First Steps

Exploring the world through caring thoughts, the freedoms of guilt free emotions, and looking at the world through the eyes of someone elses perspective seeking to enhance and set free your soul by opening your heart and mind

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Mt Adams





grandkids, Mt Adams trip 131


Reflections arent always what you see…..sometimes, when your looking you see what you ONLY choose to see. Everything has a form of beauty in it…..look past outward appearances, and find what draws you in. You may be surprised at what you find.


The Many Faces Of Addictions…..A thru Z


(One brief account)

I can remember sitting in front of the television. Watching one of my favorite shows. My mothers was gone, to the store I think. I pretended that if I didn’t make noise or if I just stayed quiet and didn’t cause any commotion that “he” wouldn’t bother me. I ALWAYS asked to go with her, for fear of being left alone with “him”. Why did she most times tell me no? DID she know? I believe all the clues were there. All was fine until “he” disappeared and I thought I was in the clear, safe no doubt today. I was wrong. “He” had come back from their room, only “he” was wearing my mothers sex toys in “his” pants. It was black, big, and very intimidating. “He” was running around, joking and laughing. It made me very uncomfortable. “He” made gestures and implications….God, “he” was a pig, and I hated “him” …every bit of “him”. “He” stood in front of me…swing it around in my face…telling me to look at it…making me stare at it. “He” told me to sit still and watch the tv…to NEVER turn away from it. I wanted to run, but I couldn’t. My feet felt like cement and my legs wouldn’t move. I was so scared and intimidated. I wanted to cry out for help…but nobody was around for me to scream to. I was alone, and I did what I was told to do. The tv changed, and to my surprise, it was porn. I was 10 or 11 at the time.

The thought and memory, still make me sick to my stomach, this was very difficult to write. I hope that in my writings, you the reader understand, that even though terrible things can happen to us, it happened for a reason and a purpose. Mine…was so later, I could be strong for those that needed it…and to help educate and talk about the things that people today avoid  and sweep under the rug. I want to encourage breaking the silence…and to let all the survivors and victims out there know, you ARE loved….and NOT alone!

“Being a victim or a survivor, no matter how you look at it, the two go hand in hand. Cant have one with out the other”. Is bad enough, but what about the issues and challenges that we face most times alone before, during, or after? The things that happen to us…the things that we end of doing to cope….or we feel like we get ourselves into. Whether it be by force, or on our own…most of us have these intoxicating issues……some so delicious…others not so pretty.  I’m talking about addiction(s) and Anxiety

ad·dic·tion (ə-dĭk′shən)


a. Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance:  drugs and/or alcohol
b. An instance of this: a person with multiple chemical addictions.

a. The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something.
b.The need or strong desire to do, or have to do with something, or a VERY strong liking or urge for something.
c. – an abnormally strong craving  – an intense desire for some particular thing
“An over-indulgence of anything, even something as pure as water, can intoxicate.” 
― Criss JamiVenus in Arms


These are also addictions…

Shopping, gambling, food, sugar,exercise, work, internet, love, sex, porn, cutting or pain, fame, power, or control…ect.ect.



Studies have shown conclusively that, when compared to a non-victim or survivor, that the victims or survivors are more likely to become some form of an addict. By using various methods of addiction, we find its a very common way to cope with the traumas that were sustained even though they may inhibit the healing process. This is referred to as “numbing or numbing out” They numb out from the inside, that pain which is associated with any hurt, violence, or trauma that was or ( GOD FORBID) is experienced. Some use addiction not wanting to confront these instances or occurrences for many different reasons, ex: painful memories or thoughts, fear, fear of rejection….and some are simply not ready to tackle or know how to tackle this. So, they choose not to altogether. Some are alone. They shroud themselves most times, with alternate thoughts and sometimes makeup, or live in an alternate state of mind with no feelings at all….simply choosing to ignore it as if it never happened…only making matters worse. Some pretend by forming a “fake” personality or lifestyle pretending to be someone else or fabricating another person to avoid being noticed or recognized as a victim…maybe for safety reasons… Although, some victims, may have forgotten it, and their mind has chosen to protect them. The have no recollection of it at all.

