First Steps

Exploring the world through caring thoughts, the freedoms of guilt free emotions, and looking at the world through the eyes of someone elses perspective seeking to enhance and set free your soul by opening your heart and mind


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The GOOD,the BAD, and … The INVISABLE

butterfly 1

 

” Your to young. ” Your to young to have any issues or problems.” Your way to young to feel like this.”

If your like me, many more times you care to count, you have been shoved to the back burner and ignored. Many different Dr trips, $$$,  and lets not forget the years of feeling like a guinea pig or lab rat! The slew of tests that you have undergone only to be labelled to have the dreaded silent disease….Fibromyalgia!

Its that wonderful silent disease that at first I shrugged it off, in much denial that there was no way that I could have that. I thought it was stupid, and the Dr ignorant for labelling me as such. I honestly thought 10 years ago that I needed a second opinion, then a finally admitted to it with haste, on my 3rd and final attempt to figure out what the hell was going on with me.cant remeberMost days I really thought that I wanted to die from exhaustion and just was desperate to get some from of relief. That came after I sought out a pain specialist, but I soon learned that nobody really knew anything and I was on my own. I felt isolated, abandoned by my PEERS, and Dr’s, and wanted to just give up and throw in the towel.

Since my first diagnosis 10 years ago (which I go by the last one really 8 yrs) I have learned more about myself in this last year alone then with any Dr help. I decided to research on my own, trial and error of course, and I also used Homeopathic treatments at home! I changed my diet, and reminded myself, that even if I didn’t feel well today, tomorrow was another day and I would try again then.

Weather plays a huge role in my health, as does activity, and over excursion. I really have to use a cane some days, and park in the handicap with my placard when I need to. Some days, when the fatigue hits so hard and I’m loosing that battle, I cant do much, sometimes not even dress. Thank God for my loving husband, he helps when I break down and ask for help. I really do try to be self sufficient and not bother many people.

Let me look good poem copy

However, sometimes, I just want to scream and tell people to “STOP judging me, and accept me for who I am!!!”  Or, “just let me not be fake today to spare YOUR feelings”……”I’m sorry it makes YOU uncomfortable that I hurt!!! ” Geesh! The big one for me is….” You look good today….yeah, um, that doesn’t mean I’m cured!!!!” or….” I don’t understand how one day you can deal with it, and the next your down.” Another….” How is it that your fine then boom your down…makes me wonder” All cruel in my book. As if we …..the carriers and victims of this horrible disease….. “CHOOSE” when and where it will strike or how badly. AS if “WE” are lying and playing some sort of sick twisted game to gain attention.

There is so much pressure already mounted there for most of us with debilitating diseases. Our days are so much different than that of most. In some cases, (speaking for myself) I have had to cancel plans or not make any because I have went from Good, Bad, ….to……OMG WHAT THE HELL????? and honestly that can be 2 minutes later and I’m down.

I get stressed out easier due to the pain. Its overwhelming at times, and it sucks to be stuck in your head a lot and not have a way out!!! Brain fog is another for me…..I am an intelligent woman. However, now I question myself. I forget what I was going from one room to the next to retrieve, or memory issues. The compilation of sleepless nights, and fatigued days get strung together sometimes and I forget to be strong and pull it together…..hey, we are only human right. Some days, a heater blanket, another blanket, sweats and heavy socks still don’t help.

Not sure about anyone else out there, but now I’m loosing my hair. The top is becoming rather thin, eyebrows little to now…have to pencil them in, and I have noticed changes in my facial structure. My tummy is sensitive, my sleep is completely  hacked and inconsistent. So much going on, and I hate the fact that I have NO CONTROL over it. It is a creeper……it sneaks up on you without warning like a tiger to its prey and pounces on you out of nowhere!!!! It takes you down quickly and there is no use in fighting, it only makes it worse. Some days, I admit, I succumb to its evil thirst to ruin my life!!! I have learned NOT to feel ashamed or bad for who I am and what’s happening to me. Its not my fault, I have no control. I just decided to take it one day at a time!!!

keep calm

   Its become a humbling experience to not be able to use my hands sometimes, not being able to open a cereal box for my grandkids, or a can with an opening, last night, not even a wrapper. Small things I guess we all take for granted. Its also been humbling for me to look at the broader picture…..The way I see it, EVERYONE is dealing with something. I’m not asking for special treatment. I am aware there are worse off people in this world. I guess what I’m saying is…..I know that there are more like me out there. We are NOT alone. Some day we hope to have a cure for this disease and hope that more support groups, and education for this will come around. Its hard enough to have this going on….and in most cases, its not just Fibro that we are dealing with, it is compiled with other issues that can make it worse and drive you to the brink of madness!!!

