First Steps

Exploring the world through caring thoughts, the freedoms of guilt free emotions, and looking at the world through the eyes of someone elses perspective seeking to enhance and set free your soul by opening your heart and mind


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Jewels on a necklace

Jewels on a necklace
cut differently, you and I
all attached one way or another on a strand,
in life just touching one another briefly,
as we stroll through our lives journeys individually.
– G.Parkhurst

Thought for the day…….
Where does brilliance come from?
The body, or mind?
Heart or soul?
In which direction does it flow?
Lastly, just how bright do you shine to others?

 

It has been some months now that I have unplugged, and for good reason. It has been a bumpy ride, and I have found myself doing more soul searching. These last few months have left me in more emotional anguish, jobless, and in pain then I care to share. However, it has taught me one thing, that being that we are ALL invaluable. Some of us have never tasted the feelings of self worthlessness, some have. In any case, I have to say that no matter who you are, what background you came from, there IS purpose. What that purpose is, Im not entirely sure. Thats what your own journey decides in life. That will be another day. To be honest, I wasnt sure just how many people I have touched, and often wondered, should I stop blogging or sharing all together?? With that said, I will continue to share my thoughts on life, abuse, and emotional baggage as I have done in the past. I will also gladly continue posting my pictures everytime I blog just to  keep you all in high spirits. If you choose not to read my posts Im ok with that…..however, you may find yourself one day thinking back on something that I’ve shared that may have touched you in one way or another…..at least, thats what Im aiming for! Im not looking to become famous, or rich….just to be honest, and share in life journeys what may help someone, somewhere along the line in how to be more loving, positive, and cope more productively instead of just being numb and self destructing or simply on auto pilot going through life feeling no purpose. Im here, always have been…your not alone…never will be. You are loved….and you will always have a friend in me.

I wish for you during this time of seasonal change, the harvesting of a new spirit. Inner sanctum and peace, a place in your soul that you may tap into to get comfortable within your skin, and reclaim you and your life. Health and prosperity, love, and a kindred heart. Live life everyday with no regrets and love entirely, never give up, and dont hold back. Explore your mind, spirit, and soul with all you have….learn to put yourself first.

Until next blogcast…..Be well my lovelies….be well!

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Clowns Cry Too

Clowns wear a face that”s painted intentionally on them so they 

appear to be happy or sad. what kind of mask are you wearing today?      

—- Anonymous

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Clowns Cry to.  I wonder why that is.  They are under paid and underrated I believe.  Its truly amazing how they can put on a show, forgetting their own lives, to  bring joy and happiness to others that need it. They are laughed at, mocked, and people snort and point at them behind their backs.  They are painted comedians.  What I find most interesting is that in almost all cases the clown or comedian has come from some form of tragedy.  Laughter heals they say.  I would like to meet the person responsible for this “so called” saying and ask him/her personally what makes him/her the expert on that.  So much pressure is put onto the person that is the abused or the victim.  We are expected to go through life pretending that nothing has happened or is wrong.  We are forced to set aside our own feelings, never dealing with them, and suck it up and move on.

“The mind is but a mystical dark circus;

we are nothing but a clown playing along to life’s theater.

Our faces delicately brimming with giggles;

painted in bright colors,

As we hide from the world…..

showing them only what they truly want to see.” 

— G. Parkhurst

There is much pain, sorrow, and sadness in most of us, as we trot along in life.  In most cases people are so oblivious they don”t even see.  In fact, is it that they don”t see…or wanna see?  Could they handle it?  Its a hard luck life,…….. no, a hard luck story.  No clown or comedian asks you to feel sorry for them. Just that you take time to understand them. To respect them and all the hurt that comes along with them.  Most often times, we are not seen or heard.  We dress to impress and put on our happy face, pushing aside those things that haunt us.

” I remain in the dark.

My face misrepresented by this circus of life, tormented by my emotions and memories.

My mind constantly working, never allowing silence or peace.

I fear the silence, it shreds my soul a bit at a time, never leaving me 

to stop entertaining the idea that I MUST continue to hide behind a mask.

For behind this mask of characters, nobody can see what truly pains me.

My heart is lost to the enchantment of each mask, intricately made, just for me, that I must put on and wear.

Im caught up in confusion, cleverly disguised as being a normal person.”

— G. Parkhurst

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I’ve heard people often remark that they are scared of clowns. Some petrified. Why you ask? Could it be that those very same people are in tune with their surroundings? Im not saying pedophile here….Im saying that possibly they see past the paint and all the make-up. Their intuitions prove that they see that there is so much more beneath the surface. What is it that they are hiding? What really is going on in their souls and minds? Could it be they see the pain, trauma, horror, abuse…or even evilness? Kinda scary to me.

