First Steps

Exploring the world through caring thoughts, the freedoms of guilt free emotions, and looking at the world through the eyes of someone elses perspective seeking to enhance and set free your soul by opening your heart and mind


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The GOOD,the BAD, and … The INVISABLE

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” Your to young. ” Your to young to have any issues or problems.” Your way to young to feel like this.”

If your like me, many more times you care to count, you have been shoved to the back burner and ignored. Many different Dr trips, $$$,  and lets not forget the years of feeling like a guinea pig or lab rat! The slew of tests that you have undergone only to be labelled to have the dreaded silent disease….Fibromyalgia!

Its that wonderful silent disease that at first I shrugged it off, in much denial that there was no way that I could have that. I thought it was stupid, and the Dr ignorant for labelling me as such. I honestly thought 10 years ago that I needed a second opinion, then a finally admitted to it with haste, on my 3rd and final attempt to figure out what the hell was going on with me.cant remeberMost days I really thought that I wanted to die from exhaustion and just was desperate to get some from of relief. That came after I sought out a pain specialist, but I soon learned that nobody really knew anything and I was on my own. I felt isolated, abandoned by my PEERS, and Dr’s, and wanted to just give up and throw in the towel.

Since my first diagnosis 10 years ago (which I go by the last one really 8 yrs) I have learned more about myself in this last year alone then with any Dr help. I decided to research on my own, trial and error of course, and I also used Homeopathic treatments at home! I changed my diet, and reminded myself, that even if I didn’t feel well today, tomorrow was another day and I would try again then.

Weather plays a huge role in my health, as does activity, and over excursion. I really have to use a cane some days, and park in the handicap with my placard when I need to. Some days, when the fatigue hits so hard and I’m loosing that battle, I cant do much, sometimes not even dress. Thank God for my loving husband, he helps when I break down and ask for help. I really do try to be self sufficient and not bother many people.

Let me look good poem copy

However, sometimes, I just want to scream and tell people to “STOP judging me, and accept me for who I am!!!”  Or, “just let me not be fake today to spare YOUR feelings”……”I’m sorry it makes YOU uncomfortable that I hurt!!! ” Geesh! The big one for me is….” You look good today….yeah, um, that doesn’t mean I’m cured!!!!” or….” I don’t understand how one day you can deal with it, and the next your down.” Another….” How is it that your fine then boom your down…makes me wonder” All cruel in my book. As if we …..the carriers and victims of this horrible disease….. “CHOOSE” when and where it will strike or how badly. AS if “WE” are lying and playing some sort of sick twisted game to gain attention.

There is so much pressure already mounted there for most of us with debilitating diseases. Our days are so much different than that of most. In some cases, (speaking for myself) I have had to cancel plans or not make any because I have went from Good, Bad, ….to……OMG WHAT THE HELL????? and honestly that can be 2 minutes later and I’m down.

I get stressed out easier due to the pain. Its overwhelming at times, and it sucks to be stuck in your head a lot and not have a way out!!! Brain fog is another for me…..I am an intelligent woman. However, now I question myself. I forget what I was going from one room to the next to retrieve, or memory issues. The compilation of sleepless nights, and fatigued days get strung together sometimes and I forget to be strong and pull it together…..hey, we are only human right. Some days, a heater blanket, another blanket, sweats and heavy socks still don’t help.

Not sure about anyone else out there, but now I’m loosing my hair. The top is becoming rather thin, eyebrows little to now…have to pencil them in, and I have noticed changes in my facial structure. My tummy is sensitive, my sleep is completely  hacked and inconsistent. So much going on, and I hate the fact that I have NO CONTROL over it. It is a creeper……it sneaks up on you without warning like a tiger to its prey and pounces on you out of nowhere!!!! It takes you down quickly and there is no use in fighting, it only makes it worse. Some days, I admit, I succumb to its evil thirst to ruin my life!!! I have learned NOT to feel ashamed or bad for who I am and what’s happening to me. Its not my fault, I have no control. I just decided to take it one day at a time!!!

