First Steps

Exploring the world through caring thoughts, the freedoms of guilt free emotions, and looking at the world through the eyes of someone elses perspective seeking to enhance and set free your soul by opening your heart and mind


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The GOOD,the BAD, and … The INVISABLE

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” Your to young. ” Your to young to have any issues or problems.” Your way to young to feel like this.”

If your like me, many more times you care to count, you have been shoved to the back burner and ignored. Many different Dr trips, $$$,  and lets not forget the years of feeling like a guinea pig or lab rat! The slew of tests that you have undergone only to be labelled to have the dreaded silent disease….Fibromyalgia!

Its that wonderful silent disease that at first I shrugged it off, in much denial that there was no way that I could have that. I thought it was stupid, and the Dr ignorant for labelling me as such. I honestly thought 10 years ago that I needed a second opinion, then a finally admitted to it with haste, on my 3rd and final attempt to figure out what the hell was going on with me.cant remeberMost days I really thought that I wanted to die from exhaustion and just was desperate to get some from of relief. That came after I sought out a pain specialist, but I soon learned that nobody really knew anything and I was on my own. I felt isolated, abandoned by my PEERS, and Dr’s, and wanted to just give up and throw in the towel.

Since my first diagnosis 10 years ago (which I go by the last one really 8 yrs) I have learned more about myself in this last year alone then with any Dr help. I decided to research on my own, trial and error of course, and I also used Homeopathic treatments at home! I changed my diet, and reminded myself, that even if I didn’t feel well today, tomorrow was another day and I would try again then.

Weather plays a huge role in my health, as does activity, and over excursion. I really have to use a cane some days, and park in the handicap with my placard when I need to. Some days, when the fatigue hits so hard and I’m loosing that battle, I cant do much, sometimes not even dress. Thank God for my loving husband, he helps when I break down and ask for help. I really do try to be self sufficient and not bother many people.

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However, sometimes, I just want to scream and tell people to “STOP judging me, and accept me for who I am!!!”  Or, “just let me not be fake today to spare YOUR feelings”……”I’m sorry it makes YOU uncomfortable that I hurt!!! ” Geesh! The big one for me is….” You look good today….yeah, um, that doesn’t mean I’m cured!!!!” or….” I don’t understand how one day you can deal with it, and the next your down.” Another….” How is it that your fine then boom your down…makes me wonder” All cruel in my book. As if we …..the carriers and victims of this horrible disease….. “CHOOSE” when and where it will strike or how badly. AS if “WE” are lying and playing some sort of sick twisted game to gain attention.

There is so much pressure already mounted there for most of us with debilitating diseases. Our days are so much different than that of most. In some cases, (speaking for myself) I have had to cancel plans or not make any because I have went from Good, Bad, ….to……OMG WHAT THE HELL????? and honestly that can be 2 minutes later and I’m down.

I get stressed out easier due to the pain. Its overwhelming at times, and it sucks to be stuck in your head a lot and not have a way out!!! Brain fog is another for me…..I am an intelligent woman. However, now I question myself. I forget what I was going from one room to the next to retrieve, or memory issues. The compilation of sleepless nights, and fatigued days get strung together sometimes and I forget to be strong and pull it together…..hey, we are only human right. Some days, a heater blanket, another blanket, sweats and heavy socks still don’t help.

Not sure about anyone else out there, but now I’m loosing my hair. The top is becoming rather thin, eyebrows little to now…have to pencil them in, and I have noticed changes in my facial structure. My tummy is sensitive, my sleep is completely  hacked and inconsistent. So much going on, and I hate the fact that I have NO CONTROL over it. It is a creeper……it sneaks up on you without warning like a tiger to its prey and pounces on you out of nowhere!!!! It takes you down quickly and there is no use in fighting, it only makes it worse. Some days, I admit, I succumb to its evil thirst to ruin my life!!! I have learned NOT to feel ashamed or bad for who I am and what’s happening to me. Its not my fault, I have no control. I just decided to take it one day at a time!!!

