First Steps

Exploring the world through caring thoughts, the freedoms of guilt free emotions, and looking at the world through the eyes of someone elses perspective seeking to enhance and set free your soul by opening your heart and mind

Mothers Day Sadness

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Sissy can do it for you….go ask sissy! Why dont you talk to her….my mother would always tell my little brother. Ooooooo how I despised him. He was a brat and truly got his way. Never beaten ;like I was. Never hurt or abused. I Hated that kid.  He could jump on the furniture and call filthy names to her and his father and they wouldnt do a damn thing. Now me…..on the other hand…as I have said before….if I chewed gum and popped it the wrong way I was forced to sit in a corner in the living room in front of company if they were there  and pop my gum for hours until my step father would let me out. My mother for some reason never would get involved. Sad really. My mother as I got older put alot of pressure on me to baby mt little brother …almost like a mother hen after her chicks. I resented her for that. 

I laid in bed last night sobbing that the day was over. I had a rough one. Puzzled that even with my tormentors gone (mother and stepfather) that I still on Mothers Days wished she was here and not dead. This was the first Mothers Day with out her…she passed In Oct. I never felt more alone in my life. Yeah, I have my own kids, family…but I suppose as  an abused child some things you just cant take away. They were bred into me and like a old movie play back in my mind. Instead, against Dr orders, I threw myself into mass yard work and planting  (normally every Mothers Day) and tried to pass the day to keep my mind busy. Alll my kids text me or called to say it, one even came to spend a  few hours which was nice. But,…….as the day and night came to an end………..the rain started to pattered out side…….my heart began to ache so much and drift off to thinking of my mother, and my brother. 

Since he was a problem-ed kid he was in and out of the judicial system….me on the other hand not! I suppose I would have thought all the abuse I endured would have made me that way but, it didnt. In fact, I think due to no punishment or guidance …him running a muck, is what caused him to end up a “lifer” (when someone is in jail or prison more then they are out) I lay there in bed….my husband drifting off to sleep and I just sobbed and sobbed. confused as to why the hell I even felt that way. How could I have feelings for these horrible people that did horrible things to me? Was that natural?  Am I sick person myself? It occurred to me that I missed them because dysfunction was ALL I knew. Like it or not…we cant choose our families….(though I wished many times for it) 

With my kids all grown and not home and having families of their own….thats why I started to write and take pictures…to do poetry. I was a way to heal from the abuse and a way to keep my mind busy from the loneliness. I never thought I would feel so pathetic and afraid. I have talked with my husband, but he doesn’t understand, although, bless his heart he listens to me rant and rave…and cry and blubber and hold me until Im done. I feel empty. alone. scared, and my brother the day my mother dies wen out into the community and broke the law to try to get the cops to shoot him.. He desperately clung to my mother. She coddled him so much that it handicapped him even more then when he got hit by a car when he was 14yrs old. They said it was brain damage. But he looked and acted normal. Appeared to be fine. He had anger problems and headaches but that was it. Since my mother passed in Oct. He has been locked up. Mothers Day this year fell on his birthday as well. 

Over and over in my head like a broken record I could hear my mother telling me…help hiim Gwen…help him. Go to him. Be ther for him. He needs you. Fix this. 

You have to understand. He’s a thief  liar, I know he loves me and my kids…but we cant trust him.He has stolen and lied so many times…gotten angry (unpredictable) and thrown fits. Not only to us but ALL the time to my mother. Even when she became ill he treated her horrible cutting out pictures of porn magazines and posting them on her windows and doors telling that she was a whore or pussy. This very same boy/man…my brother was the one that my mother adored and treated like a prince..and I…like an adopted red-headed step child. No pun intended…just a metaphor.So many mixed feeling came along running through me and coursing through my veins last night. Bringing up bad feeling and memories…some I have tried for my whole life….39 years to push down and not deal with.

I came from an upbringing that you did what you were told, no questions or grief about it. and you did it right the first time. No talking back, no sassing, so spitting, cursing no elbows at the table. I went to church when I stayed at my one grandparents house…and was taught many things there and abused as well. I was taught to respect your elders and help them. To treat your neighbor with love and dignity. 

I guess why Im writing is to say…I miss her. I miss my brother. I dont know how or why…and what tidbits I shared you might not understand…eventually last night my husband curled me into his arms cuddling me and holding me close whispering in my ears its ok and telling me that he loves me….I cried until I could cry no more. My eyes this morning are poofy proof that you can give yourself a eye makeover by crying…. 

seriously though….I thought about my brother and the double whammy that had to face yesterday…his birthday and no mother for Mothers Day and how hard that had to be for him. Wishing that I could have been there for him to hold and to tell him that I am there for him. Missing him and his dumbass ways. Telling him that his sissy loves him and that I am here for him one way or another. Made me  hate my mother more for leaving…leaving this little family fucked up and torn…messing us both up and each other ..with no where to turn and nobody to talk to that would understand.

My curser is staring at me blinking….but Im not sure today I could write anymore…its gloomy outside and the rain has set in for a few days now. On that note, I will finish my coffee and start my day….hoping that time will heal this would..and that some where out there wherever my brother is…he knows that yes, he is messed up but at least one person loves him….I will always be his big sissy.

 

Even on Mothers Day…even on a DAY THATS SUPPOSED TO BE CELEBRATED…i WISH WE COULNDT …JUST FOR MY OWN PERSONAL REASONS…NOW YOU HAVE SEEN ALITTLE MORE INTO MY LIFE…IF YOUR STILL READING AND COME BACK FOR MORE…THEN iM ALL TO HAPPY, i DIDNT SCARE YOU AWAY WITH MY LIFE. tHESE ARE JUST WORDS…THEY ARE MY STORY…..like I said when I introduced myself…..”come with me, take my hand, see my life through my eyes.”

Until next time. Chow.Image

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