother was outside and told me to stay right there. I knew better then to fight.“she” would hit me…or beat me, so I did as I was told. “She” came out with a pair of scissors and cut my clothes right off me in the back yard. Screaming and yelling at me. Saying things that were hurtful and mean.
“You have fat legs, you should NEVER wear dresses or skirts!” “You outta be ashamed of yourself wearing something like this!” ” You look like a tramp!” ” What makes you think that you can or could wear something like this?” ” You are NEVER to dress this way again!” “Go to your room…dont come out until I tell you to!”
I ran to my room in horror. How could “she” do this to me? The shear embarrassment. The neighbors could see me. We only had a chain link fence between the two yards. What did I do to “her” to deserve that? “She” came in yelling more at me…swinging a belt telling me to lay over the bed. I did as I was told. “She” had found my poetry book. It was kinda like a journal, only it was larger and had so many of my earlier writings in it.The only way I could get out what was being done to me was to write about it. It was my only escape…and I did it mentally quite alot! I could never use names or the instances that always happened, so when “she” read it…it looked like I was a sex craved fool….letting people just use me like a whore! I still couldnt tell her (- side note- when i did eventually tell my mother about her husband…I was with “his” ex wife..she encouraged me to do so…I was 15 and pregnaunt at the time…and my mother called me a liar and wanted dates and times. She hung up on me..I will never forget that day. Thats one reason I never told her to begin with. although, i think she knew and was in denial.) I screamed in terror…I was so angry with “her” for going through my things. It was the ONLY private thing I had. I could write in it…and say the things that I felt I had the power to say. “She” gripped the book…and tore outpage by page….poem and story by story…ripping them into tiny pieces in front of me. I was powerless. I was in utter and complete shock. “She” was my mother. How and why could someone ever be this cruel to a person…let alone their very own daughter? I must have lost my mind and forgotten my place in the pecking order. I knew NEVER to challenge “her” or “him”. It was the way I was raised. I turned around and grabbed the binder that was left and screamed “NOOOOOOOOOOO”…I couldnt say anything else. Wrong move. Check mate. The next thing I knew, I was flat on my back and she was on top of me. “her” hands around my throat and I grasping for air as if my life depended on it. The look in “her” eyes was unforgettable. It is etched forever in my mind….I dont think I will ever forget that look. “She” looked mad. Not mad mad…but MAD HATER MAD!!! Like a shark when it has its prey in its mouth and its eyes roll back into that vast glossy black darkness…..I could see it in “her” eyes. “She” wasnt my mother. Nor, would “she” EVER be. I closed my eyes and gave one loud scream….knowing that this was my time. I would be lost and nobody would know or hear my story. I could never save anyone. It was my time to surrender and give up. The fight for me was over, and I had lost. Something happened. “he” had come in for some reason…and taken “her” off me. To this very day, I still wonder why. Was it for “his” enjoyment later. To later bring up, as if I owed “him” a debt? No matter what the reason…I found myself on the floor flailing around like a fish trying to get water. Much like one of the scenes from MOMMY DEAREST. (- side note- that is one of my favorite movies…i could relate in many ways to that girl. Although, we were not rich.) I WILL NEVER forget that day. I wanted to die. I remember thinking I embraced the face of death and welcomed it. Since that time…I have welcomed it many times. The memories and emotions that are tied together go hand in hand,.They are seared and burned into my mind, some days I wish I hadn’t took that breathe.
“No rules on love, and no rules on war, means its a fair fight.”
“All’s fair in love and war.” – quote Frank Farleigh
I ask myself that big question. Is it though? Was it really fair? Its a good question and deserves more discussion I think. Its hard out there to fight the fight and remain a survivor. Some days you want to give up and succome to the inevitable. You no longer have the drive or desire to hang on. It not a matter of feeling sorry for yourself and/or complaining or whining….I despise those that make comments or remarks to victims or survivors in that manner. (Go fuck yourself….you dont have a clue….and I HOPE for your sake…you or anyone you know WILL NEVER have one!!! ) For what purpose? We are never intended on knowing our purpose. There remains a pythra of questions to be answered and more coming. Are we meant to know? If we were shown our purpose in our lives and the outcomes of our struggles would we change that which we didnt foresee in the first place? Would it matter? I may not be the most intelligent person out there…or the best blogger.