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   Its become a humbling experience to not be able to use my hands sometimes, not being able to open a cereal box for my grandkids, or a can with an opening, last night, not even a wrapper. Small things I guess we all take for granted. Its also been humbling for me to look at the broader picture…..The way I see it, EVERYONE is dealing with something. I’m not asking for special treatment. I am aware there are worse off people in this world. I guess what I’m saying is…..I know that there are more like me out there. We are NOT alone. Some day we hope to have a cure for this disease and hope that more support groups, and education for this will come around. Its hard enough to have this going on….and in most cases, its not just Fibro that we are dealing with, it is compiled with other issues that can make it worse and drive you to the brink of madness!!!

I ask that you look into it, research it. More and more people are being diagnosed with this nasty thing but there is limited education, experience, and / or knowledge pertaining to the in’s and out’s of the HOW To’s. I am asking that the next time you see a person struggling, stop and ask if they need help, assist them, don’t judge someone for using a handicap that you cant see….that person just may be me. Show your support, show your love for your fellow Fibro’s out there and together we can start to make a difference in the cure so we can live the lives we were ALWAYS meant to be living!!!!

Something Purple fibromyalgia awareness dayLet me see your Purple shine!!!

For all of the Fibro’s out there, and ANYONE who is suffering silently, I wish for you comfort, and relief. I wish that your body and spirit stay strong and that you take comfort in knowing that your not alone out there. Take comfort in knowing that they are trying to bring in more Dr’s, more education nationwide. Take comfort in knowing that you are the boss and ruler of you and your body today and always!!! Advocate for yourself, nobody else will! Take a stand, be strong, and take all the time you need!! Don’t feel foolish doing research and trying new things. If something works for you, listen to your body….you know best…after all it IS YOUR body!!! I hope this helps, I know that today I was having a hard time, but I thought about it, and wanted to bring comfort nd encouragement to those that might not be having a great day either!

Fly high butterflies……fly high!!!

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The Stresses of a Womans World

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As a child growing up, I can remember holidays coming and going. The women in the kitchen while the men sat quietly awaiting their feast as the women cackled and talked in the kitchen slaving away. The men’s stomachs rumbling and the kids noisily played racing around the house and screaming at one another about politics or the current game on television.  I can recall the sweat on my grandmothers brow as she barked orders to my aunts and mother on the next much needed item or chore needing to be done.

Sometimes I recall those memories and I think to myself how incredible it was that these women had taken time in their busy schedules to make all this happen. My mother- a hard working woman that was a tom boy in her day until she passed, and could run a chainsaw better then most men, and never stopped working or took a break. She was always busy and believed that if there was light that there was no reason to waste time in a day, it meant “something” could be getting done and NOT to waste that opportunity.

My mother, much like my grandmothers seemed to NEVER take sick. If they were, they sucked it up and never let it get them down, or put on a show of helplessness to attract attention or gain sympathy from others. They kept trudging wearily along and finished their chores and finished their duties that were required of them. They took care of their families, husbands, their children too, then they made dinner and checked homework….cleaning up afterwards. NEVER  not once complaining about their jobs, or what was asked of them,  nor breaking down in tears or emotional distress in front of us at any time ( it was a secret or happened behind locked doors) or complaining they were to sick to “DO” anything.

They ALWAYS made time, even when it felt as though there wasn’t any…they made it happen!!

. woman illness

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I Lost Control

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Control.

One word, so powerful and can change the lives of the person that must have it! Its associated with many other words but, I would like to talk about this one, and the hold it has over many people………………….

(one brief account)

I woke up again. Sheets soaked, bed completely destroyed, and my pajamas glued to me. I look like I took a shower, but in bed. My heart pulsing, beating intensely out of my chest. Pupils dilated, and the real feelings of terror still freshly burned into my mind….as if it just happened again!! I had another night terror. I was shaken awake this time by my husband. He told me I was fighting in my sleep, and screaming. He tried to comfort me….and of course, I laid down a towel, nestled into his arms, and I cried myself asleep.  This wasn’t the first, nor would it be the last time. Its been almost 20 years now since my abusers have had physical contact like the ones in my nightmares.

