I found myself asking ….”what exactly is a blog?” “What is appropriate content?” Of course, the more that I thought about it the more I contemplated it. I know some people feel that they need to write because of selfish reasons. Im also aware that while Im not the keenest person on technology, I am intelligent enough to write. I loved to write since I was young and take lots of pictures. I can remember many days or nights that I was being punished for ignorant reasons such as blowing a bubble with my gum. So, the very same man that molested me for years, that also married my mother, would look for any reason to get rid of me in my room. He isolated me this way. He would leave me in my room for hours and hours. This was a form of control. I’ll tell you though, he would treat me like garbage, even tease mock or punish me….until…..my mother left. Then he acted sweet, lovable, and treated me so well….I was at a very young age with no father to protect me in my life so I thought this was how things were supposed to go. I thought this was how I was supposed to get love. By pleasing him, and obeying him, I was in return getting the attention I was so starved for. This went on for few years, until I started to blossom and figured things out on my own. So, I figured…..ehh, what the heck, I’ll write my feelings on paper or poems to drone out the deafening of silence. I would write and write, using various forms of poetry and getting lost in thought. It was a coping mechanism sure but it worked at the time. I was alone so it suited me best. You see, back when I was growing up, what people call blogging now I called journal. Maybe you could have even called it a diary. I know that a diary was supposed to be private, and I’m sure at one point my mother had read it. In fact, I know that she did. At one point I can recall I came home from school and she had broken the lock and had it in her hand with a lighter in the other…..and yes, she burnt it and all my poems in it right in front of me. I am aware that blogging and journals are almost similar. Diaries are much more private and intimate. Blogging I suppose can be . With the content that I intend to share to bring you with me on this journey into my past, some could argue that it should be kept a secret. Some it will offend. I know that others will turn up their noses and cast judgement on me for not following in line with what they consider to be typical or boring blogs. No one under any circumstances should ever guilty or ashamed of being a victim of abuse in any case. I my blogs you’ll notice that I have been victim in many case for years and by on or more individual. I can’t explain nor should I have to on how I feel this urge deep within me to share this. Maybe my voice will be heard. Maybe it wont. I am aware of my surroundings now. I didnt have anyone to hear me, to go to, to share with
Im not asking for sympathy, or any sort of attention. Although, again it may draw some and drop some jaws. Im ok with it…I really am. I feel as though, its truly time for me to be able to be able to let go and be free from all these demons that plague my mind and spirit. I ask that when you read this, think of you, not me. What would you do or how would you feel when in these situations? Having to experience the feelings of confusion, neglect or loneliness? Maybe even desperation? What would you have done differently? And of course the obvious…..for me, if you think you know me, you dont. You cant say well, why did you allow this? How come you didnt tell? Unless you have personally been in these situations you can not tell someone what is the wrong or right thing to do. I have to tell you that I shared the beginning of my blog with my husband, just the brief paragraph of the “about me” segment. He was nervous, excited, even cautious. I never asked for his opinion just wanted to share with him the courage that it took me to even consider doing this. While he is supportive of me and my choices, I could see the wincing in his eyes and the concern. With all the different kind of people that we have in this world, lets face it…… we are just to damn judgmental. We look at someone and before even knowing a thing about them we think we have them figured out. Im hoping that the longer readers or a reader….(I hoping for more then 1..LOL) are tuned into my life story and the more they will be able to relate. Not go judging me by a few blogs. I have a rule. My husband and I are weird…lmao…but it works! When you go out and try a new restaurant, if we dont like the food we simply give it some time and will try going back one or more times. The reason for this is simple really. If they are under staffed or the cook is new, possibly just having a bad day ( which everyone does) then we give it another go. If at that time we still dont like it, we simply dont go back! Easy as pie! Im basically asking the same. Dont judge me, until you get to know me. Why should I have to keep silent when those people that have caused the hurt and the pain get to go on with their lives, while Im an adult and trying to still process it all? You wouldnt tell that to a child that got mistreated would you? If an innocent child that trusted you to protect him to begin with came to you and needed to feel loved and safe…..would you look him or her in their eyes and turn your back? Dear GOD, I hope not!!! You would sit and hold them, encourage them, make them feel safe, and listen. You would rock them, tell them its alright, sooth them and try to get help if needed. I never had that. This is my way of getting the soothing feeling I suppose I need. Some would argue that I need to talk to someone. I need therapy they would say. To be honest with you, therapy is not for everyone and I have made it this far with out it….this is my therapy. What works for some might not work for others. While Im saying this I am in no way trying to discredit anyones job or tell you that you dont need it. For me, its my choice and i choose to work on it this way. This is my outlet, and I’m sticking with what i know works. You have to find that for yourself. Years o, my mother-in-law gave me a great book called ” Put Your Heart On Paper”. I recommend it for anyone. A with anything, you get what you take out of it. I personally thought it was good, but again, that’s me.
Knowing that now, it wont change all of your thought process…….
As I sit here, on the bed in my guest room (more like a second room in case I’m pissed at my husband) I am looking out the window at the blue sky and almost positive that there will be some of you that no matter what I may say will continue to judge any how. Thats fine, we are all entitled to making choices for ourselves. I will do my best to continue to share, for those that it might help. Its not my goal to cause any chaos or “call out” anyone. In fact, Im not going to use any names. However, if for one second it could reach or touch the heart of one person……JUST ONE……then thats all that matters to me. I dont know about you but it could be your daughter or son, your sister or brother, a loved one , or a friend, even one of your parents…..if this blog and my page can touch someone to make them feel like they are ok…that they are NOT alone…and they CAN talk about it with out being judge or reprimanded then thats the best thing that I can do.
To blog or not to Blog….the question I think really remains in all of us. Whether your a poet, a photographer, a lover, a fighter, or a survior….pen in hand, or hand to keyboard….blogging is what you make of it. What it does for you, what you get out of it. It comes in all forms, and no matter if you have readers or not, do it for YOU!