The bottom line is that the next time you find yourself judging someone…look at them a little deeper with more understanding and compassion. Dont expect them to pick up…dust right off..move on…forget and forgive. It should be on our time, not yours. Try to get past the clown and see the person. Try to be understanding and get to know them. Listen to their stories and what they are really trying to tell you without speaking.

They are my heroes….and I there sister or brother. We are family. We share a commonality. We have a unwritten or unspoken bond,

I respect them and their jobs, they do it so well, and I like them, and so many others out there, who bring joy to others where there is sadness. Its a heavy burden to carry. However, when I put my mask on..its easier to focus my energy on your pain and sadness…then to face my inner demons and fears, i would rather forget about mine, to help you let go of yours! We touch peoples lives every day and forget about our own…casting it to the wayside. SO much so…..that we get lost in ourselves…some struggling to get out…others content in still wearing the masks…it no longer is just a mask…but has become and always will be part of who and what they truly are…….lost forever…what we wanna be…and wanna do…or ever wanna feel.

What mask are you wearing today?

I wish for you today a sense of inner peace and healing. Truly that you know that you are not alone and that no matter what mask you choose…..I love you for who you are, not which one you choose to wear. Dont fear the mask…embrace it and let it surround you and keep you. In it, you feel a sense of safety. Its ok. I wont and dont judge you. When you are ready, I and others like me will be here for you to help you, guide you, encourage you, and we will ALWAYS love and support you! Safe journeys today for your inner spirit…let your mind wander freely today, reflecting on which masks can be thrown out and which ones you still need.

Until next time my fellow clowns…..live to laugh another day, shed a tear , and always keep smiling!  ❤


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Silence On A Moutaintop

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No one can hear you scream

high up on a mountain top

Left alone for the wind to swiftly

carry your worries and thoughts off

It takes your breathe away with

the sounds of birds and the breeze

blowing freely swaying through the trees

The sun kissing your skin

melting into it as it comes so alive with warmth

giving generosity and showering me with its natural powers and charm

Staring straight into the heart and soul

of its timeless beauty

and surrounded by its drawing forces through my minds eye

It sweeps me away, cleansing my inner fears taking with it my inhibitions

making me feel things I have buried so deep

I become enveloped, entranced by its wondrous nature

grounded by its strength

All time is forgotten and lost becoming non- existent

I become one and am reminded just how

peaceful and splendid life can be

for up on a mountain top……

Nobody can hear or see me!

— G. Parkhurst

Photo — G. Parkhurst

Taken Leavenworth   March 2014


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Lifes Adventure Treasure

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Galleries of rocks on this dried out old dirt filled road

tires turning as we slow to a crawl

stopping to breathe in the beauty

that surrounds us and envelopes our senses

mountains fade into the shadowed hills

as daylight turns to dusk

shades of lush greens meet the skyline

kissing skies of blue

grand heights of rolling hills and deep valleys watching over them

with loving care

roads are like dirt maps that litter the country’s hillside

forming mazes of past last adventures taken

lakes are seen as tiny dots brimming with hues

of blues reflecting the skies as the

sun glistens sotly dancing together bidding us adieu

rivers flow so mystically in hidden spaces

like lost priceless treasures

running freely and with spirit  in untouched places

take the path high or low

for in our adventures

doesnt matter where you go…….just go!

— Written on Miners Ridge Summer 2013

–G. Parkhurst

Photo- G. Parkhurst

Mt. Rainer @ dusk


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Broken Sparrow……………

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I am only a sparrow among-st a great flock of sparrows.

Evita Peron

If the wings of a bird are clipped it cant fly;

It will never be free to just be, its insides just rot and die.

Never to explore the world and all its glories;

to enjoy the skies, and share its stories.

It may always stay connected to the grounds below;

often trailing its own shadows simply to say “hello”.

Great adventures lie in the vast great beyond;

but this small creature doesn’t feel strong, like it belongs.

It cowers,and it whimpers, chirping its fears;

a language often spoken in different words which no one hears.

It carries with it burdens others simply can not imagine;

harboring its thoughts and emotions, locked secretly away in a far off forest in a rustic old forgotten cabin.

Its wings will heal in splendid grandeur;

it takes much love, time, and lots of candor.

For it must travel to far off places without fear or reservation;

the only thing that matters to this tiny creature is utmost self-preservation!

