One word, so powerful and can change the lives of the person that must have it! Its associated with many other words but, I would like to talk about this one, and the hold it has over many people………………….
(one brief account)
I woke up again. Sheets soaked, bed completely destroyed, and my pajamas glued to me. I look like I took a shower, but in bed. My heart pulsing, beating intensely out of my chest. Pupils dilated, and the real feelings of terror still freshly burned into my mind….as if it just happened again!! I had another night terror. I was shaken awake this time by my husband. He told me I was fighting in my sleep, and screaming. He tried to comfort me….and of course, I laid down a towel, nestled into his arms, and I cried myself asleep. This wasn’t the first, nor would it be the last time. Its been almost 20 years now since my abusers have had physical contact like the ones in my nightmares.
I wonder…..does any of the abusers have night terrors? How do they sleep? Are they comfortable and sleep through the night undisturbed? Why is after allllll these years that my abusers have this same “control” over me? For the second part of my life I have been working on healing. Trying to regain the “control” I never had and feel like I’m the one dictating my life and its my story….why shouldn’t I be the one to have the control? Wrong. At least for me it was, and is. Once I relinquished this control….I somehow let my abusers (all of them) have it. Call it weakness…call it ignorance. Call it what you want. Judge if you feel you have the right to…..but really, the fact is, I lost “control” over me and my body, and the power to say “no” It was of no use. I had been broken down, beaten, and battered both mentally and physically, and had crumpled. Letting go of my own dreams, goals, inhibitions and aspirations in life. I no longer mattered..and was here to be nothing more then a muted slave, giving in to the dark twisted desires of others sick, demented, and pure enjoyment, at my expense of course.
Its hard to see through the eyes of someones story, and feel their pain, unless you have lost that control in your life at one point. For me, it was refreshing to get some “control” back and be MY own ruler. I happily married and we raised our family, but I realized that even though I was now an adult, the “control” factor would present itself in ways I didn’t know, was just getting started. I had to have “control” over how my house was decorated. “Control” over when we had sex, (for obvious reasons, most victims do.) “Control” over what every one was doing around me… “Control” over my children and their lives,and even though it was partially parenting, it still was “control”. Some may have seen it as over protective parenting…but in fact, because they didn’t know my story, I’m calling it for what it was. Of course, my “control” was out of fear for them in most cases. I figured out that my home and the items in it were safe, and in my nest I had that “control”. I became obsessed with that, It meant so much to me that I became OCD. People joke about it, but when they understood why I was this way it became clear that the underlying reason was a shock to them. Its common to have someone with this disorder, due to the past of a victim, we tend to make up for it in other aspects of our lives. Sound familiar? The loss of “control” leeched into my abilities of making decisions and my everyday life. It still does, and I hold that in and privately to myself for many different reasons. Its one of the many burdens I carry. again, its another form of “control”. It affected my sleep patterns and my judgements. I would sometimes regress and fall back into the shadows for fear of loosing “control” or not having “control” of the situation. I would reject going out, or public functions for fear of not having “control”, and I love to be social, lovepeople and having parties and gatherings…butHAVE TO maintain“control”.
Why were these abusers having this much “control” over me? I now know that its evident that we all process things differently and work through our issues and barriers at our own rate. nobody can tell you otherwise. Tell them to “F*&$ Off…if they do!! Was it possible that I would NEVER be free, NEVER to have my own “control” again? I have talked to many others, coached, mentored, and researched this epidemic. It grasps hold tightly onto its victims, and its hard to get back of. For some, depending on the situation and circumstance, maybe it was presented as a “secret”. Others like myself…maybe put across as “nobody would believe you any ways” and ” your a liar…admit you were lying” or forced by threats as well to keep the silence. Isn’t it “control” that is the dominating factor here? Driving its predators and abusers for purposeful gain to a degree? What was it so important for these people to take mine and keep it for themselves. Was it greed? Sense of empowerment? The outcome doesn’t really matter to me….and I’m sure not you either. Getting it back is the IMPORTANT thing. Not to force it on others is also important, when making up for lost time and regaining it back. Its not others fault, nor, ANY fault of your own. However, I have learned through helping others that the “control” factor isn’t always talked about or shared. Its merely brought up rather quickly and then passed over. I believe that if we focus on it, and give it back to the rightful owners, then the healing can begin, leaving our world a much happier place of Balance and Harmony, especially, for all the victims out there!…. ❤ isn’t that the important thing here? The goal is to maintain it, to keep it, have a sense of it.
As a child,in my time. (I’m not that old…turning 40 in a few days) we were told to respect our elders and listen to what they said. Not to argue… do what you need to, keep your head down, and be quiet, kids were meant to be seen not heard, and sex education was just starting to come out, but not really discussed especially by your parents. Predators weren’t really talked about either, or the dangers of it and the various forms of abuse. In fact, family secrets were still highly going on. There is still much I DON’T know about my own, probably wont either. I think now, with the times changing, and our youth and children being more educated, that the chance of abuse is going down, and the risk of loss of “control” going up with it. It still occurs, yes. The degree of which it does I believe, decreases every time you educate and prepare a young child. Its never to late to teach them the importance of learning that its their right, their bodies, and they CAN and SHOULD tell ANYONE that can help!!!! The MORE you tell the better the chances of getting that much needed HELP, and it could save a life and be a preventative. It also discourages the stalking predators and abusers out there!
If you talk to people our age and older, there is A LOT of victims out there our age, various from various kinds of abuse and it seems like it was the common thing to do for people back then as predators… to go and screw around and mess with someones kid…. by taking their “control”!! For centuries, taking over “control” and having power has been going on. Women not so much, but men….WOW…watch out! They HAD to have it. The MORE you had the better in stature you were!!!!….Lets not forget cavemen days….WOW..go into another tribe…take “control” over ANYTHING including women …BOOM….your the boss! Its every where and all around us since the beginning of time. Yet, it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. I’m not talking about money, or taking over a country. I’m talking about the personal “control” and to me, far more important , psychical, mental, and mind “control“. Women didn’t have much say about anything at one point in our history. Recently, we have been given the right to choose about our own bodies and have the “say” on what we want to do to it. Maybe others are finally realizing the importance that one should have “control” over themselves and its their right.
We cant change the things from our past and the wrongs that have been done, or to us. Letting them sit inside of you by harboring them, and not letting them out,…… and ….go…consumes you, and your life, not to mention, the lives of those around you. Its a pride thing with me I think. I still hurt and have my days…I feel lost and alone. However, I have turned fears into anger, about the lack of control and used it to my advantage. I now know that I DO in fact, have “control” over me and my life. I cant “control” my mind when it sleeps,but,I have let go of reining over my adult children, and have finally started to see that by helping others to encourage them, to educate them, to show them they are not alone, that my “control” issues have started to disappear. It didn’t happen over night. I let the floors go unvacuumed for almost 2 whole weeks… let a few dishes pile in the sink, and the clothes sit in the basket crumpled without folding them or hanging them up……man, did that bug me out…..Maybe I am a bit competitive, I like to win. and thrive for challenges……BUT I’ll be damned, if my abusers and the ones that have hurt me in my life…breaking me down to put themselves up, breaking me, and making me a broken spirit are gonna win this fight. I wont waist another minute on them, and the unforgivable pain they caused, but rather turn it into a challenge of positivity and lead by example by and moving towards a goal of enlightenment, spirituality, encouragement and support for others, peace and love, and harmony and balance,……lastly and more importantly….CONTROL.