I do however, think that it doesnt matter. Your story is yours, and its how it should be. Nobody can be the judge of how you share it and cast judgments on your idealism’s. Sometimes, I just wish that we didnt have to keep fighting. That people would and should respect the survivors in the world and the trials, tribulations and countless unnecessary suffering that they endured. Encourage them with open arms and embrace them. Why must it be a race or competition to see who had the worst life and who succeeded more? Is that what lifes all about? In the end, its not a matter of how much this, or how many that…the bottom line is there are TO MANY in the first place!!!
In my book, one is to many.
” What a cruel thing is war; to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbor, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.”
– Robert E Lee – letter to his wife 1864
I will leave you with this to ponder over…..
“Both bring out the best of both worlds, battles of the heart and soul.” – Anonymous
Love & Peace to you all…may your Soul find and receive Balance, and your mind be in Harmony with it!
One word, so powerful and can change the lives of the person that must have it! Its associated with many other words but, I would like to talk about this one, and the hold it has over many people………………….
(one brief account)
I woke up again. Sheets soaked, bed completely destroyed, and my pajamas glued to me. I look like I took a shower, but in bed. My heart pulsing, beating intensely out of my chest. Pupils dilated, and the real feelings of terror still freshly burned into my mind….as if it just happened again!! I had another night terror. I was shaken awake this time by my husband. He told me I was fighting in my sleep, and screaming. He tried to comfort me….and of course, I laid down a towel, nestled into his arms, and I cried myself asleep. This wasn’t the first, nor would it be the last time. Its been almost 20 years now since my abusers have had physical contact like the ones in my nightmares.
I wonder…..does any of the abusers have night terrors? How do they sleep? Are they comfortable and sleep through the night undisturbed? Why is after allllll these years that my abusers have this same “control” over me? For the second part of my life I have been working on healing. Trying to regain the “control” I never had and feel like I’m the one dictating my life and its my story….why shouldn’t I be the one to have the control? Wrong. At least for me it was, and is. Once I relinquished this control….I somehow let my abusers (all of them) have it. Call it weakness…call it ignorance. Call it what you want. Judge if you feel you have the right to…..but really, the fact is, I lost “control” over me and my body, and the power to say “no” It was of no use. I had been broken down, beaten, and battered both mentally and physically, and had crumpled. Letting go of my own dreams, goals, inhibitions and aspirations in life. I no longer mattered..and was here to be nothing more then a muted slave, giving in to the dark twisted desires of others sick, demented, and pure enjoyment, at my expense of course.
Its hard to see through the eyes of someones story, and feel their pain, unless you have lost that control in your life at one point. For me, it was refreshing to get some “control” back and be MY own ruler. I happily married and we raised our family, but I realized that even though I was now an adult, the “control” factor would present itself in ways I didn’t know, was just getting started. I had to have “control” over how my house was decorated. “Control” over when we had sex, (for obvious reasons, most victims do.) “Control” over what every one was doing around me… “Control” over my children and their lives,and even though it was partially parenting, it still was “control”. Some may have seen it as over protective parenting…but in fact, because they didn’t know my story, I’m calling it for what it was. Of course, my “control” was out of fear for them in most cases. I figured out that my home and the items in it were safe, and in my nest I had that “control”. I became obsessed with that, It meant so much to me that I became OCD. People joke about it, but when they understood why I was this way it became clear that the underlying reason was a shock to them. Its common to have someone with this disorder, due to the past of a victim, we tend to make up for it in other aspects of our lives. Sound familiar? The loss of “control” leeched into my abilities of making decisions and my everyday life. It still does, and I hold that in and privately to myself for many different reasons. Its one of the many burdens I carry. again, its another form of “control”. It affected my sleep patterns and my judgements. I would sometimes regress and fall back into the shadows for fear of loosing “control” or not having “control” of the situation. I would reject going out, or public functions for fear of not having “control”, and I love to be social, lovepeople and having parties and gatherings…butHAVE TO maintain“control”.