I ask that you look into it, research it. More and more people are being diagnosed with this nasty thing but there is limited education, experience, and / or knowledge pertaining to the in’s and out’s of the HOW To’s. I am asking that the next time you see a person struggling, stop and ask if they need help, assist them, don’t judge someone for using a handicap that you cant see….that person just may be me. Show your support, show your love for your fellow Fibro’s out there and together we can start to make a difference in the cure so we can live the lives we were ALWAYS meant to be living!!!!

Something Purple fibromyalgia awareness dayLet me see your Purple shine!!!

For all of the Fibro’s out there, and ANYONE who is suffering silently, I wish for you comfort, and relief. I wish that your body and spirit stay strong and that you take comfort in knowing that your not alone out there. Take comfort in knowing that they are trying to bring in more Dr’s, more education nationwide. Take comfort in knowing that you are the boss and ruler of you and your body today and always!!! Advocate for yourself, nobody else will! Take a stand, be strong, and take all the time you need!! Don’t feel foolish doing research and trying new things. If something works for you, listen to your body….you know best…after all it IS YOUR body!!! I hope this helps, I know that today I was having a hard time, but I thought about it, and wanted to bring comfort nd encouragement to those that might not be having a great day either!

Fly high butterflies……fly high!!!


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NEW TO LOOK OLD

 

I’m blown away at the amount of Chabby Chic that’s out there these days. It gorgeous yes. I love it, yes YES!!! However,  I do wonder why people charge so much when there are sites such as PINTREST, or even GOOGLE to answer any of your questions, needs or even desires on “how to’s” As a photographer and hobby blogger, I noticed that people aren’t saying anything…or maybe I’m just not hearing it.

Now, I’m like every other person out there….I wanna shop smart and be thrifty. There is a difference…NOT cheap!!! The way I figure it, if I can make it, I will. Chances are that I can, I usually will look at something and go home and make it better….Wayyyyyy Better!!! Why pay high prices for something when you can spec it to yourself. I fill my Pintrest acct with lots of hacks for women and people that may or may not be on a budget or like me….simply are addicted and loving bargain hunting to make something out of nothing!!! For all the ” Do it yourselfers”, Upcyclers, Recyclers, Homemakers, or just your average JOE…( no pun intended to any JOE”S out there) I say have fun, if you can do it…DO IT!!!

There are ways to make your own Chalk Paint, and craft fairs that wanna charge you ridiculous prices to come for a class. If you wanna do it….do it. Me personally, I wanna take pride in knowing that I customed made something on my own without help. I do take pride in that. I frequent the Thrift Shops, and the Antique stores or malls, and look for the objects that speak out to me to take them home and give them new life….I try to come up with something useful and one of a kind to do or use it for. Most times I do.
I guess that the cool thing…nobody has my things…no copies, mine are all originals!!

I got frustrated when I went to a tore to find out that they take new things and made them look old and sold them at old prices. Lets clear the air here….just because something looks old….doesn’t mean it IS old….and you shouldn’t pay OLD prices!!! I do it all the time. I enjoy working and being crafty when my health allows it and “antiquing ” an object. Its fun….but the reality is, stop paying full price for something you can do on your own!!! We all have skills….we all can do a hobby!!! Get out there and find yours!!!!  Leave your pocket book at home….save your dough, use your cash to buy supplies for yourself and quit giving to those over priced stores!!! Make your one of a kind treasure! You’ll be glad you did!!!

Your worth it!!!

 

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EAT, Drink, and BE WELL my Friends!!!

Cheers!!

G- Parkhurst


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The Stresses of a Womans World

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As a child growing up, I can remember holidays coming and going. The women in the kitchen while the men sat quietly awaiting their feast as the women cackled and talked in the kitchen slaving away. The men’s stomachs rumbling and the kids noisily played racing around the house and screaming at one another about politics or the current game on television.  I can recall the sweat on my grandmothers brow as she barked orders to my aunts and mother on the next much needed item or chore needing to be done.

Sometimes I recall those memories and I think to myself how incredible it was that these women had taken time in their busy schedules to make all this happen. My mother- a hard working woman that was a tom boy in her day until she passed, and could run a chainsaw better then most men, and never stopped working or took a break. She was always busy and believed that if there was light that there was no reason to waste time in a day, it meant “something” could be getting done and NOT to waste that opportunity.

