First Steps

Exploring the world through caring thoughts, the freedoms of guilt free emotions, and looking at the world through the eyes of someone elses perspective seeking to enhance and set free your soul by opening your heart and mind


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Demons, GOD, and Cough Surup

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God
gäd/
noun
  1. (in Christianity and other monotheistic religions) the creator and ruler of the universe and source of all moral authority; the supreme being.
    synonyms: the Lord, the Almighty, the Creator, the Maker, the Godhead; More

  2. (in certain other religions) a superhuman being or spirit worshiped as having power over nature or human fortunes; a deity.
    “a moon god”
    synonyms: deitygoddess, divine being, celestial being, divinityimmortalavatar

 exclamation
  1. used for emphasis or to express emotions such as surprise, anger, or distress.
    “God, what did I do to deserve this?”

    We ALL our demons…..mine are part of my family. Unfortunately, we cant pick and choose them. I would pick demons over my family however, any day. At least I know what they are, in what closets they hide themselves, and what to expect from them. Cant say the same about my family…..they are about as fucked up as they come. In my family, its split in my directions, and the “normal” is complete chaos and dysfunction. My family has more secrets then any major government conspiracy I think. Its corrupt, full of lies, and abusers, thieves, and rapists…..that’s just a brief summary. Like I said…to bad that we cant pick our family…..I would have clearly elected to simply NOT have one at all!