Why were these abusers having this much “control” over me? I now know that its evident that we all process things differently and work through our issues and barriers at our own rate. nobody can tell you otherwise. Tell them to “F*&$ Off…if they do!! Was it possible that I would NEVER be free, NEVER to have my own “control” again? I have talked to many others, coached, mentored, and researched this epidemic. It grasps hold tightly onto its victims, and its hard to get back of. For some, depending on the situation and circumstance, maybe it was presented as a “secret”. Others like myself…maybe put across as “nobody would believe you any ways” and ” your a liar…admit you were lying” or forced by threats as well to keep the silence. Isn’t it “control” that is the dominating factor here? Driving its predators and abusers for purposeful gain to a degree? What was it so important for these people to take mine and keep it for themselves. Was it greed? Sense of empowerment? The outcome doesn’t really matter to me….and I’m sure not you either. Getting it back is the IMPORTANT thing. Not to force it on others is also important, when making up for lost time and regaining it back. Its not others fault, nor, ANY fault of your own. However, I have learned through helping others that the “control” factor isn’t always talked about or shared. Its merely brought up rather quickly and then passed over. I believe that if we focus on it, and give it back to the rightful owners, then the healing can begin, leaving our world a much happier place of Balance and Harmony, especially, for all the victims out there!…. ❤ isn’t that the important thing here? The goal is to maintain it, to keep it, have a sense of it.
As a child,in my time. (I’m not that old…turning 40 in a few days) we were told to respect our elders and listen to what they said. Not to argue… do what you need to, keep your head down, and be quiet, kids were meant to be seen not heard, and sex education was just starting to come out, but not really discussed especially by your parents. Predators weren’t really talked about either, or the dangers of it and the various forms of abuse. In fact, family secrets were still highly going on. There is still much I DON’T know about my own, probably wont either. I think now, with the times changing, and our youth and children being more educated, that the chance of abuse is going down, and the risk of loss of “control” going up with it. It still occurs, yes. The degree of which it does I believe, decreases every time you educate and prepare a young child. Its never to late to teach them the importance of learning that its their right, their bodies, and they CAN and SHOULD tell ANYONE that can help!!!! The MORE you tell the better the chances of getting that much needed HELP, and it could save a life and be a preventative. It also discourages the stalking predators and abusers out there!
If you talk to people our age and older, there is A LOT of victims out there our age, various from various kinds of abuse and it seems like it was the common thing to do for people back then as predators… to go and screw around and mess with someones kid…. by taking their “control”!! For centuries, taking over “control” and having power has been going on. Women not so much, but men….WOW…watch out! They HAD to have it. The MORE you had the better in stature you were!!!!….Lets not forget cavemen days….WOW..go into another tribe…take “control” over ANYTHING including women …BOOM….your the boss! Its every where and all around us since the beginning of time. Yet, it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. I’m not talking about money, or taking over a country. I’m talking about the personal “control” and to me, far more important , psychical, mental, and mind “control“. Women didn’t have much say about anything at one point in our history. Recently, we have been given the right to choose about our own bodies and have the “say” on what we want to do to it. Maybe others are finally realizing the importance that one should have “control” over themselves and its their right.
We cant change the things from our past and the wrongs that have been done, or to us. Letting them sit inside of you by harboring them, and not letting them out,…… and ….go…consumes you, and your life, not to mention, the lives of those around you. Its a pride thing with me I think. I still hurt and have my days…I feel lost and alone. However, I have turned fears into anger, about the lack of control and used it to my advantage. I now know that I DO in fact, have “control” over me and my life. I cant “control” my mind when it sleeps,but,I have let go of reining over my adult children, and have finally started to see that by helping others to encourage them, to educate them, to show them they are not alone, that my “control” issues have started to disappear. It didn’t happen over night. I let the floors go unvacuumed for almost 2 whole weeks… let a few dishes pile in the sink, and the clothes sit in the basket crumpled without folding them or hanging them up……man, did that bug me out…..Maybe I am a bit competitive, I like to win. and thrive for challenges……BUT I’ll be damned, if my abusers and the ones that have hurt me in my life…breaking me down to put themselves up, breaking me, and making me a broken spirit are gonna win this fight. I wont waist another minute on them, and the unforgivable pain they caused, but rather turn it into a challenge of positivity and lead by example by and moving towards a goal of enlightenment, spirituality, encouragement and support for others, peace and love, and harmony and balance,……lastly and more importantly….CONTROL.