keep calm

   Its become a humbling experience to not be able to use my hands sometimes, not being able to open a cereal box for my grandkids, or a can with an opening, last night, not even a wrapper. Small things I guess we all take for granted. Its also been humbling for me to look at the broader picture…..The way I see it, EVERYONE is dealing with something. I’m not asking for special treatment. I am aware there are worse off people in this world. I guess what I’m saying is…..I know that there are more like me out there. We are NOT alone. Some day we hope to have a cure for this disease and hope that more support groups, and education for this will come around. Its hard enough to have this going on….and in most cases, its not just Fibro that we are dealing with, it is compiled with other issues that can make it worse and drive you to the brink of madness!!!

I ask that you look into it, research it. More and more people are being diagnosed with this nasty thing but there is limited education, experience, and / or knowledge pertaining to the in’s and out’s of the HOW To’s. I am asking that the next time you see a person struggling, stop and ask if they need help, assist them, don’t judge someone for using a handicap that you cant see….that person just may be me. Show your support, show your love for your fellow Fibro’s out there and together we can start to make a difference in the cure so we can live the lives we were ALWAYS meant to be living!!!!

Something Purple fibromyalgia awareness dayLet me see your Purple shine!!!

For all of the Fibro’s out there, and ANYONE who is suffering silently, I wish for you comfort, and relief. I wish that your body and spirit stay strong and that you take comfort in knowing that your not alone out there. Take comfort in knowing that they are trying to bring in more Dr’s, more education nationwide. Take comfort in knowing that you are the boss and ruler of you and your body today and always!!! Advocate for yourself, nobody else will! Take a stand, be strong, and take all the time you need!! Don’t feel foolish doing research and trying new things. If something works for you, listen to your body….you know best…after all it IS YOUR body!!! I hope this helps, I know that today I was having a hard time, but I thought about it, and wanted to bring comfort nd encouragement to those that might not be having a great day either!

Fly high butterflies……fly high!!!

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Jewels on a necklace

Jewels on a necklace
cut differently, you and I
all attached one way or another on a strand,
in life just touching one another briefly,
as we stroll through our lives journeys individually.
– G.Parkhurst

Thought for the day…….
Where does brilliance come from?
The body, or mind?
Heart or soul?
In which direction does it flow?
Lastly, just how bright do you shine to others?

 

It has been some months now that I have unplugged, and for good reason. It has been a bumpy ride, and I have found myself doing more soul searching. These last few months have left me in more emotional anguish, jobless, and in pain then I care to share. However, it has taught me one thing, that being that we are ALL invaluable. Some of us have never tasted the feelings of self worthlessness, some have. In any case, I have to say that no matter who you are, what background you came from, there IS purpose. What that purpose is, Im not entirely sure. Thats what your own journey decides in life. That will be another day. To be honest, I wasnt sure just how many people I have touched, and often wondered, should I stop blogging or sharing all together?? With that said, I will continue to share my thoughts on life, abuse, and emotional baggage as I have done in the past. I will also gladly continue posting my pictures everytime I blog just to  keep you all in high spirits. If you choose not to read my posts Im ok with that…..however, you may find yourself one day thinking back on something that I’ve shared that may have touched you in one way or another…..at least, thats what Im aiming for! Im not looking to become famous, or rich….just to be honest, and share in life journeys what may help someone, somewhere along the line in how to be more loving, positive, and cope more productively instead of just being numb and self destructing or simply on auto pilot going through life feeling no purpose. Im here, always have been…your not alone…never will be. You are loved….and you will always have a friend in me.

I wish for you during this time of seasonal change, the harvesting of a new spirit. Inner sanctum and peace, a place in your soul that you may tap into to get comfortable within your skin, and reclaim you and your life. Health and prosperity, love, and a kindred heart. Live life everyday with no regrets and love entirely, never give up, and dont hold back. Explore your mind, spirit, and soul with all you have….learn to put yourself first.

Until next blogcast…..Be well my lovelies….be well!


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SURVIVAL

 

 

 

 

” Survival is not so much about the body, but rather it is about the triumph of the human spirit!”

