Im a firm believer in change. I believe that your past doesn’t define you and who you are, some people through hard work and dedication can change. Then there are others that no matter who they are , they are nasty ugly people that are negative and evil to the core. It been my sole purpose this last year and half since my mothers death to redefine who and what kind of person that I am. On this journey, I am finding out that those evil people are the leeches that I want to stay away from. They have dragged me down and have become a most unpleasant decay that has helped me self destruct. It has come to my attention that in my past even though I was a victim of abuse, hurt, chaos, and dysfunction, that I was a bad person, and was becoming that which I most despised, though at some point it was all I knew. I did make unwise decisions and hurt people. I do want to make myself very clear….it has taken ALOT of abuse and hurt, alot of suffering to make me into the person that I am, but also STRONGER, WISER, and be the change I myself want to see in the world. To be the person and friend that I want others to be to me, to treat people with dignity and respect. But all be damned if I am going to let others walk on me, send any ill-will my way, or tear me down anymore. They are venomous, nauseous toxins and I will not stand for that behavior towards myself or the people or things I love or hold dearly. You know the ones Im talking about, the ones that make you yourself become a nasty ugly person when they are around you.They bring you down and suck out any positive energy you have. I never claimed to be perfect, never claimed that I myself have never done wrong or immoral things, and that is a price Im gonna pay in the future when its my time. Thats between me and my maker. I will no longer be bullied into thinking that I have to answer to anyone again for those crimes of my past. They do not define me and I am no longer bound to them…those chains have be broken and long forgotten. I felt it was necessary to share my thoughts after much deliberation after this weekend. It pains me when I reflect and dredge up those feelings and thoughts….some are distant memories and none are to happy, hence the choice to bury them and forget. We all have choices to make, and are forced to deal with whatever outcome may or may not occur. Whatever that outcome, know that the choice you have made not only affects you but others close to you. I have learned at great lengths, and at others expense at times, that judging others, and their lives, or past, isnt a wise thing to do. For often times we forget our own crimes, and so easily cast judgment on others so harshly. I think that today….my mind and soul have a been a sadly reminded of that. However,prepared we think that we are, it doesnt come easily. Taking a good look in the mirror sometimes we are often conflicted about whats wrong and whats right. The path in life isnt so clear to us. Our judgment gets clouded by emotions and/or other things that prevent us from thinking clearly….from feeling clearly. I guess that this is one of those days….that for every action, there is an equal or opposite reaction. Fear of what we are…who we are…or what we are to become isnt a bad thing. Its that fear for some of us that is the driving force to make us better, stronger, wiser, more understanding creatures that by nature wouldnt otherwise exist. I am who I am…thats all that I am…..to ask more of me would be …….not me.
I wrote this today as a self reflection both inner and outer…..it helped me process somethings that I had stuck in my head and on my mind. It needed to come out so I could see it..to understand it by reading it….that I am human….and by being human…we are entitled to live, make mistakes, get up, dust off, and try to perfect them. No matter how many times you fail, or fall….isnt the issue. It matters by the times that you have perfected the fall in itself. I have many bruises….but every single one …is totally worth it. I’ve got the inner emotional scars……and each one has a great story. Dont let others dictate who you are…. dont let them tell you about yourself. Your life is a great story….you should be the one to tell it….after all…..you lived it!