I was just reading a story. About a young boy invited to a birthday party. The theme, princesses and castles. Though he was the only boy, his parents let him go. He asked if he could dress up in a costume as well. They allowed it. He was maybe 5 or 6. The parents ridiculed the parents of the young boy. Judging them harshly. Yet, the other small children invited him in, gave compliments on his costume, and never gave it a second thought. It brings my attention to Society. Why is it that as a society we have all of a sudden thought that we can just over step our bounds and freely open our mouth to give an opinion that wasnt asked for in the first damn place? We are like bulls in a China closet for Pete’s sake! It bothers me, as Im sure it bothers a lot of people.I blogged and posted a similar post talking about judging others. Easy to do since your on the dishing out end.
What about the receiving end of things? Have you ever been judged or bullied? Its horrible! I think its something thats becoming more and more prevalent, and forgiven more often. I believe its like a disease….”must open mouth”….to- say-something-negative…… I believe that people need to keep more to them selves instead of up in everyone’s business inviting themselves in to tell you alllllll about yourself and what your doing wrong. Of course, when confronted, these people are the very same ones that when you try to tell them about themselves or offer constructive criticisms they become belligerent idiots and start acting like fools getting angry and hostile! The more we turn a blind eye to it and pretend that it doesnt exist, the more it seems to happen. If it doesnt hurt you, and doesnt affect you….then keep out of it. It doesnt pertain to you. Some how, people automatically assume that because we have this “Freedom of Speech” that we are entitled to be asses about how we feel and can treat strangers like dogs or scum. Like they are “ABOVE” everyone else! I get so frustrated with people on this scale of things. Just because you have a mouth doesnt mean you should open it as often as you think that you should. Brings me back to “If you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all.” What happened to that? What happened to tact? What happened to manners and minding your own business if there is no threat involved. If you, or someone around you safety’s is not threatened…back off!
As the general public a lot of us are guilty of this. Being sick with illnesses is another prime example. I have a few diseases that I have to take day by day. When you look at me or someone like me…you can not tell Im not well. However, people are quick to judge. Ruling out the fact that they dont know what the hell they think they know in the first place! People with illnesses dont have tattoos on their foreheads saying their sick. Why should they(we)….? Its not anyones business Im not feeling good or in pain…or that I cant move …ect. ect. Also, that of a victim. Its an out cry and people should be ashamed of themselves for telling someone to “get over it” or “isnt about time you let that go’? They really have no idea…but have full intentions on judging someone without knowing the first thing about being one! I think that the old sayings should come back. Times have changed….and sometimes I think not for the better of our interests. People are getting out of hand and so is their attitudes and opinions. Feelings arent taken into account and get trampled on so easily. Some people are over bearing and over opinionated. Its rude and inconsiderate. To me, its another form of bullying. But adult style. We are so busy wrapped up in the dramas of others, that life is passing us by in our very own lives. Take a step back and weigh out your options….there can be consequences to opening your mouth and giving your unwarranted opinion. Are you ready to take a chance and ruin relationships over your indecent jabbering? What are we teaching our youth when we behave this way? How can we correct them when they have learned by watching us with their own eyes? We are supposed to be leading by example. Fine specimen we are.
Bottom Line is: dont judge a book by its cover, you might find the contents arent what you were expecting, and know nothing about in the first place!!
What’s in your wallet? Or purse? No. Not the Capital One Commercial question.
What are you carrying around with you? If you were to dump out the contents of your purse of wallet, what would you find? Are all the items worth keeping? Do they have uses, or have you gotten so comfortable with carrying them unnecessarily around, that you have simply forgotten that they are merely there? Is it possible that you hold on to those items that just in the chance you “might” need it? Do you struggle to let them go?
The big question you find yourself asking is;
” Why am I still holding onto and carrying these items?”