    Whatever inner demons you carry with you, its your business. You should never be forced or guilt-ed into claiming, clarifying, or dealing with them from anyone. Or judged by them for that matter!!!! As highly trained as the professionals “may” be, with their glorified awards, and polished placards, doesn’t prove a DAMN thing to me! Sure it looks good on paper, or in a pretty frame, but what it doesn’t say or tell you is…… Do they have the personal experience? Anyone person can be trained or schooled. Not that I’m belittling or putting down those that go after their dreams or ambitions……..just that, it doesn’t  necessarily say anything more to me than….” you were eligible to be taught or trained, and spent XXXXXX amount of $$$$$ and countless hours of learning.”
    What about the realities of “REAL” life??? FIRST HAND???? NOT textbook??? I don’t want anyone that’s NEVER experienced, or shared in the same pains, dramas, or problems, to sit comfortably across from me, and try to tell me ALLLLLLLLLLLL about myself!!!!!! No thank you…..get the Hell outta my face! Who the HELL do you think you are??? You know nothing about me or my life…and have never walked in any of my shoes!!! I just really think that  person that is qualified, should be one that is an advocate and survivor themselves, NOT someone that read about the “HOW TO’S”
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    I struggled with GOD and Religion for most of my youth, and into adulthood, and rightfully so. You say…” Aw, you poor thing, you were lost and confused, what  a tormented soul.” I say….lost and confused…..my soul was my own. Of course, these are my views and beliefs, nobody has the right to judge or criticize me,or anyone else on that note. I feel that I must also add that I grew up in church, also went to a Holiness Private school for sometime, was baptized Holiness, and was in Choir as well. Really, it was just slightly short of Quaker. At least it felt like that. Let me briefly explain. It taught fire & brimstone, hell on earth, and condemnation, long uncut hair, no jewelry (including wedding rings), no make-up, no tv, no premarital sex, obey GOD & husband, no gay rights or beliefs, long sleeves, long skirts or dresses, and no pants….that just the start of it. Really, it was a bunch of crap, with brain washing and a side order of cult!! Now hear me out. If you choose to go on your own as an adult, then thats completely up to you…but at least dont FORCE it on your innocent kids! Later in life, you will find that EVERYTHING you were taught was LIES…and that that the person you thought that was teaching you knew everything…..this is completely wrong. You paid to be part of the congregation and committee and followed and abided by “their” rules and regulations! You will find that over time the book has been rewritten and modified to suite the needs of the masses for that time period. Science has proof that undiscovered books that were left out of the Bilbe exists…..stories were written to draw you in and use scare tactics to control you,so you would follow their rules…and nobody elses. I could go on for ever!!
    Everyone claimed to be a CHRISTIAN, yet, was up in the mix of everyone elses business. They kept their own dark secrets and had “THEIR” own agendas….almost ALWAYS being the first to judge! They taught out of king James. Funny thing….there are so many versions of the BIBLE, and Religions, yet, EVERYONE claims “theirs” is the right one! The Bible has been proven to be nothing more than a man made book, comprised of short stories that have been modified over time to ensure law & order, by controlling the masses, ensuring some forms of regulation and equality. We all need faith…humans need something to believe in, I guess. A  member had a pastor that was sleeping with her and using her. Abuse, corruption, immoral lies and deceit….and yet, the followers held onto their faith. Interesting.
    (COUGH SURUP PLEASE)
    I do have faith….I dont  however,have faith that GOD exists, nor does not…..I do however have faith and  spiritual belief that we are NOT alone in the vast galaxy….and that something more intelligent and powerful out there exists then us…..I can not believe that its GOD…its NEVER been proven. I hold onto my spirituality…and Inner Peace, it IS, and ALWAYS has been what has gotten me through….GOD has remained silent and  invisible.” -GP
    If there was a GOD…where was he/she when I needed him/her? All those times I was alone, and scared. He/she sat by and watched me get used, abused, and tormented and left me alone to feigned for myself. What about this “SO CALLED ALMIGHTY GOD”  for innocents? Church teaches us he is a merciful, loving GOD, that eases our pain, and suffering, by keeping us safe in his/her loving arms…never giving us more the we can handle….BULLSHIT!!!!!! Im calling it for WHAT it IS!!!!!  Im the person to tell you, GOD has abandoned his/her post…and went fishing!! I am in pain and dealing with various diseases on top of my fucked up life of varying abuse!!!! The stories we know are changing …and continue to do so. Most books were written hundreds of years after the claimed accounts, or certain ones even left out all together! WOW….these people had great memories…and how could they have been there to witness it themselves….I call shenanigans! I think that if this “GOD” didnt want the job then it shouldnt have been taken in the first place! The church has been guilty and still is of NOT accepting you unless you follow in line with them and become “LIKE” them. They are the biggest hypocrites. Not everyone wants to be like everyone else.