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Its important for me to say to you that this next brief short story doesn’t in any way reflect on my beliefs. I’m not associated with any racist group, and am not racist myself. The story I’m telling here is at it happened in the words that were said. It not intended to mislead you into thinking I’m a racist bigot or offend or cast ill will towards any other race. This is my story, and how I witnessed it. 

 

“He” was a racist bigot, always had been. Saying things to me like” man, you got them big nigger lips dont ya?” or “God Damn your ugly!” “I hope your not hangin around those nigger kids.” ” You know Im not taking you to the dance, especially if your going with any of those nigger kids!” “why dont you come over here and suck my dick with those nigger lips of yours?”

Ok, thats about all I can write. Makes me sick and I wanna vomit!

I had a few best friends in my school years…some WERE black. I had to endure comments and actions like that my whole life…and to this day as far as I know “he” is still like that. “He” obviously was narrowed minded and “his” views and beliefs didn’t rub off on me. In fact, spite “him”, I befriended many more people like the ones I had growing up. I didn’t see anything wrong with it. I guess I didn’t see colors like “he” did. Guess I was color blind!  I had no clue what the issue was. How immoral and illogical was “he” for not even knowing that as a Italian man, “his” nationality originated from Sicily, which if you do the research people were black. I loved telling “him” that! Boy, did “he” get pissed off when I told “him” that the very people “he” didn’t like was in “his” blood and that it was “his” ancestors! Hilarious!!! Screw the bastard!! Funny, my mother didn’t seem to mind. In fact, the same sex toys “he” chased me around with and tried to scare me with were black! Did that mean “he” was using a “black” toy on my mother and yet, “he” was prejudice? Ironic? Yes. I think so! It was this type of behavior and role model that I had in my home growing up until I left at the ripe age of about 12 or 13. I decided that whatever fate had in store for me on the outside world was a much better chance than sticking around this “HELL HOLE””” called home!  I would just have to take my chances! Abusive situations, mind fucking, and emotional roller coasters…ups, and downs…I couldn’t keep up with it! I knew it was up to me to survive. Survive I did! I had gotten this far on my own….being out in the harsh environment in the middle of Winter with no clothes or coat….well, like I said, I’d would sooner take my chances then to stay another night at that Wack house, rotting from the inside out! I hated the feeling that I didn’t belong and was invisible until someone wanted something from me! I didnt have much incentive in that part of my life. I was alone, and depressed. I had few friends…I mean REAL friends. 

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From the beginning of time man and animal alike have been born with animal like instincts. They have been genetically bred into this machine…..to fight to stay alive…..this animal like instinct we call “SURVIVAL”

sur·viv·al

 noun, often attributive \sər-ˈvī-vəl\

: the state or fact of continuing to live or exist especially in spite of difficult conditions

: something from an earlier period that still exists or is done

Full Definition of SURVIVAL

1

a :  the act or fact of living or continuing longer than another person or thing

 

b :  the continuation of life or existence <problems of survivalin arctic conditions>

2
:  one that survives
 
“Before you give up, think about the reasons that you held onto for so long.”
 
I wrote a poem for survivors awhile back, my brother-in- law gave me a little black binder that had a strap on it..perfect for my poems when they come to me. I can be awaken in the middle of the night and feel compelled to write poems or blog….I have it here for you…I read it to some people and the impact was more then I expected. It brought my husband to tears. I had no clue until that moment just what an impact I had on people and how my story affected others lives, in giving them hope, and encouragement…by sharing in my story and pain it helps to bring the reality that we are not alone in this fight! 
 
SURVIVOR


Like a message in a bottle

the sands of time dont sway

just as the innocent by stander

is much like a DOMESTIC VIOLENCE VICTIM

and the heavy price thats paid

SURVIVE.

Isolation, loneliness and fear fed

into the raging demons that plague our lives even in dreamscaped heads

SURVIVE.

Fear that consumes us and our

thoughts weigh heavily on our grief stricken hearts

for the fear of rejection and this being our one last shot.

SURVIVE.

The fierce fire that burned within

snuffed out by abuse over so many years

constant reminders of words like sharp pointed daggers

thrust into our heads.