I wonder…..does any of the abusers have night terrors? How do they sleep? Are they comfortable and sleep through the night undisturbed? Why is after allllll these years that my abusers have this same “control” over me? For the second part of my life I have been working on healing. Trying to regain the “control” I never had and feel like I’m the one dictating my life and its my story….why shouldn’t I be the one to have the control? Wrong. At least for me it was, and is. Once I relinquished this control….I somehow let my abusers (all of them) have it. Call it weakness…call it ignorance. Call it what you want.  Judge if you feel you have the right to…..but really, the fact is, I lost “control” over me and my body, and the power to say “no” It was of no use. I had been broken down, beaten, and battered both mentally and physically, and had crumpled. Letting go of my own dreams, goals, inhibitions  and aspirations in life. I no longer mattered..and was here to be nothing more then a muted slave, giving in to the dark twisted desires of others sick, demented, and pure enjoyment, at my expense of course.

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Its hard to see through the eyes of someones story, and feel their pain, unless you have lost that control in your life at one point. For me, it was refreshing to get some “control” back and be MY own ruler. I happily married and we raised our family, but I realized that even though I was now an adult, the “control” factor would present itself in ways I didn’t know, was just getting started. I had to have “control” over how my house was decorated. “Control” over when we had sex, (for obvious reasons, most victims do.) “Control” over what every one was doing around me… “Control” over my children and their lives,and even though it was partially parenting, it still was “control”. Some may have seen it as over protective parenting…but in fact, because they didn’t know my story, I’m calling it for what it was. Of course, my “control” was out of fear for them in most cases. I figured out that my home and the items in it were safe, and in my nest I had that “control”. I became obsessed with that, It meant so much to me that I became OCD. People joke about it, but when they understood why I was this way it became clear that the underlying reason was a shock to them. Its common to have someone with this disorder, due to the past of a victim, we tend to make up for it in other aspects of our lives. Sound familiar?  The loss of “control” leeched into my abilities of making decisions and my everyday life. It still does, and I hold that in and privately to myself for many different reasons. Its one of the many burdens I carry. again, its another form of “control”. It affected my sleep patterns and my judgements. I would sometimes regress and fall back into the shadows for fear of loosing “control” or not having “control” of the situation. I would reject going out, or public functions for fear of not having “control”, and I love to be social, lovepeople and having parties and gatherings…butHAVE TO maintain“control”.

Why were these abusers having this much “control” over me? I now know that its evident that we all process things differently and work through our issues and barriers at our own rate. nobody can tell you otherwise. Tell them to “F*&$ Off…if they do!! Was it possible that I would NEVER be free, NEVER to  have my own “control” again? I have talked to many others, coached, mentored, and researched this epidemic. It grasps hold tightly onto its victims, and its hard to get back of. For some, depending on the situation and circumstance, maybe it was presented as a “secret”. Others like myself…maybe put across as “nobody would believe you any ways” and ” your a liar…admit you were lying” or forced by threats as well to keep the silence. Isn’t it “control” that is the dominating factor here? Driving its predators and abusers for purposeful gain to a degree? What was it so important for these people to take mine and keep it for themselves. Was it greed? Sense of empowerment? The outcome doesn’t really matter to me….and I’m sure not you either. Getting it back is the IMPORTANT thing. Not to force it on others is also important, when making up for lost time and regaining it back. Its not others fault, nor, ANY fault of  your own. However, I have learned through helping others that the “control” factor isn’t always talked about or shared. Its merely brought up rather quickly and then passed over. I believe that if we focus on it, and give it back to the rightful owners, then the healing can begin, leaving our world a much happier place of Balance and Harmony,  especially, for all the victims out there!…. ❤  isn’t that the important thing here? The goal is to maintain it, to keep it, have a sense of it.