My mother, much like my grandmothers seemed to NEVER take sick. If they were, they sucked it up and never let it get them down, or put on a show of helplessness to attract attention or gain sympathy from others. They kept trudging wearily along and finished their chores and finished their duties that were required of them. They took care of their families, husbands, their children too, then they made dinner and checked homework….cleaning up afterwards. NEVER  not once complaining about their jobs, or what was asked of them,  nor breaking down in tears or emotional distress in front of us at any time ( it was a secret or happened behind locked doors) or complaining they were to sick to “DO” anything.

They ALWAYS made time, even when it felt as though there wasn’t any…they made it happen!!

. woman illness

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Mt Adams

 

 

 

 

grandkids, Mt Adams trip 131

 

Reflections arent always what you see…..sometimes, when your looking you see what you ONLY choose to see. Everything has a form of beauty in it…..look past outward appearances, and find what draws you in. You may be surprised at what you find.


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Jewels on a necklace

Jewels on a necklace
cut differently, you and I
all attached one way or another on a strand,
in life just touching one another briefly,
as we stroll through our lives journeys individually.
– G.Parkhurst

Thought for the day…….
Where does brilliance come from?
The body, or mind?
Heart or soul?
In which direction does it flow?
Lastly, just how bright do you shine to others?

 

It has been some months now that I have unplugged, and for good reason. It has been a bumpy ride, and I have found myself doing more soul searching. These last few months have left me in more emotional anguish, jobless, and in pain then I care to share. However, it has taught me one thing, that being that we are ALL invaluable. Some of us have never tasted the feelings of self worthlessness, some have. In any case, I have to say that no matter who you are, what background you came from, there IS purpose. What that purpose is, Im not entirely sure. Thats what your own journey decides in life. That will be another day. To be honest, I wasnt sure just how many people I have touched, and often wondered, should I stop blogging or sharing all together?? With that said, I will continue to share my thoughts on life, abuse, and emotional baggage as I have done in the past. I will also gladly continue posting my pictures everytime I blog just to  keep you all in high spirits. If you choose not to read my posts Im ok with that…..however, you may find yourself one day thinking back on something that I’ve shared that may have touched you in one way or another…..at least, thats what Im aiming for! Im not looking to become famous, or rich….just to be honest, and share in life journeys what may help someone, somewhere along the line in how to be more loving, positive, and cope more productively instead of just being numb and self destructing or simply on auto pilot going through life feeling no purpose. Im here, always have been…your not alone…never will be. You are loved….and you will always have a friend in me.

I wish for you during this time of seasonal change, the harvesting of a new spirit. Inner sanctum and peace, a place in your soul that you may tap into to get comfortable within your skin, and reclaim you and your life. Health and prosperity, love, and a kindred heart. Live life everyday with no regrets and love entirely, never give up, and dont hold back. Explore your mind, spirit, and soul with all you have….learn to put yourself first.

Until next blogcast…..Be well my lovelies….be well!


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Clowns Cry Too

Clowns wear a face that”s painted intentionally on them so they 

appear to be happy or sad. what kind of mask are you wearing today?      

—- Anonymous

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Clowns Cry to.  I wonder why that is.  They are under paid and underrated I believe.  Its truly amazing how they can put on a show, forgetting their own lives, to  bring joy and happiness to others that need it. They are laughed at, mocked, and people snort and point at them behind their backs.  They are painted comedians.  What I find most interesting is that in almost all cases the clown or comedian has come from some form of tragedy.  Laughter heals they say.  I would like to meet the person responsible for this “so called” saying and ask him/her personally what makes him/her the expert on that.  So much pressure is put onto the person that is the abused or the victim.  We are expected to go through life pretending that nothing has happened or is wrong.  We are forced to set aside our own feelings, never dealing with them, and suck it up and move on.

“The mind is but a mystical dark circus;

we are nothing but a clown playing along to life’s theater.

Our faces delicately brimming with giggles;

painted in bright colors,

As we hide from the world…..

showing them only what they truly want to see.” 

— G. Parkhurst

There is much pain, sorrow, and sadness in most of us, as we trot along in life.  In most cases people are so oblivious they don”t even see.  In fact, is it that they don”t see…or wanna see?  Could they handle it?  Its a hard luck life,…….. no, a hard luck story.  No clown or comedian asks you to feel sorry for them. Just that you take time to understand them. To respect them and all the hurt that comes along with them.  Most often times, we are not seen or heard.  We dress to impress and put on our happy face, pushing aside those things that haunt us.

” I remain in the dark.

My face misrepresented by this circus of life, tormented by my emotions and memories.

My mind constantly working, never allowing silence or peace.