– G. Parkhurst 

” Never let your world become to small.”    – Shane Skusek

If the wings of a bird are clipped, it cant fly. This we know. It will never be free to explore the world and to enjoy the skies, or have most the freedoms that other creatures like it do. It will be grounded……connected to the Earth, never knowing what adventures lie out there in the vast great beyond.

What if you could somehow mend that broken wing?  What if you took it in, nourished it, harbored it, and gave it purpose again?  What if you helped it to become strong, resilient, to grow and encouraged it to overcome all obstacles in the foreseeable future?  Is it possible? You bet!

Do you think that once freed that this tiny creature would return unscathed?  If it returned at all?  What if the wings of the bird weren’t clipped but broken all together? Or, what if that very same bird….never had wings at all…it never knew any different?  Would it be unsure on how to fly?  Would it even try?  Would you give it confidence and teach or train it to overcome its fears?

The bird seems weak, frightened….and unsure. Without you and your knowledge on how to be prepared….it could quite possibly die. DO you show it compassion and speak its language?  Showing it mercy and love.  You have taken it in, accepted it for being different…and it you.  You posses the willingness to try and help another living being.  Its difficult no doubt in the beginning, but over time, it becomes second nature to both you and this living thing.  What if I were to tell you that for some…..with abusive backgrounds….or trauma, we are that Sparrow?  We are that living thing…that creature that’s so afraid.  Some may have had their wings broken and some never knew that they could even fly.  What if that being…..is you?

The world in its entirety is ever changing.  And we with it. A good friend …..my best friend said to me once….”Never let your world become to small Gwen.”  He is a smart man.  He never sustained any trauma or abuse that I know of.  Yet, he is so compassionate about the things that he couldn’t possibly understand.  His willingness to learn about my past and to understand it when I talk is impeccable.  He never judges me or criticizes.  Just listens and asks frequent questions.

Is he right?

I think that this reaches far more then abuse.  We teach our children for example that they should be proud of who and what they are. Yet, we ourselves look and want to be more.  Is this ok?  Im not sure.  I know this much.  Early on in life, we adapt.  We all adapt to change and over time accept it.  We give in to it.  Im not saying change is always good nor bad.  Just that we do it.  For example, if you were to take a picture of yourself as  child, the again as  teenager, college, wedding day, middle age…ect..ect. you would see that you have changed and adapted.  Some people I think do it out of feeling forced and others go along with it….some never at all…yet stuck in time. The world is full of possibilities and constantly ever growing. In it…we are with it.  We must keep an open mind. Never falling into the close minded thoughts or segregation of Victims, Abuse, and Violence.  Rather, carrying with us the desires to explore life, ourselves and to constantly change and grow with it. If you never try how will you know. Its ok to fail as I have stated before in previous blogs. If you never give yourself of someone you know that chance to be something great……you are breaking their wings and keeping them grounded.

First things first. Be content with you. Without being a victim, you couldn’t make it into Survival. Accept you for who you are. Its amazing and great that you want more out of life…we all do. What Im saying is that you need to make EVERY day count.  Im not a religious person….but there is a prayer that rings true for many people from ALL walks of life.

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Today’s personal lesson comes from the heart……bare in mind those out there that may be Sparrows….they may be grounded and lost. To afraid to fly for fear of falling.  Encourage them to live life, heal, grow, move on….and to fly free from those things that cause them to live in pain.

If you are fortunate enough to never have been in this position….then live life as you were intended…carefree…..and to the fullest. Make each moment count…like its your last!  Dont become grounded and fearful….instead be fearless…and remain adventurous and courageous!  Let these traits seep out of you and leech into others lives. NEVER LET YOUR WORLD BECOME TO SMALL!!!

Now go fly free my little Sparrow friends…..free to grow, change, live happily, and flourish into the creature you were intended on being!

I wish for you, pure happiness and joy. I wish that you find yourself, and grow inside to spread your wings and fly…..taking on new heights in life and becoming the adventurous kindred spirit….wild and free that your past has prevented you from becoming! I wish for you health, wealth…and personal gain…that you may be successful in your journey and wherever life may take you! You and you alone can embrace the necessary tools to use to your advantage and sing the song that your inner Sparrow sings!