SURVIVED.

Rejected by love, affected by pain covered disgracefully on bodies

in greys, blues, and greens, all done in vain.

SURVIVED.

Promises unkept and rules all broken

bidding goodbye to a normal life, trapped into another world unspoken.

SURVIVED.

The only touch was pain

regrets with no gain

living a secret life of nothing but shame.

SURVIVED.

Courage to us for seeking the light

For bright futures and doing whats right

SURVIVED.

We will not back down and say its ok

For you were in the wrong, its you fault, you pay!

SURVIVOR.

You took it all you ruined our life

Like sharp blades of glass Karma cuts deep like a knife

SURVIVOR.

We’ve reclaimed our worth, sold disgrace and rejection

It’s not our disease, its your infection

SURVIVOR.

We are free from your bonds, no more burdens to carry

Hang on tight to life, its gonna get scary

SURVIVOR.

Loneliness and Shame will follow you to the end

I wish on you pain, sorrow,and isolation with no friends!

SURVIVOR.

Moving on straight ahead

leaving that circle

Surviving the death of my soul being reborn to another…… enough said!

SURVIVED.

Freedom to choose, to lead on my own

to stand on two feet and do it alone

I left it all behind never to look back

Now I can say my lifes on track!

IM A SURVIVOR!


 

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Survival is NOT how you end an experience, but how you live through an experience.
It means not being a victim of circumstance, but taking hold of the experience, the circumstance, and turning it into an achievement!”
 
 
Don’t let others in your life influence you to be, do, or become that which you despise most. You have made it this far. You were born to survive and have been a survivor from the moment you took your first breath! Search deep within yourself and you will find that you have possessed the strength and courage to do what you need to do! You have gotten this far, and its been a fight, but in the end its worth every step, every tear and the reward is your freedom! Sometimes we need a little reminder that you still have it in you!
 
“You can take the dog out of the fight, but you cant take the fight out of the dog!”
Be that dog…use your animal instincts to fight and survive! 
 
“Change is difficult, but often is essential to survival!”
 
Peace & Love to you all….May your life be filled with balance & harmony, and may your troubled souls find calmed waters and seas! Blessings to you on this journey, and may you ALWAYS know…..you are NEVER alone! 
 

Mothers of Sexually abused Children

Victims come in all shapes and sizes. No two stories alike. There is hope and people out there to help you. If you or someone you know needs help or are looking for answers…please dont hesitate. Your a great person, dont ever think or let anyone else make you think different. Your loved…and you deserve so much more. Let your voice be heard…come to a healing place and start your journey where you can mend those open wounds and turn them into nothing but a scar and a story. Remember, you are loved


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Time for you Too

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“Can you tell me the time?” …..”Do you have the time?” …..”We gotta hurry we’re late!!”…..” I dont have the time for this!!”

” The doctor is running a little behind today.”………”Your behind the times.” ………”What time are we supposed to be there?”……….” “How much time do you have?”

All questions that seem to hit home to at least one us. Caught up in the daily grind that most of us dont take the “TIME”  to stop and relax for minute. Life has become a rush of things. Forgetting the important things, and it flies by without notice. We have become yet, inevitably addicted to a fast paced life style without giving it a second thought. Why is that do you suppose? We see it every day….dont deny it. I think that what hits home for me, is that the things that matter get so easily forgotten. The important things. We dont stop long enough to notice that smile from someone special. Or, long enough to give, or feel, and enjoy that much needed hug! To listen to the ever important day from a 5 yr old telling it through his or her eyes. Maybe to sing along to the child’s favorite song and tell them what a wonderful voice they have!  To tell your teenager for no reason that your proud of him or her!  To take  a moment and include a little note saying “I LOVE YOU!” in a loved ones lunch box?? Do you stop long enough to say to the person in your life that matters so much …that you ” Truly Love them?” Its not that most of us have stopped long enough to see how selfish we to have become.