I fear the silence, it shreds my soul a bit at a time, never leaving me 

to stop entertaining the idea that I MUST continue to hide behind a mask.

For behind this mask of characters, nobody can see what truly pains me.

My heart is lost to the enchantment of each mask, intricately made, just for me, that I must put on and wear.

Im caught up in confusion, cleverly disguised as being a normal person.”

— G. Parkhurst

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I’ve heard people often remark that they are scared of clowns. Some petrified. Why you ask? Could it be that those very same people are in tune with their surroundings? Im not saying pedophile here….Im saying that possibly they see past the paint and all the make-up. Their intuitions prove that they see that there is so much more beneath the surface. What is it that they are hiding? What really is going on in their souls and minds? Could it be they see the pain, trauma, horror, abuse…or even evilness? Kinda scary to me.

The bottom line is that the next time you find yourself judging someone…look at them a little deeper with more understanding and compassion. Dont expect them to pick up…dust right off..move on…forget and forgive. It should be on our time, not yours. Try to get past the clown and see the person. Try to be understanding and get to know them. Listen to their stories and what they are really trying to tell you without speaking.

They are my heroes….and I there sister or brother. We are family. We share a commonality. We have a unwritten or unspoken bond,

I respect them and their jobs, they do it so well, and I like them, and so many others out there, who bring joy to others where there is sadness. Its a heavy burden to carry. However, when I put my mask on..its easier to focus my energy on your pain and sadness…then to face my inner demons and fears, i would rather forget about mine, to help you let go of yours! We touch peoples lives every day and forget about our own…casting it to the wayside. SO much so…..that we get lost in ourselves…some struggling to get out…others content in still wearing the masks…it no longer is just a mask…but has become and always will be part of who and what they truly are…….lost forever…what we wanna be…and wanna do…or ever wanna feel.

What mask are you wearing today?

I wish for you today a sense of inner peace and healing. Truly that you know that you are not alone and that no matter what mask you choose…..I love you for who you are, not which one you choose to wear. Dont fear the mask…embrace it and let it surround you and keep you. In it, you feel a sense of safety. Its ok. I wont and dont judge you. When you are ready, I and others like me will be here for you to help you, guide you, encourage you, and we will ALWAYS love and support you! Safe journeys today for your inner spirit…let your mind wander freely today, reflecting on which masks can be thrown out and which ones you still need.

Until next time my fellow clowns…..live to laugh another day, shed a tear , and always keep smiling!  ❤


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My Tulips & Me

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Are you a tulip blowing in the wind? 

Standing tall beside your friends.

Supporting others as they grow,

often times thinking they have no place to go.

Close together, roots planted deep,

sleeping side by side under the stars, counting sheep.

Telling tails underneath the moonlight,

singing songs of friendships delight.

Sharing in life and all its colors together they often say,

“birds of a feather”……

For in this garden of life I’ll be – 

next to my tulips friends and me,

growing until there’s life no more,

hoping at another chance next Spring,

to dance another dance and sing………

My Tulip Friends & Me!!!

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— G. Parkhurst

Photographs — G. Parkhurst

Taken @ Skagit Valley, Wa.


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Silence On A Moutaintop

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No one can hear you scream

high up on a mountain top

Left alone for the wind to swiftly

carry your worries and thoughts off

It takes your breathe away with

the sounds of birds and the breeze

blowing freely swaying through the trees

The sun kissing your skin

melting into it as it comes so alive with warmth

giving generosity and showering me with its natural powers and charm

Staring straight into the heart and soul

of its timeless beauty

and surrounded by its drawing forces through my minds eye

It sweeps me away, cleansing my inner fears taking with it my inhibitions

making me feel things I have buried so deep

I become enveloped, entranced by its wondrous nature

grounded by its strength

All time is forgotten and lost becoming non- existent

I become one and am reminded just how

peaceful and splendid life can be

for up on a mountain top……

Nobody can hear or see me!

— G. Parkhurst

Photo — G. Parkhurst

Taken Leavenworth   March 2014


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Broken Sparrow……………

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I am only a sparrow among-st a great flock of sparrows.

Evita Peron

If the wings of a bird are clipped it cant fly;

It will never be free to just be, its insides just rot and die.

Never to explore the world and all its glories;

to enjoy the skies, and share its stories.

It may always stay connected to the grounds below;

often trailing its own shadows simply to say “hello”.

Great adventures lie in the vast great beyond;

but this small creature doesn’t feel strong, like it belongs.

It cowers,and it whimpers, chirping its fears;

a language often spoken in different words which no one hears.

