First Steps

Exploring the world through caring thoughts, the freedoms of guilt free emotions, and looking at the world through the eyes of someone elses perspective seeking to enhance and set free your soul by opening your heart and mind


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Whats yours? I’m referring to Vitamins yes, well, maybe. I guess I’m using it more as an example…or whatever the word is. Metaphorically speaking…bla bla bla…Sure, I take Vitamins, and up until recently I didn’t  I’m glad I started though. Boy, have I noticed a HUGE difference  I feel happy, energetic, I’m sleeping better, and above all….weight seems to be adjusting in places that I thought would never happen. Of course my stomach (we wont go there ) is my main issue . However, I decided the first of the year to have a new approach and outlook on life. One of my cousins a little while ago said to me “Gwen, I live by a new motto….” YOLO. I looked at her like she was stupid. First off, let me ask you to say it…Y-O-L-O….Of course I giggled to myself and looked at her and it hit me. She had been in a slump herself and overweight, life seemed to drag her down and you could tell she wasn’t happy. When I had reconnected with her  something had changed. She was noticeably thinner, happier, and it was contagious. I wanted some, and I wanted it badly!!! 

Like a ton of bricks it hit me in my face and I got slapped so hard with reality that it stung my pride for weeks…now it’s just a dull achy feeling…lmao. I realized she was on to something. So, I sat patiently waiting for the answer. Finally, it did! You see through our conversation sharing some laughs, and cries it became evidently clear to me that I was going through life ….just blowing through it in the breeze like a dandelion bloom that got picked up and the wind took over,It throws me in any which way and the direction is unknown to me. So, here I am trying to grasp what she’s telling me and  of course dissecting the very words that shes sharing with me. To be honest, I had no clue. I didn’t understand what the hell she meant. It infuriated me. She is older by a couple years so I thought ….mmm…maybe it was age. Then I thought, maybe it was education. Nope. None of the above. It wasn’t that she was smarter then me or held higher then myself. Sure I respected her and her life journey. That just wasn’t it.

Life journey. Sounds weird. That was it. I think for some it is absolutely clear to them the path that may or may not be laid out in front of them. Most however, it is NOT. We have to figure it out and some struggle waaaaay more then others. Then, of course there are those that no nothing of struggle or loss, nothing of stresses and unfamiliar territories. I guess I may even despise those that have never been told “no” or had to learn to figure it out on their own. It bothers me that I have had the life I did. However, I guess its not their fault. Her life was different then mine. I was trying to compare hers to mine. Now how in the world and why in the world would I do that? Sometimes the truth is harsh. Reality is that I was jealous at first of her happiness and sucessfulness. I wanted to be there. I had to make it. I hated failure and I’m stubborn and once I put my mind to something I will not give up and try a gazillions ways to obtain it if I have to! 

When my mother passed unexpectantly In  October of 2012 the wall I had hit during the summer of that same year with my cousin got thicker and broader in every angle. I was left holding the bag, and everything in my life that has ever been a terrifying experience hit me like I was a crash course dummy. I was mortified I had no closure. So many things left unsaid, unfinished and unhealed.  I was in shock and unprepared for those feelings. You see I worked my whole life to not feel. Feelings make you feel vulnerable. Vulnerability make you weak. When your weak your pathetic. So here I am. It took me 3 months of feelings of worthlessness  sorrow, emptiness, and vulnerability to get out of that dark looming fog. One day…after taking all these meds over the course of my life due to illnesses caused or brought on by her or medical issues, that the light bulb came on. It has stayed on since then for me….and I’m pretty sure that if my head or body had a bill collector it would big astronomical. 

