I can remember a time when I told my mother I was sick. Most times she would reply…”your going to school anyways” I hated that. I went through life doing things against Dr orders and pretending that I was ok. Bottom line was I was NOT. In fact of the course of many years, from pretending and putting a band-aid on things…after years of not dealing with things…some how all at one they start to show their tiny faces. I ended up with a weak immune system and many different aliments. I had surgery after some sort of weird run in with my body while on a trip. To all of this I blame my mother. She always said I was making a bigger deal out of things. She was NOT the coddling or caring type. Nor did I feel like I got very much affection or sympathy. It makes for a very isolating journey through life….you feel alone and unwanted. I even had to take care of myself when ill or clean my own vomit growing up. To top things off….when your ill or suffer from different things…you dont want to talk about it or share because then if you do you feel as though to others its not a big deal. My point being….that it is!! It is a very big deal. Nobody knows how you feel. Nobody is in your head or body. In my opinion if you line up 10 people and give them all the same scenario they will all handle it differently and it will affect them in different ways. How can someone judge if they have never been in your exact shoes. Sure they may have had similar things occur in their life so they can understand a little more…but for those out there that have no body to talk to and listen…to share with…to explain how they feel…the pain, worry, stress, fear, rejection…depression from being ill all the time…I understand. Its a hard thing to imagine but being sick all the time and having your run in with depression and pain is not a healthy life. I understand the stories I hear of people committing suicide to make it go away. A person can only take so much before they crack. The solution for me is to simply ignore what others say and the judgement that follows …I used to try so hard to make others understand. I was asking to much. They just cant. I was spending and am spending to much time worrying about things I cant fix instead of focusing on fixing myself and making myself better. I am off work now for almost 1 month and a week now. Not that I dont appreciate my job, or even like it…but the way I have been feeling off and on matters not to me but to get better. Most days its all I can do to muster up energy to get out of bed…I have not been myself since the isolated incident at the Ocean back in April. It has changed me somehow. Everything about me is different. I have now been cleared to stay home until June 2. In that time Im hoping that Dr will find an answer for me and help me. Not only for myself but so that my husband understands. It has been a rough road for him as well to watch over 17 yrs of illness,surgeries, and hospitalizations. Being told this…or that…this test..or that… We just want answers so that I can go on with my life with whatever it is…and try to maintain a normal one at that. Many tests have been done and more on the way. The bottom line here is that….you know yourself better then anyone else….if your not feeling right….screw what others think. They are not part of you and cant feel or know whats going on.Its sad but true that people look at you and assume that because you look normal on the outside that your ok and fine. Most cases thats true. Do for yourself…heal yourself…focus on yourself ..no matter what the issue is at hand….remember that everyone’s different, not the same…and hopefully that will help you in your journey to getting better. I wish you luck…and I will keep writing…this blogs not the same as others…Im focusing on sickness of any kind today….and asking that no matter your past….a future will not be unless you take your life seriously and focus on you and what you got to do to make your self well no matter the illness.
Until next time….take care for now…and heal.
First Steps 