Until next time…..be free…fly well, my little Sparrow! ❤


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Empty Heart & Broken Bottles

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emp·ty
ˈem(p)tē/
adjective
  1. containing nothing; not filled or occupied.
    “he took his empty coffee cup back to the counter”

    vacant
    unoccupieduninhabited, untenanted,baredesolatedesertedabandonedMore
“his answer sounded a little empty”
(of words or a gesture) lacking meaning or sincerity.
remove all the contents of (a container).
“we empty the cash register each night at closing time”

unload
unpackvoid;

The modern disease theory of alcoholism states that problem drinking is sometimes caused by a disease of the brain, characterized by altered brain structure and function. The American Medical Association (AMA) had declared that alcoholism was an illness in 1956. In 1991, The AMA further endorsed the dual classification of alcoholism by the International Classification of Diseases under both psychiatric and medical sections.

Alcoholism is a chronic problem. However, if managed properly, damage to the brain can be stopped and to some extent reversed.  In addition to problem drinking, the disease is characterized by symptoms including an impaired control over alcohol, compulsive thoughts about alcohol, and distorted thinking. Alcoholism can also lead indirectly, through excess consumption, to physical dependence on alcohol, and diseases such as cirrhosis of the liver.

The risk of developing alcoholism depends on many factors, such as environment. Those with a family history of alcoholism are more likely to develop it themselves; however, many individuals have developed alcoholism without a family history of the disease.[citation needed] Since the consumption of alcohol is necessary to develop alcoholism, the availability of and attitudes towards alcohol in an individual’s environment affect their likelihood of developing the disease. Current evidence indicates that in both men and women, alcoholism is 50–60% genetically determined, leaving 40-50% for environmental influences. – Wikipedia

Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.

“In 1976, the writer Ivan Illich warned in the book, Limits to Medicine, that ‘the medical establishment has become a major threat to health’. At the time, he was dismissed as a maverick, but a quarter of a century later, even the medical establishment is prepared to admit that he may well be right. (Anthony Browne, April 14, 2002, the Observer)”

History and science have shown us that the existence of the disease of alcoholism is pure speculation. Just saying alcoholism is a disease, doesn’t make it true. Nevertheless, medical professionals and American culture enthusiastically embraced the disease concept and quickly applied it to every possible behavior from alcohol abuse to compulsive lecturing and nail biting. The disease concept was a panacea for many failing medical institutions and pharmaceutical companies, adding billions of dollars to the industry and leading to a prompt evolution of pop-psychology. Research has shown that alcoholism is a choice, not a disease, and stripping alcohol abusers of their choice, by applying the disease concept, is a threat to the health of the individual.

The disease concept oozes into every crevice of our society perpetuating harmful misinformation that hurts the very people it was intended to help. Remarkably, the assumptions of a few were accepted as fact by the medical profession, devoid of any scientific study or supporting evidence. And soon after, the disease concept was accepted by the general public. With this said, visiting the history of the disease concept gives us all a better understanding of how and why all of this happened. – Bladwin Research Institute

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The great danger for family life, in the midst of any society whose idols are pleasure, comfort and independence, lies in the fact that people close their hearts and become selfish.

(one brief account)

The phone rang. it wouldn’t stop! I could hear her voice again.No doubt she was totally inebriated and drunk off her ass! I was nervously biting my fingernails. I didn’t wanna pick up. Why was she calling me again? What did I do this time? What could or would I be blamed for? How come almost every damn time she drank I was the punching bag and tons of shit went wrong? Was I really to blame? I could somehow always see it coming…her wrath…the force that came with it..so cruel in nature. Unlike any beatings I ever sustained. The physical scars and marks always seemed to fade…but not these ones. They cut deeper then any knife. The pain was at times unbearable…and I lived in fear of it. I hated that person. I hated the drunkard mother I had. I was ashamed and embarrassed of her. I was upset that I couldn’t even have a glass of wine in my own home for fear of her behavior and reactions. Besides, most times she came to visit she was already plastered and treated me like shit! The thing was that misery loves company…she always had a negative way of impacting and ruining everyone elses time if “she” wasnt happy. It was like a switch got turned on and off….one minute one person..then BAM!!! Watch out..walk on egg shells and watch your back….total and complete bullshit! But, it was my mother. Somehow there was this imaginary sign for her and all the bad people in my life that said “Im the punching bag so beat me up and push me down!” Some days unknowingly it was all my fault. The reasons were and still are unclear. However, alcoholics have their own agendas and your simply in their fucking way! Your just collateral damage…so dont try and stop them from what it is they desire. Not you or anyone can change that, as much as  you might want to. By now, you might have figured that she was an angry drunk. Yes. I want to point out that it doesnt matter …happy or mad….an alcoholic is an alcoholic!! If you tried to reach her before 10 am and got lucky…you talked to her. If you gambled and took the chance to speak to her after 10 well…chances were that she would forget the conversation the next day….accuse you of lying…a fight would almost always ensue, and you would experience some form of abuse and or pain to along with it. After 10 she was lost, drowning herself and her lifes problems at the end of a Vodka bottle. Given the opportunity and many awareness conversations…she decided that it was easier to admit to being an alcoholic then to avoid it and thought that solved the problem but continued drinking. It shattered relationships and our family. I firmly believe that if she had not been drinking that I possibly would of been helped of saved on many occasions. I would have gladly dealt with her alone and her abusive rages then to have piled on top the other messes! She was a strong woman in most cases. In many situations, the person thats doing the harm is strong indeed but weak when it comes to taking care of them selves. Some how they have fallen so deeply into the sess pool of self destruction and loathing that they go blindly around acting if nobody sees them or knows what the hell they are doing. As if they acknowledge it, it makes it ok. Or if they ignore it altogether that your dumb enough to think that they are perfectly fine. What a crock of crap!!! I had a grandfather, aunts, and my childrens father all that drank. To them there is nothing left. Whatever pians and sorrows they have are much more important and stand out and apart from your needs. It will always be that way, until they decide to fix it.  Its a choice that to be made by them. Not on their behalf. You or I cant fix it no matter the cost.Its a war thats to be waged by them against whatever demons they have. They must heal on their own. Your best bet is to leave it to them. Its not your fight. Being supportive is one thing, but do not jump in and try to take over and rule, criticize, or judge. Its a choice…they made it. The consequences and sequences are theirs and theirs alone,. Alcohol is nasty. Its evil and selfish to the core. It robs you of a life and that persons health…destroys everything in its path and really doesnt care. It has no feeling and no remorse. Again, you are an innocent bystander! Dont feel sorry for those that make these choices. Dont be intimidated by the public that this is an epidemic and you should remain the victim here. Thats not so. Everyone has a choice.