It carries with it burdens others simply can not imagine;

harboring its thoughts and emotions, locked secretly away in a far off forest in a rustic old forgotten cabin.

Its wings will heal in splendid grandeur;

it takes much love, time, and lots of candor.

For it must travel to far off places without fear or reservation;

the only thing that matters to this tiny creature is utmost self-preservation!

– G. Parkhurst 

” Never let your world become to small.”    – Shane Skusek

If the wings of a bird are clipped, it cant fly. This we know. It will never be free to explore the world and to enjoy the skies, or have most the freedoms that other creatures like it do. It will be grounded……connected to the Earth, never knowing what adventures lie out there in the vast great beyond.

What if you could somehow mend that broken wing?  What if you took it in, nourished it, harbored it, and gave it purpose again?  What if you helped it to become strong, resilient, to grow and encouraged it to overcome all obstacles in the foreseeable future?  Is it possible? You bet!

Do you think that once freed that this tiny creature would return unscathed?  If it returned at all?  What if the wings of the bird weren’t clipped but broken all together? Or, what if that very same bird….never had wings at all…it never knew any different?  Would it be unsure on how to fly?  Would it even try?  Would you give it confidence and teach or train it to overcome its fears?

The bird seems weak, frightened….and unsure. Without you and your knowledge on how to be prepared….it could quite possibly die. DO you show it compassion and speak its language?  Showing it mercy and love.  You have taken it in, accepted it for being different…and it you.  You posses the willingness to try and help another living being.  Its difficult no doubt in the beginning, but over time, it becomes second nature to both you and this living thing.  What if I were to tell you that for some…..with abusive backgrounds….or trauma, we are that Sparrow?  We are that living thing…that creature that’s so afraid.  Some may have had their wings broken and some never knew that they could even fly.  What if that being…..is you?

The world in its entirety is ever changing.  And we with it. A good friend …..my best friend said to me once….”Never let your world become to small Gwen.”  He is a smart man.  He never sustained any trauma or abuse that I know of.  Yet, he is so compassionate about the things that he couldn’t possibly understand.  His willingness to learn about my past and to understand it when I talk is impeccable.  He never judges me or criticizes.  Just listens and asks frequent questions.

Is he right?

I think that this reaches far more then abuse.  We teach our children for example that they should be proud of who and what they are. Yet, we ourselves look and want to be more.  Is this ok?  Im not sure.  I know this much.  Early on in life, we adapt.  We all adapt to change and over time accept it.  We give in to it.  Im not saying change is always good nor bad.  Just that we do it.  For example, if you were to take a picture of yourself as  child, the again as  teenager, college, wedding day, middle age…ect..ect. you would see that you have changed and adapted.  Some people I think do it out of feeling forced and others go along with it….some never at all…yet stuck in time. The world is full of possibilities and constantly ever growing. In it…we are with it.  We must keep an open mind. Never falling into the close minded thoughts or segregation of Victims, Abuse, and Violence.  Rather, carrying with us the desires to explore life, ourselves and to constantly change and grow with it. If you never try how will you know. Its ok to fail as I have stated before in previous blogs. If you never give yourself of someone you know that chance to be something great……you are breaking their wings and keeping them grounded.

First things first. Be content with you. Without being a victim, you couldn’t make it into Survival. Accept you for who you are. Its amazing and great that you want more out of life…we all do. What Im saying is that you need to make EVERY day count.  Im not a religious person….but there is a prayer that rings true for many people from ALL walks of life.

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Today’s personal lesson comes from the heart……bare in mind those out there that may be Sparrows….they may be grounded and lost. To afraid to fly for fear of falling.  Encourage them to live life, heal, grow, move on….and to fly free from those things that cause them to live in pain.

If you are fortunate enough to never have been in this position….then live life as you were intended…carefree…..and to the fullest. Make each moment count…like its your last!  Dont become grounded and fearful….instead be fearless…and remain adventurous and courageous!  Let these traits seep out of you and leech into others lives. NEVER LET YOUR WORLD BECOME TO SMALL!!!

Now go fly free my little Sparrow friends…..free to grow, change, live happily, and flourish into the creature you were intended on being!

I wish for you, pure happiness and joy. I wish that you find yourself, and grow inside to spread your wings and fly…..taking on new heights in life and becoming the adventurous kindred spirit….wild and free that your past has prevented you from becoming! I wish for you health, wealth…and personal gain…that you may be successful in your journey and wherever life may take you! You and you alone can embrace the necessary tools to use to your advantage and sing the song that your inner Sparrow sings!

