As I sit here in my robe drinking my cup of JOE I have become ill and fighting some things myself. Im on the mend now, and recovery is slow but steady. I hope to be my old screwed up self soon enough!!!! :0)
I suppose I never did stop to think that in my recovery just how many people it might touch on the way. For this Im talking about my background not me being sick. Receiving a thank you or a small note to let me know that what Im doing has helped others, to see the pain, or torment that others might feel that was gone unnoticed, is such a reward that I never expected. I wish i could take away all the pain and sorrow, to help heal with words and courageous thoughts….to maybe be strong for others when they so desperately need to be lifted up so they can shout…”its my time to heal”!. Hense my pictures, poems, and blogs…. Being a battered victim on so many levels has left me for words…but I can say this. Its taught me alot about myself. For instance…I would have never thought …Im a survivor, a fighter, Im full of emotions, Im caring, empathetic, understanding, supportive, and I am so creative…. and so much more! I realized that when a close friend told me these qualities about myself. I NEVER stopped to look in the mirror and tell myself it was ok to be good at something! I also realized that I have PTSD and OCD, and occasional night terrors big time.Though, they tend to come and go…less often and the longer down my road I journey. When I couldn’t control the environment I was in, I could later…as I gradually got older I seen it more and more. This is a normal. I believe that when someone doesnt possess a quality or trait that you have…when you have something they dont ..they become jealous and malicious and cut you down…. to feel and to be less then they are. For what ever reason they feel this way, its their problem, but as you know the abuser attacks someone they can break down and make them weak and then eventually singling them out to be solely reliant on them. They move in and take you away from anyone or thing that means anything to you. By isolating you they maintain control with no outside influence to conflict with them and the abuse. other wise, it messes with their plans to completely knock you down…and they dont want anything in their way. Having unwanted triats such as OCD or Bi-Polar…PTSD…depression, night terrors, are more or less side effects of what you had been experiencing and to some people who aren’t aware of these traits look often at you like your a control freak…loud, untactful….assertive….when in fact its these traits we posses from being a victim. Of course these are a few to say the least. There are many more, and I’m not a Dr…(even though I take my own health into my own hands). Im sure that there are people that in the shadows read this blog at their discretion and see that they are not alone. Your not!!! As I’ve said, we ARE in this together! I know you suffer and have pain, your tired, scared and even think that others view you differently. Maybe your nervous, anxious, of even low-self esteem. Its ok. Those things are natural..its ok to recognize these things and then try to look at each one and work on it one at a time. You may think that I am talking out my ass, even giving useless advice or sharing when I know nothing of what your going through…..YOUR WRONG!!! I do because I have been there….more then once…for years in different abusive situations and more countless times then I care to remember! That doesnt make me a professional, or a know it all…it makes me a friend! Some one that you can feel like you can trust, rely on…or connect with. Someone that you dont have to talk…I will do it all for you. I will share my stories, my life, my pictures and poems…all you have to do is read. If you choose to give feed back then I welcome it. If you have questions about certain things….”no question is a stupid question”! I encourage anyone thats a victim or is a victim, knows a victim or thinks they are one ….read. It may give you insight. Research if anything else, but know that your not alone in this. We will keep each other strong and can help others on that road to recovery. My mother was a woman that beat me when it suited her. If she had a bad day, she took it out on me. I believe that she drank then and hid it as well. I just didnt figure it out until I became a young adult…and only now am I starting my road…my path is long.That was one person of many…many horrible things. I am aware it will take all my life to adjust and heal. I to became an addict for some time. I was addicted to Cocaine and alcohol. It numbed me. I didnt have to face any of those dark demons…they vanished…..only…to me…they reappeared in my dreams..or when I ran out of money. Having an addicting personality is also a coping strategy…its how we cope with others and end up seeing ourselves. I have now been over 17yrs clean…and to boot I have a china hutch filled with selected wines and spirits that I keep as reminder I could be like her one day….(my mother) so, in lieu of that…I have a glass only now and then or at a social gathering once or twice in summer. One thing I know for sure. Bruises heal….mental, emotional and verbal scares are the ones we need to work on. They take forever. Thats ok, because at this point…when you take the first steps you have all the time you need. Im a supportive person that will do just about anything for someone. I believe this is how I can help. I have more stories…more pain, but like I said…got to get to know me more before I share it all….a girl doesnt kiss and tell on the first date does she? lol If for some reason that you feel like you cant stand on your own two feet…grab a stick….its gonna be a long journey…but along the way….I will be your guided friend….to hold your hand and tell you ….”You got this babe!”
I wish someone would have done that for me……Im only stronger for finally figuring it out now….and the only difference between you and I is that Im a little farther in the road…but Im still here!!