Beaten,battered, and bruised, cowering on the bedroom floor barricaded in with a nightstand and my feet planted as hard as I could. I gripped my two small children in terror. Fear pulsing in my veins, shaken and trembling. I sat listening to the police invade my home destroying it and its contents, searching no doubt for the bastard that had just beaten me in front of my children. His children. We were all huddled together, I nothing more then a mere child of just 18 at the time with my 2 small kids. Afraid,and confused. They brought the dogs this time. He had more warrants and this time, he was hiding like the coward that he was, trying to tuck himself into the space underneath the stairs. They would get him…and they did!! They let the dogs do the hard work this time…sniffing him like the looser he was! I was so angry and yet petrified at the same time. Time seemed to change in an instant. His mood always did when he was coming down off a high, and/or alcohol. It was the norm for him to go to work on a Friday and that would be the last time I would see him most times, until Monday morning when the phone would ring…and it would be his boss looking for him again no doubt. He always got paid on a Friday, and most times, he got a motel room, boozed it up, and got high all weekend, coming home broke and pissed off. He always took it out on me. They got him cuffed now, taking him outside. I locked the bedroom door, kids safely inside, and followed the police outside. He was screaming at me, cursing me and my name. Making threats and at this point the female officer maced him. God that felt good to see! She told him that was enough. I had bruises, was terrified. I was embarrassed, and ashamed. For some reason, I was drawn to him like a moth to a light. His voice would bring me to my knees and I would once again be weak. Little did I know, that day wouldn’t be the last. In fact, I would suffer a great many more times and to various degrees,until one day, I met my night and shining armor. (Thats another story, for another day)
How many more times would I suffer?
What was I carrying around with me of any value? Was it benefiting me at all?
Why couldn’t I let it go? Was it worth keeping? What power had he have on me?
The problem with most of us is that we are carrying around some form of items that we are attached to unnecessarily. Items that have no use and we arent benefiting from. I held onto these various accounts for most of my life.Taking out the contents and hurting the ones i loved with them. It wasnt their faults…I just didnt know how or what I was doing by NOT letting go of these items that were dragging me and my relationships with everyone down.It was affecting me and my life in many aspects and putting up barriers from me living my life the way it should be lived. I wasnt the only one suffering…others around me suffered…and it was unnecessary. To what cost would I hold onto these things and not let them go? it took someone to show me, to tell me, to point it out. I realized then, the pain I was causing, and the people it affected so deeply. Even years after they had been long and gone. They were deep seated issues sure. Yes, took me sometime to get a handle on them but, what about the people that cant get that handle on them? This I think is a toughie. Most of us carry with us burdens, scars, bruises, and the not so loved….emotional baggage, some not even our own to bear. We go through life broken, alone, and afraid. Much like the purse or wallet, learning how and when to dump them out and clean it up is a huge task. First you must open the purse or wallet. Dig out whatever item it is thats bothering you and throw it out without looking back! For some, they have no idea what particular item is bugging them until often times its right under their nose.Others have a difficult times wanting to let go. They are attached to articles or items that have no monetary or significant value, but more a personal,emotional attachment, or even memory. Maybe for fear of forgetting? They fear that if the items is let go, they will be forced to move on and face the fact that they have to deal with whatever they are avoiding in the first place. Grudges are an offender as well. Lifes just to short to hold onto them, getting sucked into that negativity……learn to let go!!!Was the item a good or bad connection? That in itself may have something to do with it? If it was bad, some find it easier to let it go. Others use it to gain strength while others focus on it, and its power engulfs them. It destroys them. Some just struggle period. There is no right or wrong in dumping out your purse or wallet. Honestly, its just a metaphor, but by now, Im sure you have gotten the picture.
Not just pertaining to items in your purse, but things that you carry with you everyday. Are they worth all the baggage and weight? Arent you tired of carrying them and the weight around? Nows as good as time as ever to start the cleaning and let the baggage go. Leave it for the rightful owner. Unpack, and put the luggage way. Enjoy the freedoms of not having to be weighed down and let others feel that same pressure being released from you! Lifes to short to carry with you all the emotional and whatever else baggage you carry!
“There’s a luggage limit to every passenger on a flight. The same rules apply to your life. You must eliminate some baggage before you can fly.” – Rosalind Johnson
Let those things that bind you go!
Toss out the idea that you “need” to hold on to it just case!
In the end its luggage, its meant to be dropped off…cleaned out, any leftovers thrown out, then safely stored away for someone else to use! You dont have to keep it. Its baggage. If it doesnt belong to you, find its owner, and let them have it.
thoughts from my mind to yours
Chronicling a delusional gardening experience.
girl, living in the far north, trying to think less and live more.
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Natalie. Writer. Photographer. Etc.
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