Until next time…..be free…fly well, my little Sparrow! ❤


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“PTSD is a whole-body tragedy, an integral human event of enormous proportions with massive repercussions.” 
― Susan Pease Banitt

Most people go through life with broken wings. They often dont share for fear of resentment or rejection. They dont show the hurt they feel or burdens they carry with them. Most times, you wont even know it exists.  I was taught, not only by my mother but as a survivor, that to show your feelings was a sign of weakness and defeat. weakness was for wimps..and I could not show it. Even to this day, its hard for me to open up, although Im learning more and more daily. I learned early on in my life of abuse, that when I did show it, or want to share, nobody cared, and to those that were the abusers…it made them more angry, and they had no problem pointing it out. You often times feel as though you have no voice, or nobody hears you. You feel alone and isolated. Ashamed and fearful. You are anxious and afraid. Your emotions may even be on a roller coaster, and you dont even understand why. Its possible that you deal with depression and withdrawal…possibly to cope, and are addicted to drugs and or alcohol, maybe even something else, like food, shopping, or gambling, ect. ect. so as not to feel, or think about what your feeling.. You wear a invisible mask so others cant see the real you…your worried if they do you will be outcast.  Nobody understands you. Your lost and unreachable. Your heart hurts and you dont know where to turn. Sights, smells, sounds, or a person, place , or thing, may trigger flashes, emotions, and panic attacks.  Some days…you hurt. The pain feels so real, but nothing is physically wrong with you.  You experience night terrors, and may have had thoughts of suicide or have already tried…maybe you cut yourself to release the emotional pain your feeling as a way to release those inner feelings. You were and maybe still are a victim of abuse. Its quite possible that you are now a survivor but still experience these feelings daily or quite often.  Your unsure of why you still have these thoughts or emotions, because some days you feel fine. Others are so hard to get through. Maybe you are snappy towards others and edgy. Its alright. It doesnt mean your weak and you have lost. It means its possible you are experiencing CPTSD or PTSD. Its common in victims and survivors that have sustained traumatic events beyond their control. Your not alone.

PTSD

“The symptomatology of PTSD.
In PTSD a traumatic event is not remembered and relegated to one’s past in the same way as other life events. Trauma continues to intrude with visual, auditory, and/or other somatic reality on the lives of its victims. Again and again they relieve the life-threatening experiences they suffered, reacting in mind and body as though such events were still occurring. PTSD is a complex psychobiological condition.” 
― Babette RothschildThe Body Remembers: The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment the Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment

(A couple brief accounts)

On a gorgeous sunny day I was in the bathroom grooming myself. I had the door double locked to ensure my privacy and safety. My mother and “him” were outside working in the yard. It was the weekend, and I had to get ready to go to my best friends house! I was so excited! I turned on the shower, got undressed, and opened the small window that let out the steam, and let in the fresh crisp air. Turned on the fan and let the steam fill my nostrils, and the hot water run down and  cover my body in warmth. I let it wash over  me…and I let go of my inhibitions and fears, letting it drown out the world and rinse it all  down the drain. I soaked my head under the faucet and closed my eyes and melted into the goodness that surrounded me. In our house…we were allowed 5 minute showers! No more. if we did they would pound on the door and turn on the cold water to freeze you out, then you got grounded. I took advantage of the fact that the boys were gone and my mother and “him” were outside. They couldnt keep time, so, I took an extra few minutes and enjoyed myself, humming along making my own tune. I washed my hair..letting the suds work themselves in and the lather drifted down my curves into the small of my back. …… I got a uneasy feeling. It settled deep in my belly and I became sick to my stomach. I looked up and to my surprise “he” was standing on a chair or log outside the window  watching me. He made noises and grunted…saying inappropriate things to me. I immediately opened my eyes with soap in them to see him standing there hovering in the window. It was very narrow…about 9ft off the ground and you needed to stand on something to see in it.  I slammed it shut and rinsed my hair and got out.  To this day…I hate having soap in my eyes…brings me back to that helpless time and I have a fear of not seeing. I still have nightmares and night terrors. I hate taking showers unless my hubby is home. Then I get paranoid someones here and gonna hurt me. All because of him.

Another time for example was…..early on in my abuse with “him”. “he” would tell my mother “he” was gonna take me with him to go run errands. i never wanted to go, and begged not to. My mother said she needed free time.  He took the truck and forced me to sit next to him. While driving he would force me to touch him and grope him. Some times he would stop at places and force me to give him oral sex.  When I drive by those places even now as an adult I have flashbacks and get sick to my stomach. To this day due to the trauma being that I sustained I barely can be intimate with my husband. It has caused irreversible barriers. Im glad I have such an understanding loving husband. Due to that…it has caused intimacy issues behind closed doors. For that I am sorry. I hate that BASTARD!!!  “he” took that and stole that from me….and from my husband!!!

