(One brief account)
I can remember sitting in front of the television. Watching one of my favorite shows. My mothers was gone, to the store I think. I pretended that if I didn’t make noise or if I just stayed quiet and didn’t cause any commotion that “he” wouldn’t bother me. I ALWAYS asked to go with her, for fear of being left alone with “him”. Why did she most times tell me no? DID she know? I believe all the clues were there. All was fine until “he” disappeared and I thought I was in the clear, safe no doubt today. I was wrong. “He” had come back from their room, only “he” was wearing my mothers sex toys in “his” pants. It was black, big, and very intimidating. “He” was running around, joking and laughing. It made me very uncomfortable. “He” made gestures and implications….God, “he” was a pig, and I hated “him” …every bit of “him”. “He” stood in front of me…swing it around in my face…telling me to look at it…making me stare at it. “He” told me to sit still and watch the tv…to NEVER turn away from it. I wanted to run, but I couldn’t. My feet felt like cement and my legs wouldn’t move. I was so scared and intimidated. I wanted to cry out for help…but nobody was around for me to scream to. I was alone, and I did what I was told to do. The tv changed, and to my surprise, it was porn. I was 10 or 11 at the time.
The thought and memory, still make me sick to my stomach, this was very difficult to write. I hope that in my writings, you the reader understand, that even though terrible things can happen to us, it happened for a reason and a purpose. Mine…was so later, I could be strong for those that needed it…and to help educate and talk about the things that people today avoid and sweep under the rug. I want to encourage breaking the silence…and to let all the survivors and victims out there know, you ARE loved….and NOT alone!
“Being a victim or a survivor, no matter how you look at it, the two go hand in hand. Cant have one with out the other”. Is bad enough, but what about the issues and challenges that we face most times alone before, during, or after? The things that happen to us…the things that we end of doing to cope….or we feel like we get ourselves into. Whether it be by force, or on our own…most of us have these intoxicating issues……some so delicious…others not so pretty. I’m talking about addiction(s) and Anxiety
These are also addictions…
Shopping, gambling, food, sugar,exercise, work, internet, love, sex, porn, cutting or pain, fame, power, or control…ect.ect.
Studies have shown conclusively that, when compared to a non-victim or survivor, that the victims or survivors are more likely to become some form of an addict. By using various methods of addiction, we find its a very common way to cope with the traumas that were sustained even though they may inhibit the healing process. This is referred to as “numbing or numbing out” They numb out from the inside, that pain which is associated with any hurt, violence, or trauma that was or ( GOD FORBID) is experienced. Some use addiction not wanting to confront these instances or occurrences for many different reasons, ex: painful memories or thoughts, fear, fear of rejection….and some are simply not ready to tackle or know how to tackle this. So, they choose not to altogether. Some are alone. They shroud themselves most times, with alternate thoughts and sometimes makeup, or live in an alternate state of mind with no feelings at all….simply choosing to ignore it as if it never happened…only making matters worse. Some pretend by forming a “fake” personality or lifestyle pretending to be someone else or fabricating another person to avoid being noticed or recognized as a victim…maybe for safety reasons… Although, some victims, may have forgotten it, and their mind has chosen to protect them. The have no recollection of it at all.
” The body will do some very tricky things to acquire the chemicals it craves, including rearranging thought and emotional process.”
A good example is how anxiety attacks and often times “conjured up” by the body will occur to GET precisely what it desires.
Anxiety is one of the major leading roles that goes hand in hand with addiction. It feeds it.
― Larry Michael Dredla