BOOOOOOOM! Like waves pounding the surf, everything came rushing to me. Theories I had, opened new doors of questions. The questions I had asked my cousin had all come back and I was waken by reality. In  my opinion you see, life is what you make of it. I had a horrible childhood filled with evil and darkness. I was somehow a light that people were drawn to and they took advantage of. My light got dimmer and dimmer over time and eventually as I got older sometimes was very hard to stay lite. It became evidently clear to me that , this is my life. I had found the vitamins I needed to sustain my health along time ago but didn’t give myself credit for it. Life is what you make of it. You may have to make some radical changes or even step way out on limbs to try something new. Bottom line is that your not stuck. Adding things that are a positive step in the right direction and removing the toxins in your life are all you need to be successful. Now by definition I don’t mean successful in finical cases.  I’m referring to being successful in school, at your job, military, or at home. Even relationships  Take one. Work on that first. I tell my grown children to not look at the overall picture and scheme of things but to look at and focus on one thing at a time. By doing it this way and approaching life this way, all your goals, and aspirations will fall into place. Maybe not over night, some may take longer then others. Eventually they WILL work them selves out. 

We all need an outlet to let ourselves be free from all this hard work. Its not easy. So reward yourself often and learn to give yourself the tools to be able to give compliments and praise. For me, now the direction my life has headed was down a nasty road to self destruction. I revisited suicidal thoughts briefly when my mother passed. I was on tons of meds and have been for many years. Most of us don’t want to deal with the demons that plague our minds, thoughts, or hearts. But, there is a way. I was numbing. Instead of taking my own advice and focusing on one thing at a time like I told my children, I looked at my life as a whole. Not good. It made me give up before I started. It overwhelmed me and consumed my thoughts and feelings. It was frankly to much to bear. Or, so I thought. Ever since I was young I was adventurous. When I woke from this dream state I realized I still was having an adventure. It was called LIFE. Although it wasn’t the one I intended to have nevertheless, I was in it. Looking back at all the places I went with my children or husband or friends. The trips into the country or wild in the mountains…those…those were my adventures. I guess I didn’t see them clearly, and it was time for me to appreciate it and those things that I did have as resources. It may have not been a vacation. My husband and I have been together for over 17 years and NEVER taken one. We were a large family, having 4 kids all a year apart, being real  young parents that scraped by, but we made it. We made it work!! 

Be appreciative for what you have. It a normal desire that drives us to be better, have more, and yurn for successfulness. The outlets that I took advantage of I have started to revisit. Photography, writing…(hello!  ;0) ) cooking, gardening, exercising…..investing into myself and letting me reward myself. I’m a good investment. I deserve happiness and to feel free from all those nasty burdens that have droned on and on in my life.  Don”t let people coral  your way of thinking and doing into one way. Its your life, take the Vitamins that you need to feel better, to do better, to be better. You have the tools, you just have to find them. I promise that its not going to be easy and I would be a liar if i did. As with anything though , if you try hard enough the rewards at the end will be great. Remove those toxins and free yourself. Allow yourself to start loving yourself and focus inward on you. Its contagious. Once people recognize whats going on they will be divided into two categories…one supportive and encouraging..possibly even join you and make changes to their own lives. Or, the toxins that you need to make a choice to get rid of. Whatever, vitamins you grab off your shelf, what ever path that you choose…life is an adventure. Maybe not in all its splendor at one time…with rainbows shooting out your ass, and it being perfect (Perfect is a word that people use when they are in denial about their own life) but whats perfect for you. I’m not saying to give up, no. I’m saying, dig in, let loose , live a little, love a lot, be good to yourself, make those changes, focus on you. Your future and your adventure will become the best yet, and the best part is….its NEVER to late to start! Believe in yourself, believe that ANYTHING is possible. There may be some set backs…again, nobody’s perfect…see above…lol. The best part is when you look back at your life and see where you were and where you are now, you will if you start today, see a change, feel a change. Dont be caught up in negativity  stay positive. If you dwell in the negativity and tell your self that you cant then you wont. Get rid of that thought let it go…your sabotaging yourself before you start. Your essentually giving up… don’t be a quitter… Adventure comes with a price. So do Vitamins… what cost are you gonna let them slip away? Start today…make the call….be strong, one thing at a time…you can do it….

What is your Vitamin?

YOLO………you only live once



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