Informative decisions are made everyday by countless people. Murphy’s Law states:  “For every action there is a complete and opposite reaction.”  If you make the wrong choice you pay the consequences. Thats how we learn. A baby for example will only touch a burner once before never doing it again. If it does…it gets burned. The burn is the consequence for the action and decision that it made.  Why must a victim remain the victim from the abuse thats endured from an alcoholic. Its not the person you know. Its a monster inside….no ultimatums can be made…no negotiating. It never works. The choices are up to you on who you allow to hurt you. again, Murphy’s Law. If you choose to allow to be treated as a punching bag…then you will eventually get hit. Dont allow your thinking or those around you to inform you that your job is to stand by and allow that to happen. Save yourself. Leave the tools for that person and heal yourself! Find the resources out there to help educate and learn that you are not alone. Your heart has been battered to many times…by now its a void of emptiness….your numb yourself….dont fall into the slump where you think you have to stay and live life this way. Dont walk on broken bottles …..
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http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/understanding-alcohol-abuse-symptoms

http://www.ask.com/question/what-are-physical-symptoms-of-alcohol-abuse?ad=semD&an=google_s&am=broad&ap=google.com&o=102523

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/alcoholism/basics/symptoms/con-20020866

http://www.activebeat.com/your-health/10-signs-of-alcohol-abuse-when-drinking-becomes-a-problem/

http://www.ncadd.org/index.php/learn-about-alcohol/alcohol-abuse-self-test

Here are some resources to help educate you and the awareness of it.

Added note: As I sit here and reread this aloud to my husband…I get choked up, as if I am reliving this account…the pain is still so very real and feels still new….my mother has passed it will be 2 years this coming Oct. I still have hard days…and will have many more like them. I made my choice…..and it has made me a stronger wiser person. I loved my mother….but in her own words…she never loved me.  Its important for you to know that.

Know that in all things life is possible…and your NOT alone! We are all in this fight together…and if I can be of any help to anyone please dont hesitate to ask. I will be a voice and advocate for those that struggle with abuse on any level….I have been through it all!

May you find inner peace today and harmony. Take a moment and get in tune with your surroundings. Breath in and listen to your inner voice and let it be your guide. May your heart always have strength and courage, may it be filled with hope and joy…and my the light never go out! Much love . ❤

Birdies need love too…….

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Birdies need love too.......

Have you ever stopped to take in your surroundings? I mean REALLY take them in? Listen to the birds out today…..they are bustling about ….. congregating on feeders and chirping away. Arent they so lovely? I rather enjoy taking some quiet time and bird watching. This little guy is a Chickadee…..him and his friends like to visit often and make a nest always nearby. We feed the birds so its nice to listen to them and their songs. Just take a moment….thats all it takes, to take in those special moments that so many take for granted!