As a child,in my time. (I’m not that old…turning 40 in a few days) we were told to respect our elders and listen to what they said. Not to argue… do what you need to, keep your head down, and be quiet, kids were meant to be seen not heard, and sex education was just starting to come out, but not really discussed especially by your parents. Predators weren’t really talked about either, or the dangers of it and the various forms of  abuse. In fact, family secrets were still highly going on. There is still much I DON’T know about my own, probably wont either. I think now, with the times changing, and our youth and children being more educated, that the chance of abuse is going down, and the risk of loss of “control” going up with it. It still occurs, yes. The degree of which it does I believe, decreases  every time you educate and prepare a young child. Its never to late to teach them the importance of learning that its their right, their bodies, and they CAN and SHOULD  tell ANYONE that can help!!!! The MORE you tell the better the chances of getting that much needed HELP, and it could save a life and be a preventative. It also discourages the stalking predators and abusers out there!

 If you talk to people our age and older, there is  A LOT of victims out there our age, various from various kinds of abuse and it seems like it was the common thing to do for people back then as predators… to go and screw around and mess with someones kid…. by taking their  “control”!!  For centuries, taking over “control” and having power has been going on. Women not so much, but men….WOW…watch out! They HAD to have it. The MORE you had the better in stature you were!!!!….Lets not forget cavemen days….WOW..go into another tribe…take “control” over ANYTHING including women …BOOM….your the boss! Its every where and all around us since the beginning of time. Yet, it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. I’m not talking about money, or taking over a country. I’m talking about the personal “control” and to me,  far more important , psychical, mental, and mind “control“. Women didn’t have much say about anything at one point in our history. Recently, we have been given the right to choose about our own bodies and have the “say” on what we want  to do to it. Maybe others are finally realizing the importance that one should have “control” over themselves and its their right.

We cant change the things from our past and the wrongs that have been done, or to us. Letting them sit inside of you by harboring them, and not letting them out,…… and ….go…consumes you, and your life, not to mention, the lives of those around you. Its a pride thing with me I think. I still hurt and have my days…I feel lost and alone. However, I have turned fears into anger, about the lack of control and used it to my advantage. I now know that I DO in fact, have “control” over me and my life. I cant “control” my mind when it sleeps,but,I  have let go of reining over my adult children, and have finally started to see that by helping others to encourage them, to educate them, to show them they are not alone, that my “control” issues have started to disappear. It didn’t happen over night. I let the floors go unvacuumed for almost 2 whole weeks… let a few dishes pile in the sink, and the clothes sit in the basket crumpled without folding them or hanging them up……man, did that bug me out…..Maybe I am a bit competitive, I like to win. and thrive for challenges……BUT I’ll be damned, if my abusers and the ones that have hurt me in my life…breaking me down to put themselves up, breaking me, and making me a broken spirit are gonna win this fight. I wont waist another minute on them, and the unforgivable pain they caused, but rather turn it into a challenge of positivity and lead by example by  and moving towards a goal of enlightenment, spirituality, encouragement and support for others, peace and love, and harmony  and balance,……lastly and more importantly….CONTROL.

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Time for you Too

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“Can you tell me the time?” …..”Do you have the time?” …..”We gotta hurry we’re late!!”…..” I dont have the time for this!!”

” The doctor is running a little behind today.”………”Your behind the times.” ………”What time are we supposed to be there?”……….” “How much time do you have?”

All questions that seem to hit home to at least one us. Caught up in the daily grind that most of us dont take the “TIME”  to stop and relax for minute. Life has become a rush of things. Forgetting the important things, and it flies by without notice. We have become yet, inevitably addicted to a fast paced life style without giving it a second thought. Why is that do you suppose? We see it every day….dont deny it. I think that what hits home for me, is that the things that matter get so easily forgotten. The important things. We dont stop long enough to notice that smile from someone special. Or, long enough to give, or feel, and enjoy that much needed hug! To listen to the ever important day from a 5 yr old telling it through his or her eyes. Maybe to sing along to the child’s favorite song and tell them what a wonderful voice they have!  To tell your teenager for no reason that your proud of him or her!  To take  a moment and include a little note saying “I LOVE YOU!” in a loved ones lunch box?? Do you stop long enough to say to the person in your life that matters so much …that you ” Truly Love them?” Its not that most of us have stopped long enough to see how selfish we to have become.