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    (One brief short account)
    “He” had been getting more and more aggressive with me. Pushing himself more and more……I knew it was a matter of time before he raped me. I had at this point already been violated and raped by other people …I didnt want it to EVER happen again. NOT by him or ANYONE else. It was because of my safety…my life and being proactive that I left home. My sanity was at risk for being taken…I had lost so much already at this point…..and I had given so much. I was 12 or 13.
    Tonight was so cold. I could see my breath out. The frost was in my nose and it made it sting a bit. My fingers wer red and burning from being so icy cold. The wind blew on my face….numbing it,  and made it unbearable out. I had no coat…..thank goodness I wore warmer clothes today! The ground crunched under my feet with every step. The farther I got away from that house…the better and safer I felt! It was eerie and quiet out tonight. No doubt from the new frost and freezing ….people were at home, safely sleeping all warm and toasty in their beds. It was late October…maybe even November. I had ridden the bus all around town, and tried to get as much sleep as I could, knowing tonight was gonna be a long night. I needed to stay awake to make sure I was as safe as possible. I would sleep tonight at the bus station. It was lit fairly well. Tomorrow I would curl up like a cat as close to the back door of “his” sons grandparents apartment to be safe and out of the frosty air. It started to rain. Man, I hated getting wet. I hurried along. Jesus, it was so bitter and cold. I was hungry, but the cold made me forget I hadnt eaten in a couple days…..I couldnt remember. They never knew I slept there from time to time…even to this day, I dont think they know. I used a sitting bench and some pots, with the rug that was at the door to take the breeze off me, and help keep out some cold. It worked little, but offered some form of comfort to me. I closed my eyes, and let my senses be filled with the sounds around me, and the cold on my skin. I started to cry. I sobbed and it was such  lonely feeling, to feel lost, alone, and unloved. To know, that I wasnt missed. I laid there that night…. hungry, cold, my nose running….and asked this “GOD” why? I asked him if he despised me like my mother and everyone else…if he didnt want me like everyone else. I asked if I had done something to upset him…if I deserved this….and why? How could he leave me….to starve and be alone. That was the last time…I talked to “GOD” until my first grandson was born. Since then….its been hit or miss…and I have turned to a different belief and following.
    No matter the amount of demons you have or the things you have done …GOD should NEVER leave your side! Innocent women and children that need love and protection should be shown mercy. I believe in being proactive. Taking your life into your own hands. Believe in you and your strength will come to you…you will find it!  You have it in you! I refuse to hold onto the “hopes” that something, or someone will come rescue me, because, I rescued myself! The church turns a blind eye to abuse….at least they did when I was growing up. Never admitting to it…and denying any wrong doing. They judged you, yet, taught NOT to do it to others. they preach “HONESTY,LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, UNITY, but all are the first to ridicule and cast stones. I dont know about you, its wrong and goes against my beliefs. How can we in the very same breath, teach one thing to our children yet, ideally stand by and commit those those very same  acts against others and prosecute them so harshly? We ideally stand by and allow the church to break us down,mock, judge, ridicule, and scare us into those beliefs…and that we need them!  We teach to love yourself and accept your self for being an individual, but the church condemns you for this.
    Its a matter of views and beliefs yes, and personal choices or rights. However, how can anyone person point fingers if they themselves  are doing this very thing????? Brain washing you to thinking that you or I are anything less then perfect just the way we are? Something to think about I’d say. Illogical and immoral in my book. To think that its all ones fault is error. Its not. Dont allow the beliefs and morals of any one group or individual, to sway or influence you into thinking that there is anything wrong with you. You dont need to follow others to save your soul. Search within yourself, you may find that you already posses the answers you seek. If not…..Im sure they will come!
    (COUGH SURUP)….makes me sick
    Peace,Love and Harmony to you…as you search for your own inner happiness and seek to find your strength. Dont give in to others ideas about what should be….but invite your own ideas and live by your own standards and code! I wish for you love on your journey…and strength and peace in knowing your not alone out there. Always know, you ARE someone special, and I love you! ❤
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Are you comfortable with your nest???