These are just 2 brief accounts. I wont go into any horrible details as Im sure you get the picture. There were many more like that…and Im still processing them on a daily basis…It will continue for the rest of my life.

What I wanted to say was that, most people associate PTSD with mainly Military. While PTSD is often times associated with it, I wanted to share that there is a second one most people are not aware of as well. Im not saying one is worse then the other or disclosing that neither is as important as the other. Just that the two are different, and  in this case putting yourself in one category is not necessary. You may think that you dont have it for fear of being like a Military person or persons, dont label yourself just yet. Thats not so. Even if you think you do have it, my suggestion is that  you go to your Dr and get a referral for help from the appropriate Dr. A PCP is not a qualified professional to deal with such cases and in no way be giving you or prescribing you medicine. Its not in their scope or practice. If they are a good Dr they will admittedly refer you to some one that is accredited to help you in the way that you need! Please remember this!!!! Pharmaceutical Companies and Health Insurance Companies  are pushing PCP’s to prescribe antidepressants and other pills with out sending you to the right DR’s. Be wary. A good Psychologist or Psychotherapist will see you a few times to feel you out and adjust to your specific needs at that time. Do some research on your own. If you or anyone you know may fall under this category please do not hesitate to ask questions and get pointed in the right direction. Often times PCP’s arent treating the patient with the right medicines and it may not even be the problem. Again, ask for a referral. A good PCP will do a work up on you to see if there are any other underlying problems and give you a referral to see the right mental health professional! I am in no way telling you to self diagnose, or claiming to be a Dr. I am however, giving you advice if you think that you fall under this criteria. Im a survivor and was a victim. I can only speak and give advice from this first hand perspective, and my accounts or life!

PTSD woman

“Whenever you need a listening ear, we’ll be there. Don’t let PTSD get a hold on you. Seek help.” 
― www.thecounsellingparadigm.sg

I included for you some informative information to help you distinguish between the 2. You might take a moment and read it. Its interesting and  you will find it to be very helpful.

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) also known as multiple interrelated post traumatic stress disorder is a psychological injury that results from protracted exposure to prolonged social and/or interpersonal trauma in the context of either captivity or entrapment (a situation lacking a viable escape route for the victim), which results in the lack or loss of control, helplessness, and deformations of identity and sense of self. C-PTSD is distinct from, but similar to, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), somatization disorder, dissociative identity disorder, and borderline personality disorder.[1]

However, C-PTSD was not accepted by the American Psychiatric Association as a mental disorder. It was not included in DSM-IV or in DSM-5, published in 2013.[2]

Though mainstream journals have published papers on C-PTSD, the category is not formally recognized in diagnostic systems such as Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) or International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems (ICD).[3] It may be included in the upcoming ICD 11 However, the former includes “disorder of extreme stress, not otherwise specified” and the latter has this similar code “personality change due to classifications found elsewhere” (31.1), both of whose parameters accommodate C-PTSD.[1]

C-PTSD involves complex and reciprocal interactions between multiple biopsychosocial systems. It was first described in 1992 by Judith Herman in her book Trauma & Recovery and an accompanying article.[1][4] Forms of trauma associated with C-PTSD involve a history of prolonged subjection to totalitarian control[1] including sexual abuse (especially child sexual abuse), physical abuse, emotional abuse, domestic violence or torture—all repeated traumas in which there is an actual or perceived inability for the victim to escape

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) was included in the DSM-III (1980), mainly due to the relatively large numbers of American combat veterans of the Vietnam War who were seeking treatment for the lingering effects of combat stress. In the 1980s, various researchers and clinicians suggested that PTSD might also accurately describe the sequelae of such traumas as child sexual abuse and domestic abuse.[7] However, it was soon suggested that PTSD failed to account for the cluster of symptoms that were often observed in cases of prolonged abuse, particularly that which was perpetrated against children by caregivers during multiple childhood and adolescent developmental stages. Such patients were often extremely difficult to treat with established methods.[7]

PTSD descriptions fail to capture some of the core characteristics of C-PTSD. These elements include captivity, psychological fragmentation, the loss of a sense of safety, trust, and self-worth, as well as the tendency to be revictimized. Most importantly, there is a loss of a coherent sense of self: it is this loss, and the ensuing symptom profile, that most pointedly differentiates C-PTSD from PTSD.[8]

