I hate posting drama….in fact I loathe it. But I feel that you all know me pretty well. You know that I sustained abuse on many levels. I ask that you not feel bad or pitty me. Thats not what Im sharing for. Most people dont understand the very depths of it. The different aspects of it and just how much it affects you in little ways most would think insignificant. It does. Its deep. When I reflect on the secrets that I was made to keep and harbor, the pain that was involved and the people involved…it sadens me to no end. Details get relived through various events that unfold…some unexpectedly others …in plain sight. What bothers me most…I think that even after all these years of suffering that Im still treated like a nobody from these villains. Tables turned as if I were the one in the wrong even though I was the one that sustained the abuse for many years. Physiologically it was damaging to keep bottled up to myself unable to talk to my own children and share with many because i was made out to be a liar…I was threatened and told by people to keep my mouth shut or else. Told that nobody would believe me. Told that if I didnt claim that I was lying that bad things and pain would happen. I lived two lives. One part of me shut off from the real world and the other in auto pilot. Its an isolating feeling to have this hurt and pain. To have lived in fear for so long. To have had it trickle into every aspect of my life affecting it one way or another. When my mother died….part of me woke up and realized I could no longer keep this secret. That I was able to be free and to free these feelings. She married a man when I was young that tormented me….and abused me. Currently the man now she was with was NOT that man. Im talking about the one before the current one. There will come a time when I will publicly announce who he is and what kind of manipulating person he is. My childrens grandfather. I know that I will no longer carry this burden with me….and let the world know my story. Others may ask why I would want to…..to think about the people it will hurt. Understand, that at this point in my life…healing will be part of telling and I will no longer be forced to keep my mouth shut. I will tell everything I can…as it happened …and as I remember it. I have witnesses…and I am no longer afraid. I will no longer have restless nights…night terrors…and live in fear. I will be free of those chains that have bound me for years. This will not keep me from living and i will not be bullied into thinking that what im doing is wrong. My goal is to help others…others like me out there that have lived as i have. In fear…and alone. Last night, there was a woman on tv that had been abused for years…and was made to live that lie….could you imagine? Your family living a lie? When you sought help you were told to lie…nobody to believe you…nobody to turn to? I may not be perfect….considering the evil nasty horrible things that I went through…I think Im doing ok. It could have been much worse, and rightfully so. As i stated earlier….I had alot of crumbs…..the only thing that Im ashamed of is not coming out sooner. I will not be made to feel bad for this. Nor guilty…nor ashamed. It takes a lot of courage to stand up for what is right. If I am gonna help others in their journey…i figure whats best is to open up my life and start with me. I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. I have made mistakes and am not perfect I was abused sexually, physically, mentally, and verbally, not just by my mothers husband, but my children s father, strangers, people I thought I could trust, family friends, my uncle, a counselor my best friend in jr high school….and mentally, verbally, and physically by my mother. All scars that I am trying to heal. Along the way, ask for your understanding and patience. Your support, your help. I have great best friends that know these things and all the bad about me. A husband that knows my past and the horrible nightmare of a life I endured….and as for the rest….my children dont know but what small amounts I have told them….I can no longer be forced to hold my tongue. I will, I am…..a survivor. In order to teach, i must first let you in….im not ashamed to share. Some may be embarrassed…but i am not. For I hold my head high…proud of who I am today…proud that I made it out alive. For one day, my story may save someones life, or give them courage. If you choose to block me…I understand. I am not doing this for anyone but me…it has to be done…I will no longer be bound by this torment…..for today, I start releasing these demons…and giving them back to their rightful owners!!!
Peace & Love