Or, to particularly admit that we maybe dont care. Often, we turn the other cheek to others needs and sometimes even forget our own. The truth hurts doesnt it? I know for me it does! The age of technology is rapidly increasing and now you can almost look any where and see that even a homeless person may have a device (though maybe not his or hers). I have noticed that parents have been so engulfed into their Ipads or iphones that the needs or desires of the child or family often times gets prolonged or ignored. Now, we all at some point are guilty of this. Myself included.

Video games….they seem to be a top offender!!! Notably, I have witnessed their power and attention spans go out the window when one is in play or use! The roof could be caving in, and mass destruction going on outside….but low and behold to finish level 28 is a must and nothing can keep that person from it!!! Death be to those that interfere with the video gamers….just a warning!!! lol

Its hard for me to understand the video game concept. –sitting for countless hours on your ass to play a unrealistic game and fight villains. No judging here, I just dont understand it. Personally, I think its time wasted, when life is going on, and passing you by, minute by minute.Time.…that you can not get back. However, if you agree about the video games…..isnt phones or Ipads just about the same? Still on them….countless hours of searching, shopping, or internet porn?

My point being;

Its all time that we are loosing. Isnt time precious enough without adding into the mix of things these devices that run our lives??? I think that its great that we have the tools to enhance our minds. I am using a computer right now. However, its to help you and myself for realistic purposes and to heal and grow. Im not here, day after day for hours at a time…watching my ass grow! (although, technically it is…gotta do something about that!) Maybe I see things differently then others. Maybe I notice things that others dont see. Maybe its that others notice but “CHOOSE” not to openly admit they see it as well. I AM, and ALWAYS HAVE BEEN,the type of person that “says it how she sees it person! ”  We are getting so enveloped in the things that seem to make our lives easier but to what cost? Who’s the suffering ones here? Sure we may becoming a more advanced race but the child is the one thats not quite there yet.

Now dont get me wrong. Im not saying its ALLLLLLLL technology’s fault. No. What im trying to say is that there are already enough things in this world that lets us forget time and its essence without going and adding technology into the mix of things.  From a childs perspective (I was one once) you need that attention. You need someone to listen to you, to make you feel as though you are important! Not a tv, or video game for a babysitter. The outside world is growing and changing. our parks, and nature is at our doors. They to, are changing everyday. Its harder and harder to explore these things and one day at the rate things are happening these too might forever be lost to us. To our children.  becoming nothing more than a book with mere pictures or stories that we tell. For me, thats NOT what I want. Whens the last time that you took the “TIME” to explore with your child? Or, the last time you went for a drive with your lover? Even, the last time you packed enough food for a picnic, even  if it is only in the backyard? Built a tent out of sheets or blankets and camped out and spent a few hours with your family? Turned the tv off and said to the family…or friends…” Come on, lets go find something to do outside and explore…lets go on an adventure?” More importantly….whens the last time that you …took time for you???

From a victims point of view, time ceases to exists and in most cases seems to stop or slow to a crawl. Often times, we sought out the attention we so desperately needed but nobody seemed to have the time or took it to listen to us. If someone might have taken the time, its quite possible I may not be here now writing to you about my life and views. However, for victims its not all the same. Some victims are still stuck in time. Unable to let go and heal. To recover from their past time.Which brings me to remind you all and those dearly loved victims out there…….grasp time. Never let it go! Enjoy it, live it, heal, help others, move on, love it, and those that share in it with you! Embrace time,dont loose it or be lost to it!  We overlook time and take it for granted. Its precious. A hot commodity. Can change at any given moment. Take a moment…listen to the world around you. Do you hear the world hustling and bustling outside your door? How important is “TIME” to you? What do you make of it? You cant change it, you cant get it back. You can however, enjoy what you have left, and what time is to come to pass. Its a gift, an invaluable treasure. Use it wisely.

Its never promised.