Or, to particularly admit that we maybe dont care. Often, we turn the other cheek to others needs and sometimes even forget our own. The truth hurts doesnt it? I know for me it does! The age of technology is rapidly increasing and now you can almost look any where and see that even a homeless person may have a device (though maybe not his or hers). I have noticed that parents have been so engulfed into their Ipads or iphones that the needs or desires of the child or family often times gets prolonged or ignored. Now, we all at some point are guilty of this. Myself included.

Video games….they seem to be a top offender!!! Notably, I have witnessed their power and attention spans go out the window when one is in play or use! The roof could be caving in, and mass destruction going on outside….but low and behold to finish level 28 is a must and nothing can keep that person from it!!! Death be to those that interfere with the video gamers….just a warning!!! lol

Its hard for me to understand the video game concept. –sitting for countless hours on your ass to play a unrealistic game and fight villains. No judging here, I just dont understand it. Personally, I think its time wasted, when life is going on, and passing you by, minute by minute.Time.…that you can not get back. However, if you agree about the video games…..isnt phones or Ipads just about the same? Still on them….countless hours of searching, shopping, or internet porn?

My point being;

Its all time that we are loosing. Isnt time precious enough without adding into the mix of things these devices that run our lives??? I think that its great that we have the tools to enhance our minds. I am using a computer right now. However, its to help you and myself for realistic purposes and to heal and grow. Im not here, day after day for hours at a time…watching my ass grow! (although, technically it is…gotta do something about that!) Maybe I see things differently then others. Maybe I notice things that others dont see. Maybe its that others notice but “CHOOSE” not to openly admit they see it as well. I AM, and ALWAYS HAVE BEEN,the type of person that “says it how she sees it person! ”  We are getting so enveloped in the things that seem to make our lives easier but to what cost? Who’s the suffering ones here? Sure we may becoming a more advanced race but the child is the one thats not quite there yet.

Now dont get me wrong. Im not saying its ALLLLLLLL technology’s fault. No. What im trying to say is that there are already enough things in this world that lets us forget time and its essence without going and adding technology into the mix of things.  From a childs perspective (I was one once) you need that attention. You need someone to listen to you, to make you feel as though you are important! Not a tv, or video game for a babysitter. The outside world is growing and changing. our parks, and nature is at our doors. They to, are changing everyday. Its harder and harder to explore these things and one day at the rate things are happening these too might forever be lost to us. To our children.  becoming nothing more than a book with mere pictures or stories that we tell. For me, thats NOT what I want. Whens the last time that you took the “TIME” to explore with your child? Or, the last time you went for a drive with your lover? Even, the last time you packed enough food for a picnic, even  if it is only in the backyard? Built a tent out of sheets or blankets and camped out and spent a few hours with your family? Turned the tv off and said to the family…or friends…” Come on, lets go find something to do outside and explore…lets go on an adventure?” More importantly….whens the last time that you …took time for you???

From a victims point of view, time ceases to exists and in most cases seems to stop or slow to a crawl. Often times, we sought out the attention we so desperately needed but nobody seemed to have the time or took it to listen to us. If someone might have taken the time, its quite possible I may not be here now writing to you about my life and views. However, for victims its not all the same. Some victims are still stuck in time. Unable to let go and heal. To recover from their past time.Which brings me to remind you all and those dearly loved victims out there…….grasp time. Never let it go! Enjoy it, live it, heal, help others, move on, love it, and those that share in it with you! Embrace time,dont loose it or be lost to it!  We overlook time and take it for granted. Its precious. A hot commodity. Can change at any given moment. Take a moment…listen to the world around you. Do you hear the world hustling and bustling outside your door? How important is “TIME” to you? What do you make of it? You cant change it, you cant get it back. You can however, enjoy what you have left, and what time is to come to pass. Its a gift, an invaluable treasure. Use it wisely.

Its never promised.


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Time

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Time is of the essence;

but mainly made of dust.

Here one minute, gone the next;

and yet, seems to be a must.

Whether it be minutes, hours, or even days;

Time is up to you, it can be viewed many different ways.

It gets lost, or away, but to some never really matters much;

Time is of the essence,

Mainly not for all of us!!!

G. Parkhurst