Just one night….one account. Bear with me. Im rusty. Here we go Warning!!! Not intended for the faint hearted…its my story…dont read it if you make excuses for the abusive….read this only if you want to understand.
I awoke one night to the sounds of my mother groaning just in the room next to mine. He was in there. Having sex with her no doubt.
sickness washed over me. Tempting thoughts of killing him yet, for some reason I was slightly aroused. I got up and my door was slightly open, and seen that there was light showing through the ajarred doorway just next to mine. Curious, confused, and moist between my legs I went to peer through and see what the motion was. There I stood. Peering in for what seemed like an eternity, yet only a moment or so. In that moment, I had seen what was to come soon to me. The words that had been spoken and the warning he had told me…”it was coming“…and “I was to be next.” He had warned me…by saying to me after he touched me that he wanted to have sex with me…to penetrate me with his tongue and penis. Hardly old enough to even know what those things were, fear coursed through my veins, I denied him and it only made him want me more. Seeking me out whenever I was left alone. Taking any opportunity to use me as he so chose to. At that very moment he looked up….burning through me with his stare. Smiling as he performed oral sex on my mother. The light feeling like spotlight on me…time seemed to stop in that very minute. I remember that smile…its seered into my brain burning me with his evil stare…and I quickly went to my room and shut my door…locking it. Laughter soon followed…and I remembered thinking….why,??? I drifted off and soon after, I left home, never looking back…determined that even in the cold, in the cruel world…it was safer out there no matter what it had to offer me. I was 12. The molesting went on for a couple years before I left… I was a young girl, molested, abused, alone and confused. It was a difficult time for me to live in the same home with this man, and my mother. I would swear to this day…SHE KNEW!!!! It was home non-the-less and all I had at the time. I kept things to myself except for one very trusted close personal life long friend. No matter how many times I went to the school counselor, to share in what my my life consisted of, my family acted like a switch had been turned on and they became someone else. Who were they? I went through most of my years pretending I was adopted. It was the only way my mind would reason with me, as to why the inhumane cruelty was continuing to happen. The only way my mind would process it. The police were even fooled into thinking it was a great home.
You see, its important the bond between to lovers. The ability to share on another and explore their love.
I still have issues when being intimate. Still have times where my body may be there but my mind is somewhere else. Almost like an out of body experience. I have read that most people do that. Its common. Its a go to place that we have and dont feel. It takes so much for me to relax and clear my mind. It hard work to be able to be in the moment and process it as a good thing, to be able to just “feel” the right things…at the right time! Its ok, its how we are alive and just dont have to face those fears or feelings.
I should have spoken up. I should have said more, I should have continued to tell. I gave up. Nobody to listen, nobody to care. Alone and lost, here I was a lonely little girl, with no power to control my life, and body, without a voice. I have gone through most of my life feeling as though I have a had a tattoo upon my forehead that says ” GO AHEAD FUCK WITH ME” or “DO WHAT YOU WANT TO ME NOBODY CARES” even ” PEOPLE ARE DEAF, THEY CANT HEAR MY CRIES FOR HELP!” Little did I know that one day my voice would be heard to all the world and my time would come. I am stronger now. More powerful then ever! Able to share and put my stories out there to help others be strong and stand up for their rights and their bodies!!!
At least I tell myself that that was the reason that I went through all of it. It gives me hope most days.
Its time to wake up! Clear your mind of that fog. Open your mouth and share those stories or untold fears that hold you back! Bear in mind where your children are when your being intimate. What are you unknowingly subjecting them to? How much do you talk to your children? What kind of relationship do you have with your family and children? Let them know that its safe to talk about and share these things. Find someone you feel safe with…find help….find someone that WILL help you! For GODS SAKE, DONT keep the silence going!!!! Its unfair to ask someone to keep a secret for fear of shame. What about the shame or burden that the victim has to carry? What about the blame that rides on his/her shoulders?
Its time to STOP PRETENDING that we dont have these people in our lives, homes, or life……!!!!!
Its time to STOP being silent and SPEAK THE TRUTH!!!! !
Its time to LIVE WITHOUT FEAR!!!!!!
Its time to band together, and SHATTER THE SILENCE!!!!!