First Steps

Exploring the world through caring thoughts, the freedoms of guilt free emotions, and looking at the world through the eyes of someone elses perspective seeking to enhance and set free your soul by opening your heart and mind

Toxins

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I remember being woke up sometimes out of my sleep. I could hear my parents having sex in the next room. It wasn’t unusual for them to be doing it with the door open. In fact, I can recall that they insisted that our ( the kids) doors be left open. Why I’m not sure. Some nights when they were annoying and waaay to loud I can remember crawling out of my bed and seeing the light on. I would get up to shut my door. One specific night  I looked into where the noise and light was. It took my breath away. I was stunned and stopped with shock to see my step-father starring back at me smiling while performing oral sex on my mother. It was then that I knew that I must leave. Terror shrieked through my body and my blood began to boil. My veins coursed with poison towards this man. He was evil and I had to get away. Many times he would wait for my mother to leave the house and would approach me…touching and begging me to have me and my sacred body. The thought to this day makes me shudder and turns my stomach inside out. I can still smell his rank moist breath breathing on me.  I always did what I was told and I’m glad to this day that no matter how much he begged and pleaded I stood firm and NEVER let him have my body. I was fearful for my life. I remember thinking how dirty and mortified I felt when he merely just looked my way. It wasn’t uncommon for him to walk around the house in his robe with nothing on underneath and sit with no grace and his legs open for all of us to see. Sometimes, while we were all gathered in the living room he and my mother would sit on the couch together and he would grab my mothers hand and put it under the robe. Or, he would openly grab her boob. Modesty never seemed to be an issue. At least not for them. They cared not about what us kids seen or heard. Nor did they ever think about asking. To this day I’m not sure why.  

I am open with my kids…not to that degree. I mean open in the sense that I am honest with them and we talk about everything. I started to tell them from an early age what too expect from me as a young parent and what to expect from the world as most parents do. I always taught them to think ahead and recognize good from bad. To think of consequences if the choices they made was wrong. Sex and relationships as they got older. Even my son and daughters have shared some intimate things and asked advice. The rest they had to learn on their own. I wanted to expose them to the things that I had not been and to keep the things I had been as far away as possible. 

No man, woman, or child should ever have to be exposed to the horrors that twisted people do. Nor, should anyone have to face a choice on whether to listen to their elders and obey, or to run. I share the story of my life a piece at a time. Its unbearable sometimes but I hope that it will help. These toxic  people feed off innocent prey. Like a darkness that overcomes the light. They over shadow it and consume it and take it for them selves. The very life force that keeps them going is fueled by these innocent people or things and unless they are stamped out they will continue to rage. I speak of people being toxic alot. I do this because I believe that most of us in some way are plagued by Toxins. Maybe not to that degree. Mine at that point for a few years in my life was at its highest point. The alternative that I had was to leave. Nothing good would come out of me being there but pain and misery. I no longer wished to be part of the dysfunction and fuel this uncontrollable urge to hurt and mistreat me. I was a victim and had no clue at that time what that even was. I just knew that I must go to save myself. I wanted my soul to stay as pure as possible and he was using me for his own pleasure. 

I believe that we all have a good soul. There are some that are black as coal and evil. I speak of the good ones. Dont let Toxins get to your soul. Protect your innocence ..tell someone. Someone that you can trust. Someone that can help you. Save yourself.

As an adult I do have my sad, dark days. Where my thoughts and memories often drift back to the unforgiving abuse I was subjected to. I sometimes feel engulfed with pain and sorrow. I sit and wonder how that could have happened to me and how did I survive….I have no answer. If the abuse wasn’t from my mother starting at an early age (3ish) and then my step father, a family friend, an uncle, my best friend at school, a group of guys , my kids father, my aunts friend, a neighbor…..then it was from my own intentional self infliction. After all those instances in my life I started to abuse myself. I became my own Toxin. I treated my body vile and cruely. With no respect or manner. I let people surround me in my life that i thought cared. They only used me and abused the fact that I was weak and not strong. Today I look back and think that maybe I wasn’t weak, it was them. I had been strong all along and made it through. Here I am…Toxin free, a family of my own…grandchildren, a husband , some great friends….and I made it!

I’m not a millionaire , not a rich person, but I’m Toxin free!! Carma has a MAJOR role in coming back to others I believe ten fold. Most times, we don’t know it when it rears its ugly head but it will get them I promise. Abused people tend to feel isolated and alone. Scared and timid. Ashamed and useless. I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to be. You were not in the wrong…EVER. I was made to do those things…to partake in things that most people don’t ever know about. I was a child, innocent and alone. I had no clue to which I was being violated. Those Toxins do though. They know. In the end they are the ones that will get whats coming to them. I wish that someone would have listened. I wish that someone cared enough to help me instead of thinking that I was a liar and making up stories. If they had, would my life have been different? Would I have been successful? A chef, a photographer, model, writer, or poet?

I never could figure out why all my life my mother put me and my body down with negative comments…your legs are to big, or to fat….your boobs are to big and too fat….I once was approached by a modelling scout. I recall the day. I was 13 and coming into my own. I brought home the information and my mother tore it apart. Made it into a negative thing and said I would never make it. I went on my own…I met in person with that director and photographer….they told me at 13 to loose 20 pounds and come back…then I would be perfect.

To this day I struggle with my looks, my body, my confidence. To be accepted for how I am. Its a crushing blow to feel as though your not accepted no matter what you do. At this point in my life, I still dream of being a model….and love to have my picture taken, but inside I wonder what others say or think about me. It was those Toxins that were done that took place that blackened my thought process and how I view myself.Those Toxins plagued me me whole life. I made myself a deal. This year 2013 I would keep all those Toxins away. Not associate with them, not  acknowledge them. Those things  drag you down and can manipulate the way you see yourself and may even prevent you from getting help and freeing yourself to retain the innocence you need to be who you need to be. I really am not sure what to say more on the subject…what can you say? Maybe that’s why I love water so much…it washes away the filthy nasty Toxins and leaves behind a clean crisp freshness that’s new and vibrant. If it takes you getting out, when or if nobody listens…I am here. I know that there are others like you and I… others to listen and lend a hand, shoulder, or ear. Others that care, and know your story. Sometimes we all just need a tall glass of clean water to wash down to get rid of the dirt…and we can start over. 

 

Grab a glass!!!

 

 

2 thoughts on “Toxins

  1. Pingback: WAS I BORN TO BE ABUSED? No! And You Weren’t Either! « vineoflife.net

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