As I sit here…..my 40th birthday rapidly approaching….I wonder to myself, am I so comfortable with my nest? My nest, my humble abode, my home, my pad, house, flat, dwelling, my shack, crib, residence, casa, my castle, my criznieee…..I look around at my pretty things, memorable items that I or my husband have collected over time…..pictures of our families adventures or good times that we’ve shared……but then I just sit and listen…..and smell. Letting my surroundings grip hold of me and fill my senses. I drifted off and day dreamed of when I was young and had ambitions and hopes of being some where else in this part of my life. I cried. Not because of regrets…because I have no regrets, and am happy for the most part that I am who I am, but because I didnt do more in my life. I wanted to be somebody….really “BE” somebody, to make a difference!  I wouldnt be me, if not for the past that I had. Yes, it was bad, traumatic, and horrible even, but in the end…it made me into me and now I can help others. My cousin once wrote, “you cant be a survivor without being a victim.” Great quote….its true…I AM  survivor…..and looking back…..I wouldnt have it any other way! I have had to learn to forgive myself, love myself….and start healing. Most of all….I have had to learn to “LIVE” my life…and start by doing it for me and nobody else. “Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.

random pics March 2014 091   I took this picture while out a lovely Sunday…..the breeze was warm for a Spring day. Bees were out trying to awaken their lazy Winter slumber. There was people out, as if awakened from their zombie like slumber with coffee and mocha’s in hand. Children were  hard at play running and screaming, frolicking about, while their parents frantically chased after them…wishing they decided to stay home, others simply  smiled relishing in the occasion.  There was dogs on leashes, and strollers…..couples hand in hand in loving admiration. The air smelled of fresh cut grass and moist dampened earth. The sky was a array of tropical blue colors that scattered across the sky filling it with a sense of crisp clean freshness and adventure. It was a good day….a good day to be out and enjoy the outdoors. Across from where I was walking I had noticed there was a solemness and unique sense of quiet. I approached this building…uneasy and unsure of what was around the corner. I had felt a overwhelming sadness wash over me. I came to a door and I slowly stood and stared. I found myself looking blankly at a group of people that had gathered for what seemed to be some sort of service. The look on their faces seemed to define their feelings and they didnt try to hide it. Were they celebrating…or mourning?  The wheels turned in my mind. Oh how fast life can quickly be taken……often, and to frequently much to quickly for us to fully enjoy the loved ones we loose. I bowed my head and looked directly at some of them as if to say with my eyes that I express my condolences…and am sorry for their loss and pain. Words at these horrific points in life offer little to no sympathy or encouragement…. and often not enough can be said to comfort the suffering ones. I walked off…..a little embarrassed, and miffed at myself for stopping in the first place…..no matter how brief. As I walked away, I began to think about life….and the harsh realities that none of us are to prepared. If life were predictable it would cease to be life, and be without flavor.

random pics March 2014 090

1nest

noun \ˈnest\

: the place where a bird lays its eggs and takes care of its young : a place where an animal or insect lives and usually lays eggs or takes care of its young

: a home where people live

Full Definition of NEST

a :  a bed or receptacle prepared by an animal and especially a bird for its eggs and young b :  a place or specially modified structure serving as an abode of animals and especially of their immature stages <an ants’ nest> c :  a receptacle resembling a bird’s nest
a :  a place of rest, retreat, or lodging :  home <grown children who have left the nest> b :  denhangout
:  the occupants or frequenters of a nest
a :  a group of similar things <a nest of giant mountains — Helen MacInnes> b :  hotbed 2 <a nest of rebellion>
:  a group of objects made to fit close together or one within another
:  an emplaced group of weapons

Examples of NEST

  1. The bird built a nest out of small twigs.
  2. If you look closely, you can see a nest in that tree.
  3. They lived in a cozy little nest in the suburbs.
random pics March 2014 087
Are you comfortable with the way things are? Have you given your life much thought? Are you satisfied with where you are? DO you want more out of life? Have you told those that you love …just how much you love them? Did you get closure from  old wounds? Have you taken time to heal? Or forgiven those that needed it?
All questions that we go through life asking…..Are we ever fully prepared to loose someone? I found that  I asked these questions over and over to myself. There is much to life…..we take for granted. Its to short. Never promised. At any given moment can be taken way.
Every man dies. Not every man really lives.

William Wallace -Movie BraveHeart

life

noun \ˈlīf\

: the ability to grow, change, etc., that separates plants and animals from things like water or rocks : the period of time when a person is alive : the experience of being alive
plural lives 
Full Definition of LIFE
a :  the quality that distinguishes a vital and functional being from a dead body b :  a principle or force that is considered to underlie the distinctive quality of animate beings c :  an organismic state characterized by capacity for metabolism, growth, reaction to stimuli, and reproduction
a :  the sequence of physical and mental experiences that make up the existence of an individual b :  one or more aspects of the process of living <sex life of the frog>
:  biography 1
:  spiritual existence transcending physical death
a :  the period from birth to death b :  a specific phase of earthly existence <adult life> c :  the period from an event until death <a judge appointed for life> d :  a sentence of imprisonment for the remainder of a convict’s life
:  a way or manner of living
:  a vital or living being; specifically :  person <many liveswere lost in the disaster>
:  an animating and shaping force or principle
:  spiritanimation <saw no life in her dancing>
:  the form or pattern of something existing in reality <painted from life>
:  the period of duration, usefulness, or popularity of something <the expected life of the batteries>
:  the period of existence (as of a subatomic particle) — compare half-life
:  a property (as resilience or elasticity) of an inanimate substance or object resembling the animate quality of a living being
:  living beings (as of a particular kind or environment) <forestlife>
a :  human activities b :  animate activity and movement <stirrings of life> c :  the activities of a given sphere, area, or time <the political life of the country>
:  one providing interest and vigor <life of the party>
:  an opportunity for continued viability <gave the patient a new life>
:  something resembling animate life <a grant saved the project’s life>