C-PTSD is also characterized by attachment disorder, particularly the pervasive insecure, or disorganized-type attachment.[9] DSM-IV (1994) dissociative disorders and PTSD do not include insecure attachment in their criteria. As a consequence of this aspect of C-PTSD, when some adults with C-PTSD become parents and confront their own children’s attachment needs, they may have particular difficulty in responding sensitively especially to their infants’ and young children’s routine distress—such as during routine separations, despite these parents’ best intentions and efforts.[10] Although the great majority of survivors do not abuse others,[11] this difficulty in parenting may have adverse repercussions for their children’s social and emotional development if parents with this condition and their children do not receive appropriate treatment.[12][13]

Thus, a differentiation between the diagnostic category of C-PTSD and that of PTSD has been suggested. C-PTSD better describes the pervasive negative impact of chronic repetitive trauma than does PTSD alone.

“In my mind….C-PTSD is like a mental, emotional, and physical prison.  I may be in prison, but at least in there I can find my way around and Im safe. Here on the outside…..I feel lost,  alone,  scared,and invisible with no voice.”

G.Parkhurst

listen

I know its a scary road out there. Its a scary enough life to just be “normal” with no trauma or illness. To have it, is a very isolating feeling and adds more undo much unneeded stress in your life! Most of us ignore it for as long as we can. However, knowing that there are places, people, and resources out there, you no longer have to live in fear or feel rejected. Your NOT alone. I AM like you…I AM one of you! There are countless others as well! C-PTSD isnt a death sentence, neither is PTSD. Dont let it run you and your life. Its tough, I WILL say that. EVERYDAY brings new challenges. Find someone or somewhere that you can open up, and talk. Learn to be yourself. Find that strength inside you and just try. There WILL be unbearable times when you feel like you dont have it in you. You do. Butterflies go through an amazing transformation. I think those of us that have had such horrible nasty lives are like them. Those of us that have experienced such horrific tragedies deserve to grow into something so beautiful and prosper. We deserve that much. I think after those things we experience we are stuck in this cocoon….we marinate in it. Living in it for comfort. Possibly afraid to come out for fear of whats in store for us, or the unknown. However, when we get  the strength, the courage, and someone to help us through, we blossom into this beautiful creature, our wings form, and we begin to open up and fly free. Free of all the things that bind us and keep us into ourselves, shut off from the world. The world never gets to see us, to see us fly or be ourselves…to be free to fly, to show them what we are made of and how strong we are! We are adventurous, and brave. We are survivors! We are Butterflies! BOLDBEAUTIFUL, and BRAVE!  If I could reach through the computer and hold you and squeeze you and say “its ok,  Im here” I would. Letters on a screen will have to suffice for now. There are many reasons that a person suffers from these debilitating issues. The list can go on and on. Every one is different. No 2 people can suffer from the same trauma and feel or cope the same. Neither should be judged on how or when they cope either.  This is REAL…its life altering and a game changer. It affects millions of people EVERY year.

PTSD Facts

    • 7.7 million Americans age 18 and older have PTSD.
    • Relationships, Trauma, and PTSD

      Trauma survivors who have PTSD may have trouble with their close family relationships or friendships. Their symptoms can cause problems with trust, closeness, communication, and problem solving, which may affect the way the survivor acts with others. In turn, the way a loved one responds to him or her affects the trauma survivor. A circular pattern may develop that could harm relationships. Read more from the National Center for PTSD.

    • Get educated. Learn more. Help those around you if they come to you. Listen closely. They just may be coming to you. Take it as a compliment, if someone is suffering and thinks of you and trusting you, that says a lot. Be there for them! Dont turn them away and make them feel even more alone. Bad things happen everyday to those that feel like they have no voice. Dont let them feel isolated like nobody loves them and make it worse on them. Show them respect and that you care. You may be surprised on who is experiencing it and who has suffered great trauma most have many stories to tell like me. Open your heart and mind. Show love. Show you care

    • April is Mental Health Awareness Month
    • Wont you support me and others like me?
    • CPTSD

                         http://ptsd-home.ca/speaking-your-truth/

I wish for you this day, Peace, Balance and inner Harmony. That your mind, body, and spirit be cleansed and free from debris. That your soul can heal in the spiritual garden and  grow  to move up and on, by letting go of those things that are holding you back that plague you so much.  I wish for you that life treats you well, and that you find comfort in those around you that support you  in good health, mentally, spiritually, and physically.

Peace & Love  ❤  until next  time my friends…thank you for reading and your continue support, with out you this wouldnt be possible. You are, and always will be my rock! ❤

Now go out there my pet….and spread your wings………..and fly!!!!!!!!