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Time

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Time is of the essence;

but mainly made of dust.

Here one minute, gone the next;

and yet, seems to be a must.

Whether it be minutes, hours, or even days;

Time is up to you, it can be viewed many different ways.

It gets lost, or away, but to some never really matters much;

Time is of the essence,

Mainly not for all of us!!!

G. Parkhurst


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Lights, Camera, Action!!!!!

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If I were to show up at your door? Would you invite me in? Would you hesitate? Would you act like yourself when Im in your home? Or would you pretend that your life and everyone in it were “normal” with no problems?

Thats the question I find myself asking these days. It seems as though most of us go through our lives on “Auto Pilot”

 When someone asks you –   ” How are you today’?  Do you really think they care or want to know? I think not….but ….again, would you really tell them if they did?

Or, would you “act” like your life is just “peachy” and continue about your day not giving it another thought? Do people in fact ” REALLY”…..I mean “REALLY” care?  How many times, have you yourself been in a hurry, ordered that coffee or went into a store to purchase something and some one kindly asks….” What are you up to today?”  Would you honestly answer? Do you? Is it any of their business? Your in to much of a rush to care, and quite frankly, its taking your precious time and keeping you from what you wanna do!!!!           Which brings me to my next segment:

Let me paint a picture for you.

A young child comes to you, or someone you know and tells you that he/ she is being molested. Home life isnt great, mothers beating her, step brothers picking on her and beating her up, and  she’s terrified and alone. She has tried to get your attention but to no avail has it worked. She’s went to school counselors and told and you seem to be the last person she has the energy to try to tell.  What do you do?

Lets do this….- Police come. Their are knocking on your door.  You answer. They come in. They tell you all about the notice they got from the school and they are there to check things out.  Do you play “Happy Family”?

 Do you pretend as if nothings wrong or amiss. Or do you “tell the police about this poor girl…lost and alone? Do you help her and save her. Or, do you turn a blind eye? “

In society today were are often on “Auto Pilot” not getting involved in those things that dont concern us, but rather turning a blind eye instead of trying  to stand up for the things in which we believe to be right or wrong. We have let our voices fade and not be recognized, and allowed many innocent bystanders to suffer great consequences. We have turned into a society that doesnt take accountability for ourselves but rather, blames it on others and despite the fact it IS our fault in doing so, we leave the victims out in the world still helpless and alone and  without a voice to STILL remain victims. Dont pretend that your ok. Stop playing the blame game. Speak up!  If someones nosy, let them know its not their business. To many people are getting involved and theirs just to many captains at the wheel out there, and not enough deck hands. Society had transformed into our MOTHER telling us whats right or wrong…when to step in…when not…if its ok to spank or discipline our children and how…. whats in style, whats not, if your to fat, and what size you should be…..and lastly…sex in the media….(then  everyone wonders why sex is so prominent these days Jesus…take a good look around you!!!) but when it counts…victims are forgotten. Lost in the midst of things. The things that REALLY matter.  Dont turn your back on someone when it counts. Dont be afraid to stand up for that which you believe in. Its your GOD given right to fight for it. As a child, your rights dont exist, you rely on those of the people that you trust to provide them for you. You rely on their safety, love, and encouragement. Its easy to say ” Well, Im not getting involved in that….it’s not my problem.” But……isnt it? At that point you are just as much to blame. Dont pretend. Lifes not a movie in progress…your not an actor. Give the victims you see out there a fighting chance. Help them to have their voices heard. Be their guide to finding it if you cant do it for them….but dont pretend that they and their troubles dont exist.

Ask yourself………What if it were you?

Life has a funny way of dealing out Karma………..one day………….it could very well be.

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Its up to you to choose …. YOU HAVE # CHOICES AS A VICTIM
you can let it define you, and let it destroy you;
You can let it control you, and focus on it;
YOU can Learn from it, and let it STRENGTHEN YOU!!!!
No matter the choice, they all have one thing in common….YOU!!!!
Make YOUR CHOICE….DONT let “IT” Make YOU!!!!!!