Examples of LIFE

  1. He believes that God gives life to all creatures.
  2. She was happy and healthy for most of her life.
  3. The people in her family tend to have long lives.
  4. I’ve known her all my life.
  5. He is nearing the end of his life.
  6. People can expect to change jobs several times in their life.
  7. They’ve been waiting their whole life for an opportunity like this.
  8. What do you really want out of life?
  9. All this paperwork has made life much more difficult.
  10. The details of everyday life can be fascinating.

 Can you safely say that if taken away…or asked…..are you ready for whats next….are you happy with the life you lived?

Peace & Love to you on your journey in search for Love, Balance, & Harmony…..may you soul be filled with the simple pleasures in life…and never…ever taken for granted! ❤

Life…..

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Life.....

I was out taking my pictures to bring to my blogs and I happened to capture this. I was completely taken back by it. I stood there frozen. My feet like concrete. I realized he had the answers that most of us seek. If life’s a garden….I wanna walk in it……take time to enjoy the things around you…….forget the past it was yesterday…tomorrow hasn’t come, don’t let it worry you…live in today , in the moment. Breathe deeply……and know that with each passing moment you become stronger, and wiser. We cannot control others…but we have control over our selves and our feelings and thoughts……live according to YOUR plan…NOT someone elses…….learn to forgive yourself….making mistakes….only means your human!
Hope to see you all soon……Peace, Love, Harmony, and Balance to you….may your soul find what it is that you are in search for on your journey in life!


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Blossoms

                                    Blossoms are pretty…..they are all different….but share in the same  branch…..Image      

much like we are in this world that we all share….learning to coexist with one another…..living united                                                                Image

 

 

I wanted to take a moment and say hello, and thank you! Its bee a slow daunting task to get up and running. Getting a group no matter the size following was important for me. We ALL need a good support group…from ALL walks of life! If everyone supported each other it would be great! If you are following then you know a little about me. If not…let me tell you briefly in short. I am a survivor of abuse in all ts forms. I write blogs about it, and poetry. I am also a photographer. I am many things. However, you will find that I like to share and educate through encouragement and support myself. Im an advocate for those in need of support. Im at your beckon call. Im still healing on my journey as its gonna take me a lifetime to get it all out. I have been asked to write a book about my life story and I feel compelled to do so when the opportunity shows. However, you will find that I am simple…..my page is simple and I do that to keep you focused on the necessities! Image 

I do however, wish to tell you that my stories are sometimes grim and very truthful. I m very direct and feel nothing should be held back. in this journey, I want anyone who will listen to know that they are not alone in this world. We can help those in need…..and support one another. Together we can heal. thank you for your time…thank you for reading and watching…thank you for supporting me and others by sharing and caring! Words simply arent enough! I hope to see you more often…and more of you….Its my hopees that you will help me spread the words of love and encouragement…enlightenment…and I will bring to you my stories of love, life, passion, photography, and poetry…..it was and is so nice to meet you…feel free to come check out my “About Me” you might find you like more then meets the eye, and meet me! ;0) 

 

 

 

Rough Seas for me Please…….

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Rough Seas for me Please.......

It amazing how we go through life…..some more lost the others. Its ok. There is a calm coming….you may find that you dont know where your going, or even where you’ll end up. In the end, know that every journey is worth taking and it is worth it in the end. The sky will clear and you will have calmed waters…your soul will find Peace and Balance. Every wave you have ever ridden and sickness you have fought will be worth it in the end. You will come out stronger and have survived that which you thought to be lost in the first place. You will have survived yourself!