” The body will do some very tricky things to acquire the chemicals it craves, including rearranging thought and emotional process.” 

A good example is how anxiety attacks and often times “conjured up”  by the body will occur to GET precisely what it desires.

Anxiety is one of the major leading roles that goes hand in hand with addiction. It feeds it. 

anx·i·e·ty (ăng-zī′ĭ-tē)

n. pl. anx·i·e·ties


a. A state of uneasiness and apprehension, as about future uncertainties.
b. A cause of anxiety: For some people, air travel is a real anxiety.
2. Psychiatry A state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from the anticipation of a realistic or fantasized threatening event or situation, often impairing physical and psychological functioning.
3. Eager, often agitated desire: my anxiety to make a good impression.
Unfounded anxiety is a direct result of ALL addiction cycles         Symptoms vary in these as well:
Examples are:
resentful attitudes, risky behaviors, aggressiveness, or passiveness, mood swings ect ect.
Physical symptoms:
weight loss/gain, nervousness or twitches, reactive behavior instead of proactive
Feeling Overwhelmed:
not trusting yourself or your feelings, never feeling good enough, depression, lethargy, anxiety and isolation
Most of us believe that we are NOT the controllers or masters of our own kingdom or fate, that it is outside or out of reach for us. This simply is NOT true.
Most of us in one way or another “self medicate” or self soothe” it helps to maintain physical, emotional, and mental homeostasis. This IS true. 
There are many things that play into being a victim and survivor. I believe that when you learn these things, and the things that go along with it, you will learn not only about yourself, but about others. You will find that you have a more balanced understanding of what to expect and know that your not alone and what to expect. I find that even if your not a victim, educating those that aren’t also gives them an inside look at us, and things from our minds and eyes. It gives them a reason to listen and learn about all the things that we have to deal with on top of our everyday lives. We get so caught up in just that alone, that we forget to heal, and learn about ourselves. Its ok. I personally have my own addictions. I can safely, proudly, and confidently exclaim, that I have over 18 years clean and sober. I did it on my own, through self education, and self preservation…and a lotttt of damn healing….of course the healing is an ONGOING process I believe that NEVER stops. At least, for me. I have thrown myself into other more appropriate addictions and have learned whats safe and whats not. For instance one of them……..I LOVE the thrift stores or Vintage stores.!!!!!!!…bargains bargains bargains!! There are many other things that I could go into, like Triggers, Genetics and Recovery, but I wont. The point I’m trying to make, is that its ok if you are coping with your abuse in the form of addiction. “What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger”.  What I’m trying to say that is , EVERYONE copes differently. We all have our own ways of healing.  Who is anyone to tell you that ” YOUR” way is the “WRONG way? If your addicted to something that’s NOT illegal and doesn’t hurt you or anyone around you, then I personally don’t see the harm in shopping. Unless, you are in debt. Which in that case…find something else. Lifes hard enough without being broke on top of everything else!!! Get into wood working, or mechanics, writing for me has become a habit and was a healthy “go to” for me as an abused kid growing up. I have ALWAYS went to writing of my poetry!!! We all have a way of working through our pains, and have our triggers. I still have mine. Its how you handle them and how you let it affect you that is the key here. For me, it matters on letting my abusers win. They have already taken so much from me….how much more could I possibly give them even now, years later?  Learn the cycles of abuse, learn it and stop it! “
“Dont let your life pass you by and let them win! They may have one the fight, but dont let them win the battle!” 
Having an addiction isn’t a death sentence….it means your human. We all make mistakes and errors. Acknowledge them, admit your human and learn from it. Be proactive, educate yourself about the signs. Dont lay down and give up on yourself and your life. You ARE special…You ARE loved…and you WILL heal from all this pain!!!!
“Not feeling is no replacement for reality. Your problems today are still your problems tomorrow” 
― Larry Michael Dredla
Be strong and courageous…you have it in you! You have come so far, have been through it all…you CAN and WILL be in a better place!!!
Peace & Love to you….may your spirit find balance and harmony, and may you live life like the way we ALL were intended to!
Let go of whats holding you back ……………..     }”i”{